Call IT, bitches

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 8:43 pm

Either Ben Crane or Peter Jacobsen will be sporting the Jacket.

Unless by some absolute fluke, one of them isn't. If that should happen, I just have a hard time betting on anybody not named Tiger.

Although Jose Maria BlowACumBubble has been playing awfully well as of late, and his game seems to lend itself quite well to Augusta.

Top 5 --

Tiger
Jose
Furyk
Garcia
Els (after another massive Sunday meltdown)

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 8:57 pm

Not having Lefty in your top 5 is insane.

1. Lefty
2. Els
3. Langer
4. Choi
5. Tiger

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:04 pm

And having Tiger in the hunt, but not at #1 is insane, too.

I con't think of it right now, but when was the last time that somebody who cleaned up at the Bell South did well at Augusta. It's almost like winning the Par 3 Tournament as far as jinxes go.

Lefty is just such a complete jackass, I try to root against him whenever possible.

fix · Post by **fix** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 1:53 am

Dinsdale wrote:And having Tiger in the hunt, but not at #1 is insane, too.

I con't think of it right now, but when was the last time that somebody who cleaned up at the Bell South did well at Augusta. It's almost like winning the Par 3 Tournament as far as jinxes go.

Lefty is just such a complete jackass, I try to root against him whenever possible.

RACK!

But as good as he played at the Bell South it's difficult to not believe that he'll carry it over into the Masters.
Especially since he's already won his first Green Jacket.

I'd also have to wonder if Tiger's head will really be in it this weekend or if his dad's pending death will play a role in how well he performs.

1. As much as I hate to do it... Mickelson
2. Vijay
3. Woods
4. Weir
5. Retief Goosen

TenTallBen · Post by **TenTallBen** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 4:43 am

Hefty.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:40 am

Dinsdale wrote:And having Tiger in the hunt, but not at #1 is insane, too.

I con't think of it right now, but when was the last time that somebody who cleaned up at the Bell South did well at Augusta. It's almost like winning the Par 3 Tournament as far as jinxes go.

Sandy Lyle is the name you're thinking of.

Lefty is just such a complete jackass, I try to root against him whenever possible.

What the hell has Lefty done wrong? Except win at a higher rate than anyone not named Tiger? This is golf, not NASCAR. I try not to turn it into too much of a soap opera.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Tue Apr 04, 2006 5:32 pm

BSmack wrote:What the hell has Lefty done wrong?

Not that I'm into the soap opera angle or anything, but I do follow the sport. And many of the young players have stepped up and outted Phil's secret -- he's the biggest jackass on the planet. Won't even speak to the other golfers unless the cameras are rolling, and is a complete poison to the locker room. One of the youg'uns(wish I could remember which one...name is escaping me) claimed that when he made the Big Show, he walked up and introduced himself, and Phil refused to make eye contact with him. Sure, rumor and innuendo are never the gospel, but there's been just too many incidents reported for there not to be something to them.

One of his detractors even said something about a split personality -- the Phil from in front of the cameras, and every day Phil...two very different animals.

And lets not forget that the guy is so arrogant, that he doesn't think it's his job to fix his spike marks in the greens, even if he's in the first group of the day.

Hell, Cal Freaking Ripkin could take lessons in how to not expose your true self from this guy.

L45B · Post by **L45B** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:50 am

Other than the big guns:

Chris DiMarco
Olin Browne
K.J. Choi
Angel Cabrera

WolverineSteve · Post by **WolverineSteve** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 3:28 am

How can anyone not feel that Tiger will rise to the moment ala Favre upon his fathers death. True dad's not gone yet but the reaper is in the room. This is the making of a great story.

If not Tiger...

Olazabel always plays well at Augusta.
Toms
Furyk
Vijay

They say the length of the course is downright cruel. The rough is up and the greens are lightening. If it doesn't rain the winning score won't be too low. Should be wide open come the weekend.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:25 pm

I think we can be certain that David Duval will NOT win.

sin

+13 after 14 holes.

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:56 pm

I think it's safe to say that Clay Ogden's dream of a Masters championship has also been derailed......

MuchoBulls · Post by **MuchoBulls** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 2:40 am

Mickelson

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 2:02 pm

You're supposed to WAIT til the tournament is over before you call the winner........

dins out front should have told ya.....

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:14 pm

I was going to wait until after the tourney to remind everybody of that rule.

But since you brought it up, that's how we do things here. You don't have to make your official pick until Monday morning, afternoon/evening if it suits you better.

Because we're ALL winners here in the Golf Forum.

indyfrisco · Post by **indyfrisco** » Fri Apr 07, 2006 5:52 pm

Singh or Campbell

Qbert · Post by **Qbert** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:20 am

Dinsdale wrote:I was going to wait until after the tourney to remind everybody of that rule.

But since you brought it up, that's how we do things here. You don't have to make your official pick until Monday morning, afternoon/evening if it suits you better.

Because we're ALL winners here in the Golf Forum.

Niiice!

no...really...!

Freddy might have a good weekend?

wtf was up with Duval shooting 32 on the back nine?

fuckin'vertigo.

btw...Campbell would be a nice pick...hope his Texas ball flight won't hinder him.

~Sin,

Trevino

mothster · Post by **mothster** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:41 pm

as long as that pompous ass singh doesn't place i'm fine.......

go daley

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:36 pm

Nice to see you in the Winners Forum, Moth.

But, I'm not understanding your post.

While Vijay may have some shortcomings in his personality that will probably keep him from being the guy whose posters adorn the walls of the future golf stars of the coming decades, I've never really thought of him as "pompous."

Matter of fact, I've always found the guy to be pretty subdued and humble, which is a good thing to be when you're usually #2. Just about any professional athlete isn't going to tear themself a new one when you put a microphone in their face, I've never really know Veej to engage in any degree of self-promotion.

While I wouldn't agree, I think a person could make a better case for Tiger being a "pompous ass" than Vijay. Of course, I've always found Tiger to have all the grace, charm, and class you hope a person in his position would have. And Vijay is kind of his Tom Watson...kinda. OK, that wasn't a very good analogy...forgive me.

But if you want to talk pompous asses -- look no further than Lefty. That guy is unbelievably arrogant for someone who has basically served as another man's bitch for most of his career. But put a microphone in front of that guy, and he makes it pretty clear that he's the start of his own world. I like that guy less and less every time he opens his mouth. Just like last year (? year before?) when Phil was in the first group of the day, and started out sucking. He was such a pouty little bitch, that he started grinding his (hard, maximum length allowed) spikes into the green without fixing the marks, which is a big no-no on a cheap muni, much less in a PGA tournament. Vijay didn't point any fingers at anybody when he was then forced to put through somebody else's irresponsibility, but informed the officials that somebody in the first group(Vijay was in the second) was spiking the greens. The tourney officials then got out a ruler, and measured Phil's spikes (they were legal). They also warned him to repair the damaged greens. And Phil had an absolute meltdown about it. Of course dude is the Cal Ripkin/ARod of golf, and spends at least as much time grooming his public image as he does working on his game, so he waited until the round was over. And the next day, Phil of course denied every bit of it. Vijay also denied that there was any confrontation, but that's what people with class do in Vijay's situation. But according to say....every other player in the tounament, there was A LOT of words exchanged in the locker room...go figure, since allegedly Phil refuses to speak to most of the other golfers in the locker room. But no...Phil won't apologize, or even give a BS "Yeah, I'm sorry about the marks in the greens. It was a mistake on my part, I was distracted and forgot" in which case, nobody probably would have thought twice about it. But, not Phil. Somehow, he managed to blame the media for the problem. Odd, because I watched part of that tournament, and I don't remember seeing so much as one reporter or cameraman dancing on the greens wearing hard spikes. That was pretty sweet, though, since those two got paired up the next day. Afterwards, Phil of course denied everything, and mentioned what a great time he had golfing with his friend Vijay all day, even though he never actually spoke to him. I could smell the bullshit coming out of his mouth from across the country.

I swear Phil must have a full-time spin doctor writing his interviews. And his acting ability is so bad, it never comes across as sincere.

But, if Vijay rubs you the wrong way, I fully understand. In all his years on the tour, and all those victories, I don't think I've ever seen Veej get any more excited than cracking a smile. One of these days, I wanna see that guy make a 60 foot bird for a win, and just go ballistic...just once. Fist a-pimpin', jumping up and down, chucking his ball to the farthest away fan he can see....like I do if I manage to take some $0.10 skins off my buddies...but that's just not Vijay.

Once Vijay changed his cheating ways from the Asian Tour days (oh...I guess there was that), I don't think he's done anything to take away from the image of the PGA. Although all these years later, me and my golfing buds still refer to taking ...liberties with your ball marker on the green "vijaying it." Then again, me and mine don't do it to cheat, usually vijaying is only done to avoid putting through a crater, and it rarely puts the ball closer to the hole...but it's still "vijaying it"...AKA "Just put it down wherever you want." If you never heard that one, when Veej was a young'un, some of the international players claimed Vijay had some slight-of-hand ball marker trick that always got him a couple of inches closer. But, he was a young amn at the time, and has (presumably) changed his ways.

mothster · Post by **mothster** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:32 pm

rack the retort but i didn't deserve it......

i unrack singh for being a sexist ahole regarding sorenson as unfit for the tour for the most part

rack this forum ----out

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:03 pm

mothster wrote:i unrack singh for being a sexist ahole regarding sorenson

Ah.

There's that too, I guess. I personally thing that that was made out to be more than it was. His point was that Annika(who has one of the best short games ever, regardless of gender) has had a VERY successful, lucrative pro golf career, and dominates a tour exclusively for women. The point he was trying to make (which he didn't do particularly well, granted), was that there's guy out there struggling to make their way on the Tour, and are desperate to keep their card. Whereas Annika could tear up her LPGA card tomorrow, and be eleigible for just about every LPGA event for the next thousand years, due to her exemptions. If I remember right, he even prefaced his statements with something like "This isn't going to be a popular thing to say, BUT..."

Vijay was pretty much saying that the PGA was selling out their young up-and-comers to engage in a PR stunt. He was taking up for his coworkers. It didn't come out quite how he wanted it, I'm sure, but I think his intentions were good. And if you'll remember, that event (was that the Colonial? One of those, right about the time of year of the Texas swing) was held on a par 70 course. If Annika is going to represent the ladies and shock the world, it's not going to be on a long par 70 course. Just not going to happen. The men's courses are often set up to slow down the long hitters, often to the point where the short hitters can get left in the dust on certain courses. And by mens standards, Annika would be considered a "short hitter." Hell, if I'm not too busy sucking, I can hit it just as far or farther than her, with much worse equipment. ALTHOUGH, her shots seem to find the short grass just a little bit more often than mine. Just a little. Don't get me wrong -- last time I checked, people still pay her to play, and people still check my ticket at Tee #1 to make sure I paid them, so don't mistake that as trying to draw some sort of comparison. (Sidenote -- One of my golfing buddies has a membership at Pumpkin Ridge, which has hosted the Ladie's Open in the last few years (and a couplefew Ameteur Championships...Tiger won two Ams there, he's a big Pumpkin fan, which counts as a ringing endorsement in myt book). But anyhow, my bud who has MAD GAME has a better scoring average at Pumpkin than Annika does, so there's that. In fairness, I'm sure they toughen the course up for the Open. But then again, my bud threw down the low score at the club championship when they had the "hard course" day. Who knows? Did I mention I have a golf bud who has some really serious MAD GAME. Don't get to play with him as often as I'd like, but when I do, if I'm not playing well, it goes from bad to worse, since I'll end up sitting there in slack-jawed amazement at some of the shots he hits. It's like getting paired up with a HOF pro sometimes. I think he's actually working on getting a little more finacially comfortable so he can hit the pro circuit without having to worry about his family's comfort. And as far as the Nationwide or that sort of thing -- he'll absolutely shred most of those fools, most of the time. He's the real deal, unless we can manage to get enough beers down him, then hilarity ensues and the trash talk begins. If he wasn't a good friend, I'd hate the guy, due to jealousy. Wow, my sidebar has grown long.)

I'd love to see a woman make waves in a tourney, but that wasn't the time for it. I'd also someday like to see an exemption to the US Open for either the previous year's LPGA money-leader, or Ladie's Open Champ, or something along those lines. Why not?

But when she's on, Annika would hang with most of them men on a short course.

mothster · Post by **mothster** » Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:08 pm

well i guess ther's always michelle wie........

props again on the retort

fix · Post by **fix** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 3:39 am

Toddowen wrote:Tiger wins this one. Everyone else falls apart. You could start to see it at the end of play today. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see him in front at the end of the 3rd round tomorrow.

I'll have the dvr going in the morning to be able to view what I missed while asleep. And by the time I wake up, Tiger will be in the lead.

Well I'm not sure what rerun you were watching but it sure as hell wasn't todays.

Tiger wasn't doing anything special out there today and if you want to make a case for someone that really did step it up, look no further than Tim Clark who's at 5 under and when play resumes in the am, has a 3ft putt for birdie to put him at 6 under.

Tiger's not going to win it this year.
End of story.

fix · Post by **fix** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 3:58 pm

Toddowen wrote:
JaysFan wrote:
Toddowen wrote:Tiger wins this one. Everyone else falls apart. You could start to see it at the end of play today. I wouldn't be surprised in the least to see him in front at the end of the 3rd round tomorrow.

I'll have the dvr going in the morning to be able to view what I missed while asleep. And by the time I wake up, Tiger will be in the lead.
Well I'm not sure what rerun you were watching but it sure as hell wasn't todays.

Tiger wasn't doing anything special out there today and if you want to make a case for someone that really did step it up, look no further than Tim Clark who's at 5 under and when play resumes in the am, has a 3ft putt for birdie to put him at 6 under.

Tiger's not going to win it this year.
End of story.

Tiger, who in his career has owned The Masters, is a mere three shots behind the soon to be forgotten leader.....and it's not even the end of the third round yet.

You still want to stand by that statement?

Current Leader: Phil Mickelson

Granted, Clark did struggle over the last couple of holes this morning but that leaderboard is filled with a number of players who can easily win it.
Tiger's among them but he's not going to do it.

What could you be watching is more like it. Are you also ready to make an equally foolish World Series prediction now that we are a week into the season?

You mean kind of like how you were predicting Tiger would win it even before the 3rd round had been finished?

Here's your spoiler Todd, Tiger's not in the lead.
Mickelson is.
Couples is ahead of Tiger
Campbell is ahead of Tiger
Stephen Ames, Vijay, Rocco Mediate and Tim Clark are all tied with Tiger and any one of them are capable of winning it too.

And sure, I'll go ahead and make a World Series prediction now.
The Yankees won't win it.

fix · Post by **fix** » Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:58 pm

Toddowen wrote:Well, that's it for Tiger in '06

I'm not one to say I told you so but, I told you so.

It was a good pick yesterday to call him for putting on another green jacket.

An even smarter pick would have been to pick somone whose game was as good as it has ever been. You know, like the guy who won and won last week as well. Tiger just was not going to win it.

All he needed was to sink some of those putts and not three putt on 17. He came much closer than the leader board will indicate. It's such a fine line between sinking a putt and circling the cup at Augusta.

So what you're saying is he choked then.
Ok, that arguement I can buy into.

Because otherwise you're also describing Couples, Clark and a couple others who just couldn't buy a putt today.

And BTW....only a nearsighted tard would write off the Yankees after only a week into the season. That's the kind of remark I've been looking for and expected from some early season bell ringer like Chowd103, Neely, or Jack. But you showed them up. Props on that.

You must not have read the reports about how badly the Yankees pitching staff sucks.
Murderers row might win you some games but pitching and defence win World Series.
Too bad they don't have much of either.

TenTallBen · Post by **TenTallBen** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 3:14 am

Rack me and all the others that picked Hefty. You know dude was going to bring it hard after the blowout win last week.

RadioFan · Post by **RadioFan** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 6:38 am

One of the biggest downsides of having to work Sundays is the last round of the Masters.

But then again, one of the biggest upsides is having a TV available and muted, so I can see what's going on and not having to be subjegated to Jim Nance's dick-sucking of Hootie or piano-playing or cliche-ridden idiocy. I'm not exactly sure what his specialty is these days, but he's pretty solid in the latter, no matter what.

I was able to watch Friday and Saturday, however. Saturday was particularly interesting. I especially liked that hourlong slow blow of Woods, before the "official" coverage was about to begin.

Did you cum hard, Todd?

I kept changing the channels from some really bad movie to the Weather Channel, to ESPN, to everything else, and every time I went to CBS to see if they would make an actual announcement about a weather delay -- which I knew was obvious, having seen TWC -- there's some highlight of Woods or Gravytraining Woods Sr., talking about some "special" moment. Gee, in hindsight, that hourlong tribute seems really meaningful, huh?

Bwah

I guess 60 minutes didn't get their full run of the "We'll Suck Tiger's Dick for Ratings" segment, and the top-lip-enhanced sports professionals at CBS were told to make up for it, so to speak.

Then of course, they started the actual "coverage" with telling everyone there was a weather delay, then showing highlights of the earlier action on USA, followed by Nance, repeating over and over how there was "a four-hour weather delay, and Tiger's lurking. And let's go to three." Looks like Goosen has a great drive there, Dick ... back to you Jim. "Well, folks we've had a four-hour weather delay, but as you can see Tiger's right in it."

OK, before I throw up and short out my keyboard ... the best part of today was mid-afternoon CT, when about four strokes separated like 12 golfers, including Woods -- Who, btw, is absolutely sick. Dins described it brilliantly in a thread in the main forum about his ability to get out of a bad situation, with power to the point it would rip most of our arms out of our sockets, and STILL hit a good shot. He is amazing. I don't hate the playa. I hate Jim Nance and CBS' nonstop tributes and exposure, at the EXPENSE OF OTHER GOLFERS. Hello?

Tardowen, you probably have no concept of this, but I digress.

Anyway, as I was saying, for me, the best part of today was when there were a shitload of dudes, all in it. There was a moment in this tournament, when it was all up for grabs, by about a dozen guys. Are you fucking kidding me? I was thinking it might be a really, really bad day to be at work, because many of the players were just starting the 10th or so, give or take a few holes.

But then Hefty just went yard.

RACK him for that, and RACK JaysFan for smacking around the child-molesting, front-running faggot in the golf forum. Just one more reason to off yourself, Todd.

Bwaahaahhhh

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:12 pm

Toddowen wrote:It was a good pick yesterday to call him for putting on another green jacket. All he needed was to sink some of those putts and not three putt on 17. He came much closer than the leader board will indicate. It's such a fine line between sinking a putt and circling the cup at Augusta.

Yep, if Tiger just eliminates his 3 jacks (all 6 of them) he's won the "tunamint" going away. Now Lefty is halfway to a "Mickelslam".

Let the media hype begin.

MuchoBulls · Post by **MuchoBulls** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 12:19 pm

Felix wrote:You're supposed to WAIT til the tournament is over before you call the winner........

I didn't need to wait :wink:

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 1:42 pm

I didn't need to wait..

I did.....I'll say Lefty wins going away.......

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 5:41 pm

I gotta go with Tiger.

L45B · Post by **L45B** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:31 pm

RadioFan wrote:...having to be subjegated to Jim Nance's dick-sucking of Hootie or piano-playing or cliche-ridden idiocy.

Actually, I noticed CBS dummied-down the official Piano theme music this year. I remember a lot of people bitching about that last year.

Too bad they couldn't chuck out Dick Enberg's bullshit reflection-story-time-nonsense.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Mon Apr 10, 2006 8:14 pm

L45B wrote:the official Piano theme music

It's by Yanni -- all you need to know.

Was it last year...year before(?)...when they had the tourney in New York, they used Back In The New York Groove by Ace Frehely for the theme that week?

That was a step in the right direction.

Fairway Feherety is the man, though. If you've never read any of his columns, they're funny as all hell.

MuchoBulls · Post by **MuchoBulls** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 2:33 am

RadioFan wrote: not having to be subjegated to Jim Nance's dick-sucking of Hootie

How about his brown nosing for Tiger? He had a gem when he thought Olazabal could par in at -5 and win. Phil was already at -6 and he hadn't even hit the back 9, where that are 2 gimmie birdies for him at 13 and 15.

indyfrisco · Post by **indyfrisco** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 1:40 pm

Mucho's been taking UBB code lessons from Nolesy.

MuchoBulls · Post by **MuchoBulls** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 1:55 pm

I don't know why it show up at first. I didn't change anything and it showed up the second time.

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 2:15 pm

Too bad they couldn't chuck out Dick Enberg's bullshit reflection-story-time-nonsense.

What is it about CBS? Is it like the LaBrea tarpits for announcers.......do all the old announcers go to CBS to die.......

Enberg sucks almost as bad as Nance does.......

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:49 pm

Dinsdale wrote:
L45B wrote:the official Piano theme music

It's by Yanni -- all you need to know.

Was it last year...year before(?)...when they had the tourney in New York, they used Back In The New York Groove by Ace Frehely for the theme that week?

That was a step in the right direction.

Fairway Feherety is the man, though. If you've never read any of his columns, they're funny as all hell.

You're not kidding. I think they were ghosted by Moorese.

http://www.protourgolfers.com/announcer ... ughts.html

Tears Jerry. Tears.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 5:59 pm

"There's something hurtful in laughing at the misfortunes of others. But it's damn funny."

I could sit here and read his quips all day. Funny, funny dude. The show producers should let him get loose a little more.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:03 pm

David Feherty wrote:Going Mad
June 2000
I know I’ve said this somewhere before, but that “everything in moderation” deal says to me that you should be moderate in moderation. Otherwise, it would say, “almost everything in moderation.” In other words, everyone should be allowed to go berserk every now and then, especially on the golf course. It’s been ages since I’ve seen a really good temper tantrum. You know—the kind where one of your playing partners goes double postal after a string of rotten shots. I’m not talking about simple club abuse or course molestation, either. I mean a full-on, Rottweiler-on-angel-dust, foaming-at-the-mouth, running-full-tilt-into-an-oak-tree, profanity-riddled seizure. For a start, it’s great entertainment for everyone else. I have been guilty of such outbursts myself; granted, not for a while, but only because these days I just don’t care where the ball goes. At least these kinds of psychotechnics show that the offender has some interest, some passion. For me, the hardest part about witnessing such an event was always the struggle to keep a straight face. While the creator of such a self-inflicted mental misdemeanor is invariably left feeling stupid and humiliated, for some reason, those who stand by and watch are curiously cheered up by the whole grubby affair.

Illustration by Victor Juhasz
The spectacle of a fully grown man (I have never seen the female version of this phenomenon—at least, not on the golf course) setting about an inanimate object, such as a golf bag, invariably reduced me to tears of laughter in a “there but for the grace of God go I” sort of way. While most people wouldn’t condone such behavior, I think it’s safe to say that those of us who play can at least understand the reason for it.Golf has always had its fair share of hotheads. Tommy Bolt, for instance, whose clubs were on a frequent flier program, was always one that the crowds loved to watch; and, my pal Steve Pate, even though he has mellowed with age, is still liable to erupt every now and then, usually at the U.S. Open. Speaking of which, when John Daly whacked his moving ball back up the slope last year at Pinehurst, he was simply doing exactly what every other player in the field would like to have done at some stage that week.

I think my favorite mind-loser, though, would have to be Zimbabwean Simon Hobday, who has brightened up the Senior PGA Tour for the last few years. Always a crowd favorite, Hobbers was prone to taking off his clothes and swimming across snake-infested water hazards and doing his laundry in the bathtub, stirring anti-clockwise with his laminated wooden driver. Golf needs more people like him.Even as a young man, Simon looked like he was holding an electric eel by the tail when he was putting, but as a ball-striker he was without an equal at the opposite end of the scale. Add these two properties together, and you have a recipe for severe, upper-level mental disturbances on the golf course. Fortunately, Simon’s sense of humor is also legendary. Once, he turned up on the first tee wearing a giant sombrero. He horseshoed out from four feet on the first green, turned his face heavenward and screamed, “So you still recognized me, huh?” Another real beauty is Tony Johnstone, also a Zimbabwean. (There must be something in their water.) A regular on the European Tour, Tony was the original red-haired, flaming nut case when things went awry, and like most golfers who wear their brains on their sleeves, was completely sweet-natured off the course.On one occasion in the mid-’80s, he was drawn with the genial Englishman Carl Mason and me at the LancÙme Trophy in Paris, which is—some of you may not know—just outside France. On the fourth hole, he took severe exception to a small spruce tree, which he felt had deliberately diverted the course of his downswing, causing him to miss that which he had been aiming at—i.e., the ball.Carl and I looked on somewhat bemused, as Tony started with a tirade of abuse, directed at the tree, which he immediately accused of being French, among other things. Actually, it was Japanese, but at the time I felt it wise not to point this out. Selecting another club, our rabid partner quickly chipped out sideways and then set about reducing the unfortunate plant to matchwood, and he was well in front in the bout until suddenly the tree caught him with a recoiling branch right across the side of the head. He staggered back, holding his head in his hands. This was enough to send Carl and me running for the bushes to find a safe place from which to watch—and soil ourselves. Then, Tony took his sweater off, and we thought this signified the end of the contest, but no. With renewed fervor, he started flailing again, only stopping when he realized he lacked the strength to dig out the stump. Breathing heavily, he marched across the fairway, quickly slashed his ball onto the green, and walked past our hiding place, saying, “It’s all right, boys. You can come out now!” By this time, Carl had lost half his body fluid through his tear ducts, and I had pulled a muscle in my stomach.Personally, I think it’s kind of sad that this kind of behavior is dying out in the professional game. There is a kind of sterility to the atmosphere when everyone behaves perfectly, an unreal calm if you like, and I think that one of the unique aspects of the game of golf is that the best player in the world sometimes feels just as frustrated as the average hacker. I suspect that it’s a source of comfort to a lot of people to see evidence of this. As for my own greatest moment of madness, after a particularly ill-timed bogey in Belgium, I once sank my putter into the bottom pocket of my bag, breaking three shafts under the grip in the process.On the next tee, my caddie delved deep for a new ball, only to find I had also made solid contact with my Rolex, and a tube of Preparation H, which had spurted out all over every new ball I had left. On the upside, the watch—which had never kept time—was dead-on twice a day, and after about 10 minutes, I found the golf ball considerably less irritating and somewhat smaller, which of course meant I hit it farther. Instead of anger management counseling, I think judges would be well advised to sentence people to 18 holes a week instead, with a “Destroy One Tree, Plant 10” clause included. Hey, the venting is therapeutic and the gardening is relaxing. What do you think?

Awesome. So much subtle stuff in there, you'd have to read it 50 times to catch it all...like the reference to the tube of Preperation H in his bag.

Great, great writer. I doubt you even have to be a golf fan to appreciate his work.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:12 pm

Oh, and speaking of meltdowns, and to tie it in with our putting discussion --

I'm rarely subject to major meltdowns. Sure, I have a minor one with every shitty shot, but I can go years without a major one. Which means it's going to be a few years before I have another.

After one too many three-putts at Eastmoreland...I'm now the proud owner of a new putter.

In a million years, I would never have guessed I'd be buying a new putter due to meltage. Seems unlikely. Sure, my 3 iron met an unfortunate demise after it showed a little too much dedication to leaving ball marks in tree trunks...

But a putter?

Oh well. I was using a piece of dookie for...way too long now, ever since my Anser got ripped off. Forgot all about my newfound empty spot in the bag, until I got to the course (the one where I was at the time only takes cash). Bought the nicest Anser-knockoff that the remaining cash in my pocket could buy...all $15 of it.

And I'll be damned if I haven't already fallen in love with it. Who woulda thunk it? Biggest POS in the bag, and my impending Anser purchase has been postponed...at least until the trees of Eastmoreland continue their unbeaten streak vs. Dinsdale.