Jobs Tom is not qualified to do

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 4:55 pm

Food service worker

Oh, did I mention it's in Baghdad?

pron · Post by **pron** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:01 pm

Must have missed something. :?

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:09 pm

Holy shit BSmack, after several years of rejection, maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough.

All previous attempts thwarted by the need to acquire a security clearance for DoD, DoS jobs and lo and behold ...

http://kbrcareers.webrecruiter.com/pls/ ... 03BA74E87F

This is one of those times I'm grateful I was wrong.

Skills (Required):
Communications Services
Equipment Maintenance
Information Technology
Clearance Required? No
Years of Relevant Experience: 5 to 7

I never realized it. But HOPE is offered here.

Thanks agian BSmack.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:24 pm

It should be understood that this position may be located in a hostile area and possibly in a combat or war zone. This could include the possibility of suffering harm at the hands of hostile forces or by friendly fire. It should be further understood that these dangers are inherent to work in a hostile environment.

Especially if you fuck up somebody's pron collection.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:27 pm

Mikey wrote:
It should be understood that this position may be located in a hostile area and possibly in a combat or war zone. This could include the possibility of suffering harm at the hands of hostile forces or by friendly fire. It should be further understood that these dangers are inherent to work in a hostile environment.
Especially if you fuck up somebody's pron collection.

My Diet Pepsi covered monitor says glurp glurp RACK THAT!

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:28 pm

Tom In VA wrote:Holy shit BSmack, after several years of rejection, maybe I just wasn't looking hard enough.

All previous attempts thwarted by the need to acquire a security clearance for DoD, DoS jobs and lo and behold ...

http://kbrcareers.webrecruiter.com/pls/ ... 03BA74E87F

This is one of those times I'm grateful I was wrong.

Skills (Required):
Communications Services
Equipment Maintenance
Information Technology
Clearance Required? No
Years of Relevant Experience: 5 to 7

I never realized it. But HOPE is offered here.

Thanks agian BSmack.

No prob. If your looking for more, there's this thing called Google. Try typing in "Contract work Iraq".

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:34 pm

Here's another job. Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

Social Safety Net Advisor

Job Description:
BearingPoint, Inc. (NYSE-BE) is one of the world's largest Management and Technology Consulting companies dedicated to aligning business and systems to empower Global 2000 companies and government organizations.

The BearingPoint Emerging Market's Team is currently searching for a Social Safety Net Advisor working in Iraq.

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long Term Advisor to help formulate and implement social safety net programs including cash payments, pension reform, microgrants etc. Must have background in social safety net program development and implementation in developed and emerging market countries. Experience in multiple types of safety net programs preferred. Focus is on income support and transitional assistance programs.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Will assist the social safety net Team Leader in all aspect of technical assistance for program design, presentations to counterparts, and implementation.

REQUIRED SKILLS:
Technical: Social welfare policy, planning and budgeting, social program administration, specific experience with one or more social welfare and/or social insurance programs (welfare, disability, child welfare, public pension etc.).

Functional: Excellent communications skills (oral and written), problem solver in the context of both political and administrative issues, team player, experience working in a challenging environment.

Searchable Keywords: Social Safety Net Advisor / gj-mo

Expected Travel Time: None

http://jobsearch.monster.com/getjob.asp ... obscomview

No word yet on wether Phil Mickelson will make you hit driver on the 18th at Winged Foot as a part of the interview process.

BTW: Here's my idea of a saftey net in Baghdad. Give everybody a fucking 9mm and get the fuck out.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:38 pm

Rumsfeld is looking for a gig

And I doubt Secretary of Defense is covered by Unemployment Compensation, so it ain't like he can collect a check twice a month for 6 months like me

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:50 pm

Who says I don't care about all of our forlorn dittotards? Now I done found a job Whitey can do.

Job Description: Warehouseman

Warehousemen

In this key role, you will receive, check in and issue materials in support of plant construction and maintenance activities. You will also be responsible for maintaining inventories and completing records as required.

A minimum of 3 years warehousing experience is required. Inventory Management experience is needed. Candidates with an MOS of 92A or 92Y are needed.

All candidates must be willing to sign a one year open ended agreement following a minimum of 14 days of processing in Houston. Interested, qualified candidates must apply online at: http://www.KBRjobs.com

http://jobsearch.monster.com/getjob.asp ... obscomview

Not sure how much Bud Lite in in Iraq. You might want to arrange for care packages.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 5:53 pm

Cooter, don't think I haven't been thinking about you.

Incinerator Operator

In this key role, you will tend one or more incinerator furnaces that burn refuse, such as sludge, trash and garbage. You will be responsible for pulling the mechanism that releases refuse from the hopper into the incinerator and moving the levers to ignite burners, adjust blowers and dampers that regulate airflow and temperature and to control charging, discharging and quenching mechanisms of the furnace. You will also open the furnace door and agitate the burning refuse to facilitate combustion using a stoking hoe. Additional duties will include: moving levers to open the grade and drop ashes and noncombustible materials from the furnace at the end of the burning cycle; replacing refractory linings of the furnace using firebrick and mortar; and cleaning debris from the furnace room floor using a rake and broom. You may be assisting the foreman in the maintenance and repair of cranes, conveyor equipment and exhaust system using hand tools.

All candidates must be willing to sign a one year open ended agreement following a minimum of 14 days of processing in Houston.

Interested, qualified candidates must apply online at: http://www.KBRjobs.com.

It should be understood that this position may be located in a hostile area and possibly in a combat or war zone. This could include the possibility of suffering harm at the hands of hostile forces or by friendly fire. It should be further understood that these dangers are inherent to work in a hostile environment.

http://jobsearch.monster.com/getjob.asp ... obscomview

Nobody more qualified to shovel garbage into a fire than you Cooter.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:19 pm

Sounds like a m0d job here

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 12:08 am

You can't get a security clearance to go to Iraq?

Great googly-moogly, why don't you just tattoo "LOSER" across your forehead.

Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.

Smackie Chan · Post by **Smackie Chan** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 12:21 am

KBR is comprised of two distinct business units: Government and Infrastructure and Energy and Chemicals.

I count four.

Commas are your friends.

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:50 am

Dinsdale wrote:Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.

You're a lying little cunt message board troll, that's about all you are. But you're good at it, at least you found your niche.

Psycho Magnet · Post by **Psycho Magnet** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:57 am

I've actually thought about taking one of those Halliburton jobs for a year. :whoops:

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:44 am

Tom In VA wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.
You're a lying little cunt message board troll, that's about all you are. But you're good at it, at least you found your niche.

Was this in general, or were you doubting something specific in my post?

If it was the latter, then guess again.

If it was the former...maybe.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:48 am

Tom In VA wrote: You're a lying little cunt message board troll.

Dins is not little.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:06 pm

Dinsdale wrote: I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record

Are these two items somehow unrelated?

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:09 pm

Tom In VA wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.
You're a lying little cunt message board troll, that's about all you are. But you're good at it, at least you found your niche.

Jeebus, when did Hobo Jim get so bitter?

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:41 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:
Dinsdale wrote: I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record
Are these two items somehow unrelated?

Actually, yeah.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 2:54 pm

Well, if selling drugs is not part of your criminal record, then the Feds would not know of it and it shouldn’t impact your ability to work in their building.

How long is your criminal record? We know there was something regarding alcohol and vehicles. I’m guessing there must be a firearms violation in there. Multiple disorderly conducts, probably in double figures. What else? Possession of phillips head deck screws? Distribution of blended wines?

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:03 pm

I hear he feverishly chugged a PBR in an apartment building stairwell...caught on camera, of course. They almost kicked him out of Oregon...or at least to Derron's gated compound, where PBR would greatly improve upon all of the urine-quaffing.

Derron · Post by **Derron** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 3:05 pm

Dinsdale wrote:You can't get a security clearance to go to Iraq?

Great googly-moogly, why don't you just tattoo "LOSER" across your forehead.

Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.

Not that uncommon....

I did some work on a Federal building in years past... probably the same one Dins may have worked on...we got an invitation to the grand opening / dedication. Walked in the basement, got on the elevator rode to the main floor and walked off. We were there for almost an hour before ANYBODY questioned our lack of badges.

In that posse was :

multiple misdemenaor convictions, 2 felony convictions, one probation and likely undocumented worker. We had been on that job for a year, in and out of the building 2 times a week, sometimes every day.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:13 pm

Derron wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:You can't get a security clearance to go to Iraq?

Great googly-moogly, why don't you just tattoo "LOSER" across your forehead.

Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.
Not that uncommon....

I did some work on a Federal building in years past... probably the same one Dins may have worked on...we got an invitation to the grand opening / dedication. Walked in the basement, got on the elevator rode to the main floor and walked off. We were there for almost an hour before ANYBODY questioned our lack of badges.

In that posse was :

multiple misdemenaor convictions, 2 felony convictions, one probation and likely undocumented worker. We had been on that job for a year, in and out of the building 2 times a week, sometimes every day.

Doesn't surprise me. 3 years of working as a foot messenger taught me that you can pretty much get in anywhere if you look like you belong there.

socal · Post by **socal** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:36 pm

BSmack wrote:Doesn't surprise me. 3 years of working as a foot massager taught me that you can pretty much get in anywhere if you look like you belong there.

Fixed for accuracy and stuff.

Smackie Chan · Post by **Smackie Chan** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:45 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:
Dinsdale wrote: I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record
Are these two items somehow unrelated?

Dude's from the U&L. In all likelihood, the criminal record involves something with four legs. And we're not talkin' Siamese Doublemint twins.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 4:59 pm

socal wrote:
BSmack wrote:Doesn't surprise me. 3 years of working as a foot massager taught me that you can pretty much get in anywhere if you look like you belong there.
Fixed for accuracy and stuff.

I hope Marsellus Wallace gonna have his ass tossed off the 4th floor balcony

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 5:02 pm

Cuda wrote:
socal wrote:
BSmack wrote:Doesn't surprise me. 3 years of working as a foot massager taught me that you can pretty much get in anywhere if you look like you belong there.
Fixed for accuracy and stuff.
I hope Marsellus Wallace gonna have his ass tossed off the 4th floor balcony

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 5:04 pm

Would you give ME a foot massage?

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 5:08 pm

Cuda wrote:Would you give ME a foot massage?

Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwan into a glass motherfuckin' house fuckin' up the way the mvscal talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass cuz I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?

Derron · Post by **Derron** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 5:23 pm

BSmack wrote:
Cuda wrote:Would you give ME a foot massage?
Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwan into a glass motherfuckin' house fuckin' up the way the mvscal talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass cuz I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?

Been hitting the ole Ebonics pipe again this morning ??

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 5:53 pm

Derron wrote:
BSmack wrote:
Cuda wrote:Would you give ME a foot massage?
Look, just because I don't be givin' no man a foot massage don't make it right for Marsellus to throw Antwan into a glass motherfuckin' house fuckin' up the way the mvscal talks. Motherfucker do that shit to me, he better paralyze my ass cuz I'll kill the motherfucker, know what I'm sayin'?
Been hitting the ole Ebonics pipe again this morning ??

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:28 pm

Dinsdale wrote:
Tom In VA wrote:
Dinsdale wrote:Jeebus, they let me work in the Federal Building...and I used to sell drugs and have this annoying little criminal record, for goodness sake.
You're a lying little cunt message board troll, that's about all you are. But you're good at it, at least you found your niche.
Was this in general, or were you doubting something specific in my post?

If it was the latter, then guess again.

If it was the former...maybe.

Getting to cleared to clean toilets is not what I was referring to. Getting cleared to serve food is not in my occupational speciality group. I am an IT loser. I am honest and candid in interviews with the alcohol related offenses that will cause a "red flag" in getting TS and other types of clearances. As far as I know, I will never EVER be able to get some of the higher clearances available. That is, of course, if I remain honest. Which I intend to do.

In general I have little to no trust in what you type, ever.

My bitterness in my response is due to a defensive reaction to the one truth I saw in your post. I won't get "LOSER" tattooed on my forehead as I am a less a "LOSER" than I was 4-5 years ago. Threads like this remind me I have still have my work cut out for me and that reality sucks sometimes.

But all things considered, new job, new house, new dog, wife that's not on my back, I'm lucky to be alive and on this side of the grass.

Have a nice life.

Dinsdale · Post by **Dinsdale** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 7:39 pm

Tom In VA wrote: In general I have little to no trust in what you type, ever.

FWIW (which is "nothing," by my estimation), the overwhelming majority of the outrageous tales I spin on here are 100% true. Some of the hogging exploits may have been slightly embellished. But really, when a person approaches life in the completely irresponsible manor that I do, action, adventure, and epicosity are sure to follow.

Because this is how I do.

Have a nice life.

Already have, thank you. And I plan to continue to do just that. It's been one hell of a ride so far.

Derron · Post by **Derron** » Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:18 pm

^^^^^^^^^^

I don't understand where that comes from.

Sincerely,

Perversion, Beastilty, Drugtaking, Alcoholic Binges, Gambling, Whoring and Republican Bashing.