Coffee Shop Woman

[Tom In VA]

You. Yes you. You with the short "bob" haircut and the small black rim glasses. Fetch me a cup of coffee and spare me the attitude, you fucking anorexic wish-you-were-in-Manhattan-but-happen-to-be-slinging-coffee-in-Cleveland skin tight black pants wearing bitch. No, I'm not particularly impressed that you work in a fucking coffee shop, and thus it is not likely that I'm going to drop a buck in your tip jar unless you either blow me or smile. And we both know neither is going to happen. You might think it is intellectual to pour coffee for me, but it actually happens to be no more intellectual here than it is when the fat Russian broad with pimples over at Dunkin Donuts does it for me. Of course, she does it with a smile. Oh, and her tip jar goes "clank" when I get my joe. Capiche? Humping coffee in Starbucks ain't a career, love. Its a pathetic existence. Most of the regular frauds in here have nowhere else to go but here. They are all impressed with each other, but most of the rest of us see right through their bullshit. You'll figure it out soon enough. Or maybe you won't. Who knows? A dumbass twit like you might be management material. If you were smart, you'd apply for a job at Payless Shoes. A skinny fuck like you would be nails in the stockroom. Just sayin.

That's a venti

[M2]

Man...

it's time 88.

[the_ouskull]

You. Yes you. You with the short "bob" haircut..

In.

Sin,
Irie

[Dinsdale]

You might think it is intellectual to pour coffee for me

Since I live in the coffee shop capital of the country, I must disagree --

Getting a job as a "barista" (you primitive east-of-the Rockies sorts will become familiar with that term in a decade or two), rrequires that one got a four-year degree...from a college in the Midwest. Then, they have to make that highly-educated decision to move to the same place that their favorite bands did, despite the fact that their chosen locale has the worst unemployment rates in the country on a fairly regular basis. Maybe they do it because we have the highest minimum wage in the country, too...I dunno. It defies logic, at any rate.

That shit is high comedy round these parts. Local columnist has nothing to write about? Take a swipe at the degree-sporting baristas in their dark-rimmed glasses(you don't need any sort of vision problem to wear these -- just a deep-longing to try and look cool). Slow day on craigslist? A diatribe about transplanted coffee shop "baristas" will instantly endear you to the locals. Trying to sound "high-class?" Start name dropping your local minimum-wage-plus-tips-but-I'm-too-arrogant-about-my-minimum-wage-job-to-earn-tips name, and follow it with "yeah, she got a degree in liberal arts from **insert name if Midwestern university here**"

I'm sure "baristas" are funny(in a pathetic/sad sort of way) everywhere, but multiply it by 10 around here. When the newsrag regularly runs articles on the "coffee shop economy," you know there's some smack to be run.

Oh well, enough on that...I must get back to my Krupps "barista" that's sitting on the counter. It wasn't the slightest bit rude to me this morning, so I might even give it a tip...or maybe the whole thing...you never know. Only charged me about $0.20 for the whole damn pot, too. And it made this pot in the same amount of time that the barista at the coffee shop would have spent trying to make change.

Heck, if I put a pair of really dorky black glasses on it, and hid a tape recorder behind it with a loop of "I'm a barista -- fuck you," it'd be just like going to Stumptown(only the true dregs of the barista(or is that redundant?) world have to settle for Starbucky's.

[quacker backer]

I hate to do this...but

RACK Dins!!

I hate the whole coffee culture here in P-Town....

[Dinsdale]

I hate the whole coffee culture here in P-Town....

Not even....it's a constant source of humor.

Doesn't really affect me, since I partake in the christian-crank at home, and have little use for coffee shops.

[Ken]

You might think it is intellectual to pour coffee for me

Since I live in the coffee shop capital of the country, I must disagree --

Wow, completely blindsided by that one.

[Terry in Crapchester]

I wouldn't know, honestly. I had to give up these little perks to afford the increase in gas prices, since the wife refuses to move closer to my job and quitting isn't an option, either.

But I do read a little, so I know what a "barista" is, Dins. Just sayin'.

[Ucant#...???]

Getting a job as a "barista" (you primitive east-of-the Rockies sorts will become familiar with that term in a decade or two), rrequires that one got a four-year degree.

I first heard that term last century upon my maiden voyage to a Starbucks in NYC. Being a Dunkin Donuts lifer, I ordered some java or another, paid for my beverage, and stood there... waiting. The cashier rolled her eyes, dismissed me with a wave of her hand, as she told me to proceed to the barista to collect my drink. I said, "Hrrrrunnngggg?" or something to that effect.

So there... this east coaster was schooled in that term years ago.

[Dinsdale]

Wow, completely blindsided by that one.

What...that I stated fact?

But I do read a little, so I know what a "barista" is, Dins. Just sayin'.

With all due respect...just from reading, trust me...you really don't. Hard to explain, but it's not just a word or a job...it's a cultural thing. And unless you're surrounded by it, it's hard to comprehend. As I mentioned, some sort of liberal arts, or philosophy, or some other worthless degree is q requirement for the job. All baristas making $8 an hour must have one...and are generally from the Midwest. It's pretty fucking comical....Quacker Backer knows what I'm sayin'....where's Moorese when I need him?

[Dinsdale]

So there... this east coaster was schooled in that term years ago.

OK. I concede...you've at least got a clue. Multiply that times 500 around these parts.

If you didn't have to yell your order over the top of a Sleater-Kinney CD blaring in the background, you didn't get the full-meal deal. If the barrista(whatever) didn't threaten to quit their job right there on the spot to go lay in front of a bulldozer in the Gaza Strip, you didn't get the full effect.

Does that explain it better?

And "real" baristas would never take a job at Starbucky's. Those are the wannabes-in-training.

[indyfrisco]

The baristas can go fuck a goat.

I go in to Buttfucks to order the wife her Mocha all the time. No matter what I ask for, they have to “rename” it.

Frisco: Hi, I’d like a Venti Café Mocha, skim milk, no whipped cream.

Barislunt: [yelling]Venti no fat no whip mocha![/yelling]

[PSUFAN]

I use the following terminology:

"The smallest size"
"The medium size"
"The largest size"

It usually gets under their skin, but they seem to accept it.

[Raydah James]

So there... this east coaster was schooled in that term years ago.

OK. I concede...you've at least got a clue. Multiply that times 500 around these parts.

If you didn't have to yell your order over the top of a Sleater-Kinney CD blaring in the background, you didn't get the full-meal deal. If the barrista(whatever) didn't threaten to quit their job right there on the spot to go lay in front of a bulldozer in the Gaza Strip, you didn't get the full effect.

Does that explain it better?

And "real" baristas would never take a job at Starbucky's. Those are the wannabes-in-training.

cant.....stop.......laughing.......

*tosses a RACK at Dins*

[atomicdad]

Hell, I happened to go into a Starbucks this morning for the first time in, well I can't fucking remember. Only because I was 15 minutes early to get into my bank.

After standing in line for about 10 minutes behind a couple of unemployed pinheads and some soccer-mom who just looked like she dropped her kids off at school and was on the way to the gym, or at least appeared as if that is where she should be off too, it was my time to order.

Me: "Medium Coffee please",
Slunt: "A what?"
Me: "Coffee in your middle sized cup"
Slunt: "You mean a grande"
Me: "If that is your medium size?"
Slunt: "What kind of Coffee?"
Me: "Black"

Chick was all bent out of shape since I could not order properly. I wanted to tell her that she was just working at a coffee shop in Mira "Fucking" Mesa*, but it was too funny how serious she was.


*RJ will understand the locale.

[Dinsdale]

Chick was all bent out of shape since I could not order properly.

There is something to be said for getting your road-java at 7-11.

[Neely8]

Chick was all bent out of shape since I could not order properly.

There is something to be said for getting your road-java at 7-11.

Dunkin Donuts.......Large with cream and sugar........

[Wolfman]

does Starbucks sell a double chocolate donut ?

I rest my case

[Goober McTuber]

does Starbucks sell a double chocolate donut ?

I rest my case

A Milwaukee’s Best aficionado doesn’t buy his coffee at Starbuck’s? Shocking.

[Cicero]

does Starbucks sell a double chocolate donut ?

I rest my case

A Milwaukee’s Best aficionado doesn’t buy his coffee at Starbuck’s? Shocking.

I laughed

[patsy stone]

the small black rim glasses.

I wear these. But I'm DEFINITELY not anorexic, don't work at Starbucks, and my bob grew out during the past year. So I'm safe. I was scared for a minute!

[Dinsdale]

I wear these. But I'm DEFINITELY not anorexic

And you listen to Coldplay, Death Cab, and any other band heralded by the "hipsters." You wear the black rimmed glasses, and are even implying that the ass ain't what it should be.


Yeah, we've met. Pretty hard to come by those types here in the U&L.


C'mon...go ahead and pierce that eyebrow...you know yu want to. Then, you can get yourself a shitty car, fill it with a few clothes, a shitty stereo, and a retarded cat, and move to Portland or Seattle. It's what "you people" do....you know you want to.

I hear there's a job opening in one of the downtown coffee shops that's got your name all over it. Of course, on barista wages, you won't be able to afford to live anywhere near downtown, so you'll have to take the bus to work...but that's a small price to pay for being so "hip," wouldn't you say?

Oh, and as a favor -- could you tell us locals that you're from either Iowa, Missouri, or Wisconsin? We'll feel cheated if you don't drop that part. Maybe even take out a personals ad where you tell everyone how hard it is to meet people here(even though every other person under the age of 40 knows everyone else here).

C'mon...you know you want to. The 60's had the Haight-Ashbury migration, the 00's have the U&L Coffe Shop culture. And when this decade becomes "retro"...you'll be able to say "I was there."

[patsy stone]

Umm...I don't want any lifestyle. I am what I am. Take it or leave it. ;)

And I have thick-rimmed glasses because I have terrible eyesight and my lenses are 1/2" thick. I just got black because it matches everything.

EDIT: And yes, I care about my glasses matching. lol

[BSmack]

And you listen to Coldplay, Death Cab, and any other band heralded by the "hipsters."

All kidding aside, who are these "hipsters"? I'm not exactly in touch with the whole "barista" culture. But something tells me that this has some serious laugh potential.

[bbqjones]

my buddy hated portland so much that he moved he and his family to wisconsin.

[chowd103]

You. Yes you. You with the short "bob" haircut and the small black rim glasses. Fetch me a cup of coffee and spare me the attitude, you fucking anorexic wish-you-were-in-Manhattan-but-happen-to-be-slinging-coffee-in-Cleveland skin tight black pants wearing bitch. No, I'm not particularly impressed that you work in a fucking coffee shop, and thus it is not likely that I'm going to drop a buck in your tip jar unless you either blow me or smile. And we both know neither is going to happen. You might think it is intellectual to pour coffee for me, but it actually happens to be no more intellectual here than it is when the fat Russian broad with pimples over at Dunkin Donuts does it for me. Of course, she does it with a smile. Oh, and her tip jar goes "clank" when I get my joe. Capiche? Humping coffee in Starbucks ain't a career, love. Its a pathetic existence. Most of the regular frauds in here have nowhere else to go but here. They are all impressed with each other, but most of the rest of us see right through their bullshit. You'll figure it out soon enough. Or maybe you won't. Who knows? A dumbass twit like you might be management material. If you were smart, you'd apply for a job at Payless Shoes. A skinny fuck like you would be nails in the stockroom. Just sayin.

Hate to quote all of it....but it's all rack-worthy.

Nice rant, Hatey-Hate!

Oh and Neeley....

Dunkin Donuts.......Large with cream and sugar........

If you actually have to say that in Rhode Island, then the person behind the counter should be unemployed.

It's "Lodge Regulah"....everything is so fucked up nowadays!

I gotta tell 'em that down here, but in RI?
C'mon man....they certainly gotta know this.
Got 4 Dunkin' Donuts down here all within 5 miles.

One within a 1/4 mile.

Yeah- they still rock even for FL.

[Raoul Duke]

but....but.....but......I've got an english degree..........from Bryn Mawr. And, I've thought about writing a book....er......screenplay.......errr......compliation of my short stories. And I've read books by Kerouac, and Sontag, and once, I read a poem by Buckowski. Damn it! I'm an intellectual!!!! Take me seriously!!!!! I haven't sold out. See, I ride my BIKE to work, you horrible fascist.




Oh, and don't forget the tip.

[PSUFAN]

Starbucks offers their employees - even the part-timers - excellent health benefits.

Tip? Sure, have the .21 that remains from my 2spot.

[Ken]

Starbucks offers their employees - even the part-timers - excellent health benefits.

Tip? Sure, have the .21 that remains from my 2spot.

Their store managers (Starbucks is not franchised) make $35-50K, believe it or not. Not bad cha ching for a job such as this. Don't get me wrong, I'd be looking elsewhere before you could say "I'll have a half double skim no whip soy frappulatte, venti".

The weird part is that their store managers are alllowed, now get this... TWO whole free drinks/week.

[Diego in Seattle]

Starbucks offers their employees - even the part-timers - excellent health benefits.

And they've done so since 1988. Rack'em!