smackaholic (to Det. Badgemonkey): So, what have we got?
Det. Badgemonkey: Well, it appears your friend died in his sleep.
smackaholic: With all due respect, Detective, you and I both know that is bullshit.
Det. Badgemonkey: Excuse me?
smackaholic: This is obviously a murder, Detective. All the evidence points to it.
Det. Badgemonkey: Evidence? What evidence? There’s no sign of forced entry, no sign of a struggle, no marks on the body indicating violence, no witnesses saying they saw anything suspicious, no forensic or physical evidence of any kind to indicate that your friend succumbed to anything other than natural causes. What evidence have we overlooked here, Mr. Holic?
smackaholic: See, this is why the American public has lost confidence in our law enforcement community. You put so much weight and importance on traditional forms of <air quote> evidence while completely overlooking what everybody else sees! Open your eyes, flatfoot!
Det. Badgemonkey: Uh, ok. Help me out here and point out the evidence you’re seeing that I’m not.
smackaholic: Seriously!? Do I really have to spell it out for you? It’s as plain as the “L” on my forehead! Let me break it down for you:
Exhibit 1: Timmy was my friend and I don’t want him to be dead. I want him to still be alive.
Exhibit B: Since he is in a state of lifelessness that I don’t want him in, SOMEBODY is guilty and must pay!
Exhibit iii. There are SOOOOO many ways that a murder can be committed! Timmy could have been shot, stabbed, strangled, bludgeoned, poisoned, or perhaps most insidiously, forced to read my T1B and Facebook posts. And those are just a few of the ways the homicide could have been carried out. You don’t mean to stand here with a straight face and tell me that with all these possibilities, you actually believe he died of natural causes? C’mon, Detective…you’re better than that! Anyone with half a brain KNOWS this a murder case! And I’m not one to brag, but I DO have almost half a brain, so I ought to know!
<smackaholic’s cell phone alerts him that he’s just received a Tweet. He checks his phone.>
Oh, and if ALL that evidence isn’t enough…
Exhibit 17: President Trump just tweeted that he knows for a fact Mr. Toetag was murdered! HA! Case fucking closed!
Det. Badgemonkey: Hmmm…you make a less than compelling argument here. Let me first address the last method of killing someone you cited. I’ve investigated many homicides in which the victim was killed that way, and in just about every instance, the telltale sign was that the head exploded. In the few cases where the head was still intact, it was determined that the victims died of boredom or a profound lack of will to continue living in a world in which the level of stupidity to which they’d been forcibly subjected existed. Neither of these appear to be the case here. As far as the other possible means of eradication you mentioned, we’ve been able to rule them out, since there are no gunshot wounds, stab wounds, ligature marks, signs of blunt-force trauma, nor any indications of poisoning.
Let me now turn to the, um, “exhibits” you brought up. You see, Mr. Holic, those are NOT examples of what we in the investigative and law enforcement world consider “evidence.” They are more commonly referred to as “piles of shit.” Something you can’t have or don’t want, and possible causes of other people’s deaths, do not constitute evidence in the case at hand.
I’m curious about how the President was able to determine this is a murder case without having seen the body or having any knowledge regarding what was found here. And since you seem so sure, Mr. Holic, that your friend was murdered, might you have any ideas about possible suspects?
smackaholic: It doesn’t really matter how the President knows it was a murder. All that matters is that he does know and that he said it. We ALL know that if Trump said it, it HAS to be true. He doesn’t lie! To even question what he says is un-American, unpatriotic, and anyone who does is a Communist! EVERYBODY knows that!
Det. Badgemonkey:
Forensic police dog at the scene:
smackaholic: As far as suspects, I don’t actually know who might have killed him. But I DO know he probably had, shall we say, high levels of melanin and was a Democrat. You KNOW how those people are! EVERYBODY knows!
Det. Badgemonkey: I see. Well, Mr. Holic, you’ve wasted enough of my time that I, unfortunately, can never get back. And I’m also beginning to exhibit symptoms of EHS - Explosive Head Syndrome - so before they progress any further, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave. Sgt. Juicedup - please escort Mr. Holic off the premises.
smackaholic: No…wait! I don’t wanna leave! I have so much more to tell you. I…I…
