Christmas Shopping Tips

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:27 pm

Let's hear 'em.

Me, I've been down with a really bad head cold for three days, but yesterday I filled my pockets with Kleenex and headed for a snooty gift shop.

As always happens to a person of my exceptional personal magnitude, I soon attracted crowds of women, who pushed and shoved their way into my shopping space. If I picked something up, some old bag wanted to see what it was. If I stopped in an aisle, the cell-phoned airhead made a run at me with her shopping cart.

So what to do?

I pulled out a slightly used Kleenex and started hacking away. All of that sneezing, dripping, oozing, and coughing that's been plaguing me lately instantly became a major advantage. The crowds parted, the lady breathing down my neck disappeared. I could move again. I could breath again. Personal space was mine.

So if you're trying to grab a few gifts, do it while you're sick. Cough and sneeze your head off. Handle things. Demand that the clerk show you a sample of Rancid Polecat No. 2.

You'll thank me later.

Fester
Christmas Shopping Consultant

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Coming up after the break, we'll show you hot to make decorative Christmas decorations out of barbed wire.

YD · Post by YD » Tue Dec 05, 2006 7:55 pm

I fart

yer all welcome

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 9:49 pm

I crap my pants... literally!

-sin,
RTS

YD · Post by YD » Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:14 pm

Cuda wrote:I crap my pants... literally!

-sin,
RTS

cuda, I remember those "I'll be damned if I didn't shit my pants in wallmart again" threads from a few yrs ago.

I could never remember who wrote those or what board.

tell me that wasn't shrubbs ........lmao

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:27 pm

More Tips:

The following "gifts" are not considered such by your wife:

Automobile floormats
Dish drainer
Left-handed can opener
Bas Ruten's Big Book of Combat
Any floral product purchased from Holiday, Super America, or Tom Thumb

YD · Post by YD » Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:36 pm

my wife put a box grater in my stocking one year

we all got new stockings the next year

that grater was better at shredding stockings than grating chez

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:44 pm

timmay wrote:
Cuda wrote:I crap my pants... literally!

-sin,
RTS
cuda, I remember those "I'll be damned if I didn't shit my pants in wallmart again" threads from a few yrs ago.

I could never remember who wrote those or what board.

tell me that wasn't shrubbs ........lmao

Actually, I was resetting the time shrubb claimed to have seen something on TV that was really just an urban legend & really never was on TV.

He claimed he crapped his pants... literally!

Then somebody called him on it and he took a lonnnnng vacation from the boards

You could probably find it on .net if you had the interest. I think that was where it was

YD · Post by YD » Tue Dec 05, 2006 10:48 pm

bah, no need to go searching through dumpaters for week old pizza.

I think it was at TOT with the wallmart sharts

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:00 pm

You want me to search .net for a shrubber post about crapping his pants?

No thanks.

What was the old SNL skit about having a thousand red hot needles jammed into your eyes...?

Bobby42 · Post by **Bobby42** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:01 pm

Fester,

Go out a buy a bunch of gift cards; a there's a wide variety to choose from. And, there's still plenty of time for Internet shopping. If you're forced into a "last minute" situation, then all you need is a plan and about 3 hours.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Tue Dec 05, 2006 11:06 pm

I dunno, women can be funny about those gift cards. They rank 'em just barely above the dish drainer, box of cigars, and barbell set.

Husker4ever · Post by **Husker4ever** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:39 am

A gift card to "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" will make any woman jump up and down like a 4 year old boy who just got a new power ranger costume. The only drawback is actually having to enter that place to buy one.

smackaholic · Post by **smackaholic** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 12:53 am

I'm thinking of getting the OL a 10 drawer (or better) tool chest. With ball bearing drawer slides.

Husker4ever · Post by **Husker4ever** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 1:01 am

smackaholic wrote:I'm thinking of getting the OL a 10 drawer (or better) tool chest. With ball bearing drawer slides.

Put a 100 dollar Bed, Bath, and Beyond giftcard in the drawer. When she finds it she'll go apeshit with glee. Then tell her you've always wanted to make sweet love to her on a toolbox. You just got yourself a 500 dollar tool rig and pussy every night for a week. 'Bode!!!!

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:18 am

I went to Jared.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:40 pm

Husker4ever wrote:A gift card to "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" will make any woman jump up and down like a 4 year old boy who just got a new power ranger costume. The only drawback is actually having to enter that place to buy one.

In the more modern parts of the USA, you can buy these things at Safeway.

Maybe Nebraska will get this capability about the same time the stores change over to electrically powered cash registers.

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 4:45 pm

Husker4ever wrote:A gift card to "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" will make any woman jump up and down like a 4 year old boy who just got a new power ranger costume. The only drawback is actually having to enter that place to buy one.

Just so your bros don't see you.

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product ... SKU=109132

Merry Christmas.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:14 pm

I do most of my shopping on the internets. You have to do it a few weeks early but you can also avoid all the assholes.

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:16 pm

Mikey wrote:I do most of my shopping on the internets. You have to do it a few weeks early but you can also avoid all the assholes.

Not if you surf here while you're shopping.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:26 pm

Tom In VA wrote:
Mikey wrote:I do most of my shopping on the internets. You have to do it a few weeks early but you can also avoid all the assholes.
Not if you surf here while you're shopping.

Yeah, but at least this way you don't have to smell them.

Uncle Fester · Post by **Uncle Fester** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:30 pm

I actually bought something at a Bed and Beyond once.

It was a sprayer for shooting olive oil on food. I gave it to my bro-in-law, the one who is always grilling Omaha steaks or chicken breasts.

He gave it the "Ohhh, thanks" look, and set it aside to be run over by a truck when I was gone.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:51 pm

Shopping is a hassle for me. My wife seems to enjoy it...so she generally does it.

Recently, we went in to a Crate and Barrel to look at lamps. I looked around, and found something I liked in under 5 minutes. I told my wife, "let's get this one. It's nice." She looked it over, and agreed. I was about to ask for help, and she gave me a look like..."WAIT a minute. We just GOT here!" That's when I understood what kind of trouble I was in.

I guess you're not allowed to decide quickly...you have to stand around mooning at all of the other stuff for at least 75 minutes...which is what we did, to my increasing annoyance. I started noticing the other folks in the store, and the employees. People would walk in, and talk to the salespeople - describing their living spaces, describing what they wanted, and the assoc. would ruminate over this, and at HUGE fucking length, they'd unfurl a bewildering, hand-twitching rendition of their wares.

At long length, my wife decided that she was comfortable with the thing I picked out in under 5 minutes initially. So I go up to an assoc. and asked how much it was.

About the type of folks who work in these places...on Sunday afternoons. I guess they are folks who like to get their small talk on, and who can prattle great roaring rivers of full-bodied inanity with aplomb. So, they are always gay dudes who have other jobs...they're just there because they "love design" and they "love talking to people".

Asking one of these people to help you is a trial. They have to prance over to the counter, page through piles of tomes, then call someone on their idjit BLUETOOTH, then disappear for 25 minutes into the back, return and page some more, then get on the workstation and type endlessly UNTIL at long last, they're prepared to tell you "$298.00...now let me see if we have it in stock".

So it all repeats, until you are ready to start pissing all over the suede couches and biting out the aortas of the bystanders, and at long last, after you have assented to "buying the floor model if you want it today", you are ready to tender payment, which you do with CASH money, which surprises them, because now they are unable to fumble and rattle their way through a CC transaction for another 45 minutes; they have to simply hand you change and let you go.

BUT NO! You cannot wrap the cord up and carry it out, despite your eagerness to do so - you must allow it to be boxed, then listen to directions about how to pull up behind the store and ring the bell, and authenticate yourself by scanning the barcode under the door, and then 2 pimply lads eye-dulled by THC finally emerge, with your lampbox swaying loosely in their limp-wristed grasp, you snatch the box away from them, heave it into your car, toss your wife a look "Fuck YES, I FINALLY beat these assholes" and drive off home.

OldFartMart, take me away...

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:57 pm

Any time the OL wants to "go shopping", I find a way to weasel out. No exceptions, and I think after 19 1/2 years she's finally catching on.

BSmack · Post by **BSmack** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:15 pm

Mikey wrote:Any time the OL wants to "go shopping", I find a way to weasel out. No exceptions, and I think after 19 1/2 years she's finally catching on.

"Shopping" is what my wife calls spending time wandering aimlessly through a shopping mall whilst gabbing with one or two of her girlfriends. Sometimes she even brings something home that is somewhat useful. But most of the time she brings home shiny trinkets that attracted her attention. She then shows them to me as if I give a shit.

Husker4ever · Post by **Husker4ever** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:18 pm

Tom In VA wrote:
Husker4ever wrote:A gift card to "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" will make any woman jump up and down like a 4 year old boy who just got a new power ranger costume. The only drawback is actually having to enter that place to buy one.
Just so your bros don't see you.

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product ... SKU=109132

Merry Christmas.

Excellent!

Husker4ever · Post by **Husker4ever** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:20 pm

Cuda wrote:
Husker4ever wrote:A gift card to "Bed, Bath, and Beyond" will make any woman jump up and down like a 4 year old boy who just got a new power ranger costume. The only drawback is actually having to enter that place to buy one.
In the more modern parts of the USA, you can buy these things at Safeway.

Maybe Nebraska will get this capability about the same time the stores change over to electrically powered cash registers.

Safeway went under out here in these here parts. Didn't stock enough hog maws, overrall repair kits, or copies of "I love my sister....hard" in the video section.

Hobbes · Post by **Hobbes** » Wed Dec 06, 2006 6:28 pm

RACK PSUFAN. Spot on account of the abortion that is C&B. My wife loves that place; I avoid it like the plague.