hey jsc check out my latest booking.

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:28 am

I'm working with Joanie Laurer, Faye Dunaway, Carrie Fisher among others on a movie called "Cougar Club" tomorrow night, tuesday night and wed. night. she is among the women in the movie about two guys who set up the club for older women to pick up younger guys.

I will be one of the
CORE Group of Cougar Club Members (aka - "prey")

"These will be Party Scenes where you will be interacting with the "Cougar" Ladies on a more personal level."

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0795361/

Shlomart Ben Yisrael · Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:33 am

Awesome billing you get on the imdb webpage, Jess.

I clicked on the "more" tab...still no Jess...

Wolfman · Post by **Wolfman** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:35 am

too bad you didn't get the role
of
Drunk Guy !!!

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:41 am

Jess, that's good that you're living out your "dream" and all that, but can you PLEASE stop posting links to this shit? We don't care. Seriously. And if JSC seems to care so much, maybe you can start shooting him PMs...especially if you're addressing thread subjects specifically to JSC.

Let me know when you land a legitimate role in something...that is, let me know when you're on film #108 and you're actually allowed to mumble a two word sentence.

Who wants to sit through a two hour movie for a 1.5 second glimpse of your fat ass?

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 2:11 am

MgoBlue-LightSpecial wrote:Jess, that's good that you're living out your "dream" and all that, but can you PLEASE stop posting links to this shit? We don't care. Seriously. And if JSC seems to care so much, maybe you can start shooting him PMs...especially if you're addressing thread subjects specifically to JSC.

Let me know when you land a legitimate role in something...that is, let me know when you're on film #108 and you're actually allowed to mumble a two word sentence.

Who wants to sit through a two hour movie for a 1.5 second glimpse of your fat ass?

ahem http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18EFoowpGo0

Van · Post by **Van** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:46 am

Jess, in all seriousness Mgo's correct. PM these things to Jsc. They aren't the least bit thread worthy.

Moroever, there's probably no sillier phrase uttered on this entire board than your ubiquitous phrase, "I'm working with..."

Dude, you're not working with Faye Dunaway or Molly Ringwald or Skreetch. Like a potted palm, a blue screen or catered donuts you happen to occasionally occupy a sound stage at the same time actors are there too, but that's about it.

You're still quite a long way away from reaching a point where anybody in the industry might ever actually utter the phrase, "That Jessie Hieman, I gotta say, I love dude's work. Dude just knocked me out with his performance in..."

You're still a prop, Jess, and croissants don't post new threads to Jsc every time they get eaten by Danny Bonaducci.

Carneliat · Post by **Carneliat** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:01 am

^ truer words have rarely been uttered, no wait, sorry... they are actually fairly common in a JTR thread

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:18 am

Van wrote:Jess, in all seriousness Mgo's correct. PM these things to Jsc. They aren't the least bit thread worthy.

Moroever, there's probably no sillier phrase uttered on this entire board than your ubiquitous phrase, "I'm working with..."

Dude, you're not working with Faye Dunaway or Molly Ringwald or Skreetch. Like a potted palm, a blue screen or catered donuts you happen to occasionally occupy a sound stage at the same time actors are there too, but that's about it.

You're still quite a long way away from reaching a point where anybody in the industry might ever actually utter the phrase, "That Jessie Hieman, I gotta say, I love dude's work. Dude just knocked me out with his performance in..."

You're still a prop, Jess, and croissants don't post new threads to Jsc every time they get eaten by Danny Bonaducci.

dude what the fuck did i do to piss you off man? you treating me like this is just stupid after all those you defnded me for being a smackless tard. but if you're just gonna turn on me like it was all for shit than thats it, im out.

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:30 am

I'd like to know who carries faye dunaways face around between takes.

She was on TV last year in some show and she looked like death warmed over.

cheer up jess. Hell it's better than another political thread.

poptart · Post by **poptart** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:30 am

Yo Jess, yo yo, .... you're gonna take your ball and go home because Van took some swipes at ya .... ?

These were, once upon a time, smack boards.

I see no reason to run yourself.

Myself, I seldom have found cause to post in one of your threads.

Can't pin-point why.

I just had nothing to add, I s'pose.

However, my friend, let it be known that I never, when I had the ability, tossed one of your threads to the shitter.

Yes, I admire your career, and your threads are fine and dandy.

You're the man, and stuff.

These are the good ol' days.

In that spirit, why not tell Van to hump a piano leg, eat your ass, drink a cream soda, or SOME damn thing ..... ?

Diogenes · Post by **Diogenes** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 11:56 am

The real question is, WTF is wrong with jsc, and why does Jess think he'll care about this?

A flick about old hideous skanks hitting on young dorks? (I'm presuming Joanie Laurer is just looking for someone to beat up)

CroMag · Post by **CroMag** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:23 pm

Rack the Entourage clip Jess!

Fuck Van. Have compassion on him. He's bitter because he's jealous. There are far sillier phrases uttered on this board and many others such as, "...Annie", and, "Annie..." Besides that, you're sittin on youtube with a speaking role next to Johnny Drama! I have yet to turn on Discovery and see Van rapping with Paul Sr. or Jesse James! So enjoy your professional accomplishments, keep putting up threads, and let the bitterman greasemonkeys be bitterman greasemonkeys.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:32 pm

jtr,

I second what poptart said. Your threads are no less readable than a 5-page discussion of Steve Vai, or basically anything posted by Diogenes.

Headhunter · Post by **Headhunter** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:38 pm

I'll take a jtr or vai thread any day of the week over the endless bush v libs crap that finds it's way into every single thread around here.

Jess threads are fun. It doesn't mean we are all Jess fans. Hell, half the fun of a good thread (or it used to be, anyways) is smacking on somebody. Instead we're all treated to every thread morphing into a "Bush lied" type thread, which to me is very tired and boring.

Jess, don't take the ball and go home. Rip Van apart and turn him out. Or at least try. Either way will be vastly more entertaining than the fucking endless politics.

nostra · Post by **nostra** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:48 pm

2 out of 3 people hate Tom Cruise, Jess. You seem to have more favorability then that placenta eatting $cientologist.

At some point your hard work and dedication to the small stuff will pay off. Favs will call and say he wants you to play "such and such a role" opposite "some hot slunt" and you'll be ready for it.

And when some cancer ridden Ebert fuck runs the movie through the proverbial shredder you can come back and thank Van for toughening you up because it just doesn't matter. You'll look at your house - You'll look at your pool - You'll look at your checkbook - You'll look at the hooker you pay 5k a night to, and you'll say - "Who really gives a fuck what those no talent hacks think?"

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:16 pm

nostra wrote:2 out of 3 people hate Tom Cruise, Jess. You seem to have more favorability then that placenta eatting $cientologist.

At some point your hard work and dedication to the small stuff will pay off. Favs will call and say he wants you to play "such and such a role" opposite "some hot slunt" and you'll be ready for it.

And when some cancer ridden Ebert fuck runs the movie through the proverbial shredder you can come back and thank Van for toughening you up because it just doesn't matter. You'll look at your house - You'll look at your pool - You'll look at your checkbook - You'll look at the hooker you pay 5k a night to, and you'll say - "Who really gives a fuck what those no talent hacks think?"

RACK THAT TAKE

I respect JTR. Keep your chin up man and press on.

poptart · Post by **poptart** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 1:24 pm

Jess is 28, Sammy.

I think that's about 12 in Jew years though, yeah.

I don't know what that meant.

haha

TenTallBen · Post by **TenTallBen** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 2:03 pm

I'm surprised no one has started a "JTR's Hyundai Elantra" troll. That could have some serious potential.

Van · Post by **Van** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 2:09 pm

You didn't "piss me off" Jess. I simply agree with Mgo here. These threads of yours which are ostensisbly meant just for Jsc ought to be PMs, not new threads. Your attempts at legitimizing what you do with the "I'm working with..." phrase just gets sillier and sillier each time you post it.

Links like the one you just posted only serve to prove everybody's point that much more. That's some truly embarrassing shit there, Jess, and if you have a single red blood cell coursing through your veins you'd have to feel abject shame when you watch that clip.

Plain and simple.

As for your being "out of here", hey, I've been telling you forever that the very best thing you could do with yourself would be to ditch this cyberworld for good and go out and fully immerse yourself in nothing but the real world.

Like you said in another thread, you just hope to get laid before Armageddon arrives? Well, unless you plan on Jsc being the one to do the deed I suggest you stop constantly surfing for pictures of internet women who'd never give you the time of day and I suggest you stop seeking acceptance from internet strangers to whom you really don't matter one iota other than as a bizarre conversation piece...

Look at that clip again, Jess. Look at it closely. That's what you posted, as an example to someone on the internet that you've actually gotten a speaking role.

Jess, if I were an "actor" and I were ever even offered one of your roles I'd punch my agent in the mouth and then I'd go assfuck his daughter just to get that stench out of my soul...

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:09 pm

poptart wrote:Jess is 28, Sammy.

I think that's about 12 in Jew years though, yeah.

I don't know what that meant.

haha

I don't either, but it made me laff. RACK

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:14 pm

I really enjoy Robert Penn Warren. I recommend the books All the King's Men, The Cave, and World Enough and Time. I'll be upset if Hollywood slimes this.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:50 pm

Someday, Jess will host the "Jesse Heiman Variety Hour." He'll be dressed like Uncle Sam and will tap dance out onto the stage to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy." His guests will be Florence Henderson, Judd Nelson, Penn and Teller, and funnyman Bob Saget. Great frivolity will be had by all.

Trust me, I saw this in a vision last night after two glasses of wine.

Trollfessor · Post by **Trollfessor** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 3:53 pm

Uncle Fester wrote:Someday, Jess will host the "Jesse Heiman Variety Hour." He'll be dressed like Uncle Sam and will tap dance out onto the stage to the tune of "Yankee Doodle Dandy." His guests will be Florence Henderson, Judd Nelson, Penn and Teller, and funnyman Bob Saget. Great frivolity will be had by all.

Trust me, I saw this in a vision last night after two glasses of wine.

Didn't you mean to post this under your Jsc810 troll?

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:24 pm

The plate-spinning guy will be on the second show.

Also featured will be a champion yo-yo expert, the comedic stylings of Margaret Cho, and a sing and dance "Salute to Hollywood," performed by Jesse and Barry "Greg Brady" Williams.

The show will end on Jess's tearful tribute to the late Whitman Mayo.

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:46 pm

Actually I was looking into doing a biopic of Bruce Haack.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 4:53 pm

Who the hack is Bruce Haack?

Stick with me kid, and we'll take the Jesse Heiman Variety Hour all the way to the top!

jtr · Post by **jtr** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:00 pm

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... =823171564
Video about Bruce Hack

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:28 pm

Guys...

Look, just because we smack Jess on a smack board (heaven forbid) doesn't mean we don't wish him well in "real life".

Just go with the flow.

Or don't...and continue to wear your Mr. Rogers sweater when you fly in and rescue JTR from all the really bad guys saying mean things.

Van · Post by **Van** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:44 pm

What Mgo said...

Exactly.

Jess knows beyond any shadow of a doubt that I wish him well in real life. Towards that end, yep, I think he ought to do two simple things:

-Sack up and try to build some real self esteem by getting out of an industry that literally treats him with less respect than a potted plant.

See, if there were even a sliver of a chance that there could be a light at the end of the tunnel in terms of Jess ever being allowed to become an actual working actor rather than a permanent stage prop/object of derision, sure, I'd say, "Keep bearing down and chasing that dream!"

There isn't though. He's merely graduating from being the piss mop in banal teen flicks to being the piss mop in banal early twenty's flicks.

Nobody in their right mind is ever going to risk their own paycheck by giving Jess a respectable role. Dude's physical looks, body stature, body language and speaking voice are never going to change to such a point that he could ever be cast as anything but the Human Chew Toy.

Time to punt.

-Throw away his computer, once and for all. Go out and live, rather than forever seeking acceptance from internet strangers.

I guess I'm all about tough love. :-)

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:56 pm

Yeah, don't listen to these guys, Jess -- just keep chasing your dreams.

And don't even feel the need to defend your dreams and motivations to these clowns.

I mean, so what if that "dream" involves lining up for day-labor that involves wearing makeup?

And so what if this "dream" involves having sex with an actual woman before you hit 40, because she was so star-struck by your "work?" "Hey, weren't you that D&D/Ninja guy in that one ad? That 'whaaaaaaaah!' you did was timeless. And that bit with the dentist's chair...outstanding."

So what if this dream quite possibly came during an epiphany while watching Seinfeld..."Wow, that Neuman guy sure has it made. I'll bet he can't go anywhere without chicks throwing themselves at him, and I'll bet the offers for roles as a 'strong leading-man' literally burst from his mailbox...I WANNA BE JUST LIKE THAT GUY WHEN I GROW UP!!!!!!"

Nope, Jess -- don't let any of these things keep you from grabbing that brass ring.

Heck, keep working hard, and they might let you wear that creepy king mask in the Burger King commercials...but let's not put the cart before the horse just yet.

Van · Post by **Van** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:04 pm

Dins and I obviously need to form a business partnership specializing in self help franchises.

We're so money.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:35 pm

We should probably market it on late-night infomercials.

Heck, after he gets a few more years "on the job experience," maybe we could have Jess help out with the sales pitch, or deliver testimonails or something.

That is, of course, if he's not too busy filling orders on the Home Shopping Network by then.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:50 pm

Look, assholes, when they do "It's Pat Part II: The Legend of Curly's Sunken Chest," Jess's stock will be through the roof for the part of brother...I mean sister...

-I mean for the part of "Sibling."

From there he can write his own ticket.

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 7:34 pm

MgoBlue-LightSpecial wrote:Guys...

Look, just because we smack Jess on a smack board (heaven forbid) doesn't mean we don't wish him well in "real life".

Just go with the flow.

Or don't...and continue to wear your Mr. Rogers sweater when you fly in and rescue JTR from all the really bad guys saying mean things.

Mgo, glad to be your neighbor ....

Yeah, best take in this is Nostra's. Age old tale...."Those who can't do, teach". "Those who can't do or teach, criticize".

Your supposition that somehow some posters are donning the Mister Rogers sweater is laughable. So, you post a few nasty thoughts to somebody on the internet .... does that make you think and feel as if your some sort of bad ass ?

Feel free to say what YOU want to say, tough guy, but don't break down to tears when a dissenting opinion or two are thrown up either.

But for God's sake, please don't hurt 'em MgoHammer

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

velocet · Post by **velocet** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 7:57 pm

He gets to work with princess Leia?

Rack you jtr. Big props.

velocet

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:00 pm

Define "work with."

If Jess drops the hammer on Carrie Fischer, he's my new idol.

I don't care WHAT skank looks like these days...she Princess Fucking Leia.

Jimmy Medalions · Post by **Jimmy Medalions** » Fri Jul 14, 2006 8:49 pm

Hey guys, check out the character I'm going for in my next movie! -jtr

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Sat Jul 15, 2006 11:26 pm

Tom, you'll be first in line for the job of bodyguard when Jess "makes it big".

Way to be there for him, big guy! That's precious.

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Mon Jul 17, 2006 5:04 am

So, jess is a piss mop. What of it? He has apparently come far enough along in his career that when some D movie producer tells his assistant, "I'm gonna need a piss mop. Make it an over weight twenty something piss mop", said assistant producer, make that asst. asst. producer knows just where to go. She pulls out her rollodex, does anyone even have a rollodex anymore? and goes right to P, for pissmop and pulls up jesse's agent's name.

He is now a pissmop with a resume. And bottom line is, as long as hollywood is churning out crap, there will always be a market for piss mops. So jesse will have a steady pay check to pay for the krispy creams that keep him in top piss mop form.

As for the long term psychological effects of knowing that your employment rides on your ability to be a sad sack of shit, don't worry about it and use some of that jack for a good shrink.

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Mon Jul 17, 2006 5:14 pm

Pretty much.

JTR's...unorthodox appearance is considered job security.