How was Church?

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 2:59 pm

I had a kid puking Sunday morning so I left the children and wife at home. Sunday School (primarily scripture study) was interesting. We have a new instructor and she's a bit overwhelmed right now. Lots of "uhh...ummm..and then...uhhh". The lesson was on Matt 6-7 which contains some passages on repentance and forgiveness. In her closing remarks to a group of 50 hardcore conservative mormons she has the audacity to say that Newt Gingrich just recently admitted that during the Lewinsky investigation he was having an affair. Newt should not have been judging the President lest he be judged. With all of her uhhh...ummm...lack of confidence it took her a good couple of minutes to work her way around the subject and make her point. Everyone could see it coming from a mile away and by the time she got it out there was a pregnant tension in the room that was too thick to breathe. Brother Brotherson couldn't help himself and he pipes up. "Newt admitted that in 1999. It didn't just come out! And he never lied about it under oath!" Somebody else piped up and brought the meeting back to a spiritual plane thank goodness.

After church I went to choir practice and then went home teaching. I visit with a special needs couple(which is awesome) and with a family of 5. Their kids are 4, 2, and newborn. The older two were really shy at first but now they like to sit on my lap and show me their favorite Barbie Princess movies, princess dancing shoes, fairies, etc. I baked brownies for everyone and taught a lesson on compassion. It went really well.

Next week I teach the lesson in quorum meeting (all male). The topic is "Discovering the Scriptures for Yourself".
Next week I narrate verse two during a special musical number. Should be epic. I'm a good narrator/orator.

Now I have all week to run smack on you idiots before repenting and going back to church.

How did your sunday/saturday services go?

MgoBlue-LightSpecial · Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:06 pm

I take it you forgot to log in with your Dan Vogel troll.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:06 pm

I went to church last Sunday
So I could sing and pray
But something quite unusual
Happened on that day

Now church it started right on time
Just like it does without a doubt
And everything was all just fine
Except when it came time to let us out

You know the preacher he kept preaching
He told us I have one more thing to say
Children before you think of leaving
You better think about the Judgment Day

Now everyone got nervous
Because everyone was hungry too
And everyone was wondering
What was the next thing he would do

And the preacher he kept preaching
He said now I'll remind you if I may
You all better pay attention
Or I might decide to preach all day

And now everyone was getting so hungry
That the old ones started feeling ill
And the weak ones started passing out
And the young ones they could not sit still

And the preacher's voice rose higher
So I snuck up on the balcony
And I crept into the choir
And I begged them brothers, sisters, help me please

I said when I give you a signal
I said when I raise up my hand
Won't you please join with me together
And praise the Lord I have a plan

And the preacher he kept preaching
Long is the struggle, hard the fight
And I prayed, Father please forgive me
And then I stood up and with all my might
I sang

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
And I listened to what the preacher said
Now it's to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat

Yes and I did give a signal
Yes and I raised up my hands
And then joined with me the choir
Yes every woman, child, and man
They sang

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
And I've listened to what the preacher said
Now it's to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat

And the preacher he stopped preaching
And a hush the church did fill
And then a great white dove from up above
Landed on the window sill

And the dove flew down beside him
And a fork appeared right in his hand
And with everybody watching
The preacher ate that bird right there and then

And now everyone got really nervous
And the preacher he did start to glow
And as we watched in disbelief
These were the words he spoke

He said now Mama's in the kitchen
And she's been there all day
And I know she's cooking something good
So let's bow our heads and pray
And he sang

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
Now listen to what the preacher said
He said to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat

And the moral of this story
Children it is plain but true
God knows if a preacher preaches long enough
Even he'll get hungry too
And he'll sing

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
Now listen to what the preacher said
He said to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:07 pm

is this your idea of......

Rootbeer wrote:posting quality takes and smack.

Britney's Discharge · Post by **Britney's Discharge** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:10 pm

Well I for one am inspired.

poptart · Post by **poptart** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:13 pm

Rootbeer wrote:I baked brownies for everyone and taught a lesson on compassion.

You're either a faggot or a stoner.

At your age, I bet fag.

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:14 pm

Let me get this straight .... response number 1 belongs in the "Theology forum" ... Right ?

1. Doesn't repenting also require a firm purpose of amendment, i.e. change ? You're not suggesting souls are like dry erase boards are you ?

Other than that man, excellent news, good to see you're an active member in the community and all. Inspirational even.

Is response number 2 appropriate for this forum ?

2. Church ? Fuck you choirboy I don't go to church, precisely because people like you inhabit the building. Hosting an "all male" event, I'll bet you are. So are you all getting naked, banging bongos in the woods and reading the story of Sampson ?

Your little "instructor" was "uhh .... umming ... uhhing" and what not because she still had the dude she picked up at a U&L bar ('sup Dins) pubic hairs and taste of semen in her mouth from the night before. And the only reason she brings up Newt in that fashion is because she's looking to get laid. Biggest troll there is. She just wants to see who has the balls to step to her stupidity so she can mark them for a weekend of A2M later on. Women are sneaky bitches that way.

Anyway, I "repent" if that wasn't appropriate, I'm trying to figure out the rules here.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:14 pm

So Root Beer is a Mormon. Just curious, do the young Mormon girls get magic thongs?

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 · Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:15 pm

Rootbeer wrote:I visit with a special needs couple...

RACK US!

Sin,

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:44 pm

Felix wrote:is this your idea of......

Rootbeer wrote:posting quality takes and smack.

:lol:

Emoticons are tools of the weak, lazy, and uninspiring. That about sums you up, pussy. Carry on.

Britney's Discharge wrote: Well I for one am inspired.

That's an excellent example of sarcasm without an emoticon crutch. Felix, take notes. You could learn something from Britney's Discharge.

poptart wrote:You're either a faggot or a stoner.

At your age, I bet fag.

What's your problem with brownies and compassion? Love motivates us to compassion. Compassion motivates us toward service. Remember that the next time you murder a 10-year-old Korean whore and sink her in ham netting and lead weights. You put her out of her misery. A life of physical and emotional pain has been saved through your compassionate act. Then go home, eat some brownies, and study up on next week's lesson: Discovering the Scriptures for Yourself.

Tom In VA wrote:Blah blah nitpick this and that.

Tom, you'll get used to me after a while. I make the rules, I enforce the rules, I break my own rules. I make new rules to cover my tracks. It all happens rather quickly so try to keep up.

Goober wrote:So Root Beer is a Mormon. Just curious, do the young Mormon girls get magic thongs?

It's Rootbeer. Not Root Beer. Use the quote feature if you can't master the spacebar, ahkay?
If you want to have a legitimate religious discussion, I'm game. But I won't entertain you by answering snide pot shots.

ucant wrote: RACK US!
[img of two dudes]

Photoshop a $70 traffic-cone-orange polo on one of those dudes and I'll Rack it.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 3:57 pm

Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?

The Whistle Is Screaming · Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:06 pm

The Saturday "ritual" is to drop off little TWISlette at religious school and go out for bagels & coffee ('sup me). Return for Family services and get the prayer on. This week, we honored the religious school teachers, they performed the service so the Rabbi got the morning off. He did give a nice speech in recognition of their efforts and the importance of teaching and its foundations in the Torah. I sat in the back with my friends and we talked about NCAA hoops and the lack of sexual activity with our wives. We had a nice lunch in the reception hall and went home.

War spiritual rejuvenation and March Madness.

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:08 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?

Lay off the shift key, Goober. Rootbeer. One word, one capital letter at the beginning.
I have as many wives as it takes to breed the stupid out of your feculent pedigree.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:09 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?
Lay off the shift key, Goober. Rootbeer. One word, one capital letter at the beginning.
I have as many wives as it takes to breed the stupid out of your feculent pedigree.

I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:14 pm

The Whistle Is Screaming wrote: War spiritual rejuvenation and March Madness.

Rack that schedule. For dinner yesterday a made breaded shrimp from scratch, steamed red potatoes, and corn on the cob. That's some dang good viddles let me tell ya but not as epic as having some jewish nuns or whatever make lunch at church.

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 · Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:15 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote:Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?
Lay off the shift key, Goober. Rootbeer. One word, one capital letter at the beginning.
I have as many wives as it takes to breed the stupid out of your feculent pedigree.
I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.

Messing up the quote function so it appears as if you're replying to yourself = BODE? Okay...

Tom In VA · Post by **Tom In VA** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:17 pm

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote:Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?
Lay off the shift key, Goober. Rootbeer. One word, one capital letter at the beginning.
I have as many wives as it takes to breed the stupid out of your feculent pedigree.
I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.

Messing up the quote function so it appears as if you're replying to yourself = BODE? Okay...

Something far more sinister and psychedelic happened there man. Pay attention, close attention, when heart sang "Magicman" they just might have been singing about Rootbeer. Dude has powers.

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:20 pm

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote:Sorry, RootBeer, I’ll try to pay closer attention. Didn’t mean for you to get your magic bloomers all twisted up. How many wives do you have?
Lay off the shift key, Goober. Rootbeer. One word, one capital letter at the beginning.
I have as many wives as it takes to breed the stupid out of your feculent pedigree.
I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.

Messing up the quote function so it appears as if you're replying to yourself = BODE? Okay...

ucant,

RootbeeR used his mod powers to respond within my original message. That’s what I quoted. Then he came back with a do-over, took it out and made a separate quote-and-reply. So I still have the massive, albeit self-declared, BODE.

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:21 pm

Goober McTuber wrote: I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.

Oh yes absolutely. You have BODE in the same vein as Hiroshima and Nagasaki have BODE over uranium 235. Your BODE looks like the Grand Canyon to the water of my smack. If the sun shone BODE, you would be Pluto. You suck. You know it, I know it, and the only denial is a hollow one. Keep screaming in the dark that you're not scared and the bogey man won't eat you, right? Wrong. You are dinner. You are grass. And I'm the lawnmower man.

Felix · Post by **Felix** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:24 pm

Tom In VA wrote:Dude has powers.

wyrd......

Douchebag · Post by **Douchebag** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:29 pm

oh my god. i cannot even believe my eyes. a mormon? a fucking mormon? Ohhhhhhhh, please buddy, let me know where you're at and i'll pencil you in on my assbeatnig trip. please dress yourself up in a white shirt and black tie too so i can fully enjoy the experience. Got any Choice Hotels near you?

Goober McTuber · Post by **Goober McTuber** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:30 pm

Rootbeer wrote:
Goober McTuber wrote: I obviously got all up in your dome with like two posts. I have BODE and stuff.
Oh yes absolutely. You have BODE in the same vein as Hiroshima and Nagasaki have BODE over uranium 235. Your BODE looks like the Grand Canyon to the water of my smack. If the sun shone BODE, you would be Pluto. You suck. You know it, I know it, and the only denial is a hollow one. Keep screaming in the dark that you're not scared and the bogey man won't eat you, right? Wrong. You are dinner. You are grass. And I'm the lawnmower man.

Yeah, right. You are like a whacked out version of poptart.

The Whistle Is Screaming · Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:30 pm

Rootbeer wrote:For dinner yesterday a made breaded shrimp from scratch,

Oh great and mighty Husband,

1)Those weren't shrimp
2) we have differing opinions on what constitutes "breading"
3) Please, for the love of GOD and god, stop scratching down there it itches enough as is (pick me up another tube of Monostat and count on skipping my "night" this week)
4) I laughed when wife #12 asked what that "fishy" smell was

sin,
Mrs. Rootbeer #7

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 · Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:43 pm

Rootbeer wrote:and the bogey man won't eat you, right?

What does this have to do with Hefty Mickelson at a British Open?

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:53 pm

Douchebag wrote:oh my god. i cannot even believe my eyes. a mormon? a fucking mormon? Ohhhhhhhh, please buddy, let me know where you're at and i'll pencil you in on my assbeatnig trip. please dress yourself up in a white shirt and black tie too so i can fully enjoy the experience. Got any Choice Hotels near you?

Yeppers. I am a Mormon. However, your road trip won't bring you within a thousand miles of me. Sorry. Besides, you have no chance of scoring a strike on me. NONE. If you want to know why, start a separate thread about it and I'll elaborate.

TWIS, that's religiously insensitive. Rack it.

ucan't, I don't understand the Hefty reference. Whenever I hear the word Hefty in combination with a golf reference I get the mental image of an orange construction barrel err... elgrandepeehole posing in the clubhouse.

Cuda · Post by **Cuda** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:03 pm

Goober McTuber wrote:RootbeeR used his mod powers to respond within my original message. That’s what I quoted. Then he came back with a do-over, took it out and made a separate quote-and-reply. .

Sure he did. I suppose he also wytched the skid mark in PUSFAN's drawers and planted Orc's football take into KFC Paul's post on another fora?

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 · Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:15 pm

Rootbeer wrote:ucan't, I don't understand...

...the difference between the boogeyman and the bogey man?

Sometimes... if you add or subtract a letter from a word it can take on a hole knew meaning. Ya folla?

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:33 pm

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 wrote: Sometimes... if you add or subtract a letter from a word it can take on a hole knew meaning. Ya folla?

What the heck is this? Who said you get to run grammar/spelling smack? I don't recall giving you permission. Do you have a note from one of the other teachers, young man?

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 · Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:51 pm

Rootbeer wrote:Who said you get to run grammar/spelling smack?

I don't run spelling smack... unless it's to belitte a shit poster's horrible attempt at running speeeling/grammer/your and idiot smack.

I was just pointing out how I made a "punny" and you missed it. Spelling smack is sux and gax...

warren · Post by **warren** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:07 pm

Mikey wrote:I went to church last Sunday

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
Now listen to what the preacher said
He said to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat

Somebody's probably already done it, but just case, thanks for the Lyle.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:11 pm

warren wrote:
Mikey wrote:I went to church last Sunday

To the Lord let praises be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
We've got some beans and some good cornbread
Now listen to what the preacher said
He said to the Lord let praised be
It's time for dinner now let's go eat
Somebody's probably already done it, but just case, thanks for the Lyle.

Any time, my friend. And you're the first - the rest are just too ignorant and/or caught up in The Incredible Return of Rootbeer to get it.

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:14 pm

Mikey wrote:
warren wrote:
Somebody's probably already done it, but just case, thanks for the Lyle.
Any time, my friend. And you're the first - the rest are just too ignorant and/or caught up in The Incredible Return of Rootbeer to get it.

I didn't get it, Mikey. I don't know if that's a parody or a directly quoted piece of prose. Never heard it before. Now if it's a parody you wrote then you should have mixed in a maté reference. I would have Racked that for sure.

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:21 pm

It's a Lyle Lovett song. I don't have the patience or creativity to sit down and write something like that off the top of my head or anywhere else.

I don't think Lyle drinks maté and would most likely never refer to it in a song. Me, I'm still hooked on the stuff, and have a one cup coffee maker here in the office dedicated to it. I think I'll go make up a gourd right now, now that you mention it.

PS, I'm impressed with your spreadsheet skilz.

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 7:32 pm

Mikey wrote:It's a Lyle Lovett song. I don't have the patience or creativity to sit down and write something like that off the top of my head or anywhere else.

I don't think Lyle drinks maté and would most likely never refer to it in a song. Me, I'm still hooked on the stuff, and have a one cup coffee maker here in the office dedicated to it. I think I'll go make up a gourd right now, now that you mention it.

Lyle Lovett is one heck of a model American. When he married Julia Roberts he gave hope to ugly people everywhere. I respect him for that but I've never listened to a single song of his.
I don't have any right now but suddenly I have a hanker. Maybe I'll hit the Spic Stop for a bag. It's a bit risky buying it out here because you never know how long the bag's been sitting on the shelf. We have plenty of mexicans out here but very few south americans. That means you can get all the dope and crank you want but you're up a creek when it comes to maté.

ElvisMonster · Post by **ElvisMonster** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:15 pm

Cuda wrote:Sure he did. I suppose he also wytched the skid mark in PUSFAN's drawers and planted Orc's football take into KFC Paul's post on another fora?

He also stole The Shrubber's password when Roger was away from the board for two months grieving the death of his father and used it to post personal information about another poster which he no doubt obtained from the Magical Database which in turn caused Shrub to get teh bann3d. YOU ASS!

Mister Bushice · Post by **Mister Bushice** » Mon Mar 12, 2007 9:52 pm

ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2 wrote:
Sometimes... if you add or subtract a letter from a word it can take on a hole knew meaning. Ya folla?

Rootbeer wrote: Yeppers. I am a Mormon.

So true.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 4:47 am

look, church SUCKED, ok, jeez

Mikey · Post by **Mikey** » Wed Mar 14, 2007 2:41 pm

It must have sucked BAD for you to take two days to come to terms with it.

PSUFAN · Post by **PSUFAN** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 3:24 am

Days? Try years.

It's a bitter lesson to learn - that those who pose as your authority figures are as dishonest as those they tend to castigate.

Nonetheless, it's a useful thing to come to terms with early on in life...

Rootbeer · Post by **Rootbeer** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 1:13 am

PSUFAN wrote: It's a bitter lesson to learn - that those who pose as your authority figures are as dishonest as those they tend to castigate.

If our final judgment was determined by flawed mortals then I'd agree with you. Fortunately that's not the case. You are judged by He who is perfect. It is Him you should aspire to emulate. He is your example. The purpose for clergy is to provide a gateway to the Priesthood, to perform God's will on earth, and to be a good example. If one of them is not being a good example that should not influence your relationship to your God.

Amen and amen.

T1B

How was Church?

How was Church?

Re: How was Church?

Re: How was Church?

Re: How was Church?

Re: How was Church?

Re: How was Church?