The Bang Line

[OCmike]

Monday and Tuesday of this week I had to attend a company "Refresher Training" course with several co-workers. One of them was a high-ranking black guy who showed up wearing baggy jeans hanging off his ass, a t-shirt saying "Yo girl shake that thang! Show me what you workin' wit!" on the back and had three fat, busty black chicks on the front dressed in lingerie, and had his hair combed like Al Sharpton's (normally he has cornrows), except it was caked with that pomade/grease crap and slicked straight back.

Midway through the first day, we were taking the first aid exam while the instructor was out of the room. He's obviously struggling with the questions, even though they're all "common sense"-type stuff, and starts asking people for answers.

Him: Who's got #14? "If you see a person on the road who is slumped over the steering wheel with their scalp torn back and the windshield broken out from the inside, you should..." "A: Assume that the torn scalp is the worst injury and give first aid, or B: Assume that the person has a spinal injury and call for emergency assistance." It's "A", right?
Me:
I turn around and face him.
Me: Hey, dude?
Him: Yeah?
Me: If you ever drive up on me in a car on the side of the road and I've got a torn scalp and the windshield is broken out from the inside, just drive off and let someone else find me.
Everyone: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Him:...grumblemotherfuckergrumble...

The teacher comes back and we go over the answers to the test. She then announces that we can take a ten minute break. About eight of us, including me and the black guy, stay in the room to bullshit.

Wigger1: So, what club do you go to to pick up chicks around here?
Blackguy: I don't go to the club. I ain't fuckin' with no club bitches! All they want is money and shit. Fuck that. I call this thing called "The Bang Line". You give them your credit card and for twenty bucks they give you the phone number of some bitch that's a sure thing.
Wigger1: Cool!

Bwahahahaha...those are called "crack whores", you stupid fuck. "The Bang Line"?! Are you freaking kidding me?

Blackguy: But I got me something else on the side.
Wigger2: What's that?
Blackguy: Yeah, man. I've got this hot 16-year-old bitch that I've been fuckin'. That body is so tight...mmmMMM.
Everyone:
Blackguy: No, I'm bein' straight. I've been workin' on her sister too.
Everyone:
Wigger1: Bullshit.
Blackguy: What...it ain't nothin' but a thing, man, but you gots to have skillz. It's just like cookin' and workin' two pans on the stove at the same time.
Everyone:

This fucking idiot thought that the only reason anyone was shocked was because he was trying to do both sisters at the same time. He didn't even get that everyone was looking at him like that because they couldn't believe that a 30 y/o guy would be stupid enough to admit to a room full of about twenty co-workers that he was having sex with a minor.

Unbelievable.

[PSUFAN]

Did he jump up and teach you all about gun safety and get shot?

mmm-MMM-mmm

[Mikey]

Right about now I'm starting to wonder where the fuck OCMike works.

Based on who's "high ranking" I'm thinking something like Afro Sheen or something.

[Rack Fu]

[OCmike]

When the OL and I moved to TX, I didn't have an IT job lined up, so I just took the first thing that I could find. Unfortunately, it ended up being a job as an engineer for a liftboat company that works on oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico off of Louisiana. It'd be some serious culture shock to someone who is unfamiliar with boats, but after being in the Navy for six years, this job is a piece of cake. I spend about 3/4's of the "work day" watching tv. RACK DirectTV 50 miles off the coast of LA.

Hardly what I'd recommend to anyone, since my current schedule is two weeks on/two weeks off, but it's paying the bills until I find a nerdy desk job again.

I can already hear the OCatomicpunk barbs coming my way.

Anyway, the black guy that I was in training with was just recently promoted to Captain of one of the company's boats. If anything, he's the one guy in the room that should know that stuff forwards and backwards and he was asking deckhands (lowest on the totem pole) for test answers. Unbelievable.

What made matters worse was that on the second day, we were supposed to read a section on Benzene and another on Blood Borne Pathogens and then take the test at the end of the section. The instructor left the room. About two minutes later, the black dude says, "Man, fuck this!", jumps up, heads to the front of the classroom and starts reading off the answers to the first section.

Him: Okay, ya'll ready? One is "d", two is "c", etc.

He goes and sits back down. One of his wig.ger homies says, "What about the second section, dude?" The moolie hops back up, says, "I ain't fuckin' around this time," locks the front and rear doors to the classroom to keep the instructor out and reads off the answers to the Blood Borne Pathogens section.



And he's a captain?! Unbelievable.

[OCmike]

BWAHAHAHAHAA

That's about what he looked like at the end of the first day. You could tell by how stringy his hair was that he had used some $2.99 afro relaxer from Wal-Mart to straighten his doo out and it had dried the shit out of his hair. By about 4PM it was getting all frizzed out at the bottom as it started to overcome the grease that he put on with a spatula that morning.

[Mikey]

You moved from Paradise to Texas and took a job on a fucking boat servicing fucking oil rigs?

I'm sorry dude, but with a move like that you deserve whatever fucked up shit you get. Sayin'.

[Mister Bushice]

W
What made matters worse was that on the second day, we were supposed to read a section on Benzene and another on Blood Borne Pathogens and then take the test at the end of the section. The instructor left the room. About two minutes later, the black dude says, "Man, fuck this!", jumps up, heads to the front of the classroom and starts reading off the answers to the first section.

Him: Okay, ya'll ready? One is "d", two is "c", etc.

He goes and sits back down. One of his wig.ger homies says, "What about the second section, dude?" The moolie hops back up, says, "I ain't fuckin' around this time," locks the front and rear doors to the classroom to keep the instructor out and reads off the answers to the Blood Borne Pathogens section.



And he's a captain?! Unbelievable.

So the brother taught you how to get out your seat and jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump up, jump up, and get down?

Did you pass?

[OCmike]

You moved from Paradise to Texas and took a job on a fucking boat servicing fucking oil rigs?

I'm sorry dude, but with a move like that you deserve whatever fucked up shit you get. Sayin'.

SoCal is hardly paradise anymore. Gas costs >$3.00 gallon, there's great food everywhere but you have to wait at least an hour to get a table unless you eat at 3PM, if you have to go to LA during the weekday morning rush you have to leave at 5AM because traffic starts getting heavy at freaking 6AM, they were putting up massive amounts of condos in my area(bringing in thousands of new people to an already congested area), there was frequent crime and grafitti due to illegals and latin gangs, teachers speaking at a second grade level to high-schoolers because the 5 illegals in the classroom don't understand word-fucking-one of english, it takes at least 45 minutes to go practically anywhere, as there's traffic even at 3-fucking-AM, FastTrak tolls on the 91 freeway were killing me (about $10/day), but were necessary unless I wanted a 3 hour commute, ETC, ETC, ETC. SoCal burned me out, dude. Loved the weather, the emu and the food, but that's about it.

I'm a NoCal guy, but right now the market there for houses is even worse than in LA (declining) and the commutes are almost as bad. Eventually we'll move back to the Sacramento area of CA when we get a little older, but right now we want a higher quality of life than SoCal can give us. My mortgage payment is $3,000 less here, there's only traffic during peak rush hour times, fewer problems with illegals(shockingly)...it's just a nicer place to live for us when you take all factors into account, once you get used to the midwest weather.

[Mr T]

you gots to have skillz. It's just like cookin' and workin' two pans on the stove at the same time.

I know what he is talking about.

Calling Phone Sex lines while fucking a 16 year old and her sister is like
Cooking while workin' two pans on the stove at the same time

[Tom In VA]

The Bang Line didn't sound like a phone sex operation. It sounded more like a mating service.

I think his cooking reference is appropo because if he gets caught, he's liable to get burned.

[Terry in Crapchester]

it's just a nicer place to live for us when you take all factors into account, once you get used to the midwest weather.

Depending on your perspective and where in Texas you are, Texas is ether the South or the Southwest. Definitely not the midwest.

[OCmike]

OCMike, are you out of Lake Charles or Port Fourchon? And when the hell are we going fishing?

Only gone out of Port Fourchon once. Normally we operate out of Cameron. Nice place, Cameron. Probably half of the buildings with aluminum siding are still shredded from Katrina, and about half of the properties that you drive past are nothing but a foundation. Not to state the obvious, but that storm was fucking BRUTAL. The metal siding on those buildings looked like one of those American flags that's been whipping in the wind too long. Amazing...

JSC, I'd love to go fishing sometime, but it'd be difficult with my schedule. I'm already driving about 5 1/2-6 hours from the Austin area to Lafeyette twice (there and back) every two weeks and spend my off time going on interviews and hanging out with the family. My goal has been to try to find an IT job near home so I won't be on the boat this summer. 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity on the Gulf in June, July and August?! Uh...no thanks, I'll pass.

[Goober McTuber]

My mortgage payment is $3,000 less here

You mean per year, right?

[OCmike]

No, we were paying close to $4,000/month in SoCal and our mortgage here is about $1,000/month. Of course, we're in a smaller town about ten miles outside of Austin, not in the city itself, where prices are much higher due to it being a technology hub and having UT there.

Rand McTerry, you're right, I should have said "Southwest".

[ChargerMike]

"I spend about 3/4's of the "work day" watching tv. RACK DirectTV 50 miles off the coast of LA."


...so what you're saying is, we can expect the "hump day" festivities to start back up momentarily :D

[ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2]

No, we were paying close to $4,000/month in SoCal and our mortgage here is about $1,000/month.

3K/month is a lot of house to lose. Either you're living in a shack now, or you really put a lot down on your new pad. I hope it's the latter.

[Goober McTuber]

Shit, I pay a little over $800 a month for a 1400 sq. ft. ranch with a finished basement (ceiling drywall was NOT glued), but no square-headed deck screws. And I live in a city that is consistently rated as one of the best places to live in the USA. Plus we have some of the finest microbreweries in the country and the finest cheesemakers in the world, all within spitting distance. RACK me all to hell.

[OCmike]

No, we were paying close to $4,000/month in SoCal and our mortgage here is about $1,000/month.

3K/month is a lot of house to lose. Either you're living in a shack now, or you really put a lot down on your new pad. I hope it's the latter.

Apparently you're not familiar with the CA housing market. In many areas, you can pay as much as $700K-$800K for something as small as 1200 sq feet, which was built in 1940. Ugh.

Actually, we totally scored with this current crib. The people who owned it previously bought it for their daughter while she was going to college and place a huge amount down when they bought it. They don't want to make a dime on it, as they have plenty of money, they were just looking for a nice, stable family to take over the payments so they wouldn't have to pay it anymore. They told their friend, who happened to be a real estate agent we were working with, and he put the two of us together. War hook-ups. Oh, and it's 2000 sq feet, which is actually bigger than the crib we had in CA.

We just need to schedule a fishing trip the day you get off so you won't have to make an extra trip, and so when you return home you'll be bringing an ice chest full of filets of snapper, lemonfish, redfish, grouper, etc.

Sounds good to me!

[ucantdoitdoggieSTyle2]

Apparently you're not familiar with the CA housing market. In many areas, you can pay as much as $700K-$800K for something as small as 1200 sq feet, which was built in 1940. Ugh.

700K = 1,200 SF? Wow

I really thought I took it in the pants when I relocated to the North Shore from Connecticut.
Now... not so much. In CT, I had a 20 y.o 2,200 square feet Colonial with a 2 car garage, padio, porch, full basement, and 1.2 acres...

for about the same price just outside of Boston I got

1,500 SF, .4 acres, a basement that is about 6 feet high (I am 6' 2") and a shitty driveway. To top it off, if I need to borrow a cup of sugar from the neighbor, I can lean out my window and have him hand it to me.

:cry:

[Mississippi Neck]

No, we were paying close to $4,000/month in SoCal and our mortgage here is about $1,000/month. Of course, we're in a smaller town about ten miles outside of Austin, not in the city itself, where prices are much higher due to it being a technology hub and having UT there.

Rand McTerry, you're right, I should have said "Southwest".

Hopefully you're on the west or southern side of the market, hill country and all.

[OCmike]

Southern side.

[Mississippi Neck]

Did they ever do that Cabela's in Buda? That screwed up a big development deal I was working on near there...made everyone go nuts with their asking prices.

[OCmike]

Yeah and it's pretty much Neck heaven. They've got an arena-sized parking lot which only gets full around Christmas. Normally it's about 10% full, if that.

There's about a 50 foot wide display near the center of the store with a running stream through it. The entire thing is covered with stuffed deer, racoons, owls, otters, gnus, etc. Like I said...neck heaven.

[Rooster]

There is nothing positive I can say about Looooosiana south of I-10. This country'd have been better off if Katrina had just stagnated for two weeks off the coast and finished that cesspool of a state off once and for all. I used to fly for PHI out of Morgan City (ugh), Foreskin (double ugh), and Venice (retch) --all of which are prime offshore embarking/debarking locations. I even had a short stint as an EMS pilot doubling as a traffic reporter out of Lafayette chatting up Deborah Terrible (yeah, that was her actual name, freaking coonasses) about the horrible congestion of Kaliste Saloom and Pinhook.

I used to run into these same boat captains all the time. These guys were deck hands who more or less managed to outlast all the other hired help and got promoted to Captain Stubbing to the Thibideauxs and Boudreauxs out there. Worthless pieces of shit.

Thankfully, I snagged a job out in NoCal flying for a hospital and never looked back. Although Austin has a terrific air ambulance service out there (one of the premier outfits in the country), unless I lived somewhere out in the sticks of the New Braunfells area I wouldn't want to live in Texas either.

[marinerfan]

rack this deadbeat wage-ape

"I didn't have an IT job lined up,"

"I just took the first thing that I could find"

"after being in the Navy for six years, this job is a piece of cake."

" I spend about 3/4's of the "work day" watching tv. "

I wonder if he is available to counsel kids on "career" choices. be proud, trash.

[OCmike]

...freaking coonasses...

Took me awhile to figure out what "coonass" referred to. First time I heard one of them use that term in front of a black person I about shit myself. There's a guy who works for the company that has a tattoo on the back of his neck of a raccoon's asshole dripping blood. Unbelievable...

Also, a lot of people there are simply confused as to what they want to be. On my last hitch, one of the white workers had a neck tattoo like a mexican, two gold front teeth and a doo rag like a black guy and wore surfer shirts and other clothes that whites usually wear. What a mess...

Thankfully, I snagged a job out in NoCal flying for a hospital and never looked back. Although Austin has a terrific air ambulance service out there (one of the premier outfits in the country), unless I lived somewhere out in the sticks of the New Braunfells area I wouldn't want to live in Texas either.

I'm about 10 minutes from New Braunfels and also wouldn't live anywhere else in Texas.

rack this deadbeat wage-ape

Rack me for completing my daily work in an hour and a half and have the rest of the day to bullshit with co-workers, play XBox 360 or veg in front of the tv. Don't hate, brotha.

I wonder if he is available to counsel kids on "career" choices. be proud, trash.

Right, because someone who was attending college to be a screenwriter and had little computer experience, yet went on to become the company's most-knowledgeable Visual Basic programmer and data analyst in less than five years (all completely self-taught through books and hard work) is someone you definitely don't want to emulate. Okay.

Don't be jealous that I'm so highly-skilled in every occupation that I've had that I can move across the country and score a gig without even trying.

[marinerfan]

Hardly what I'd recommend to anyone, since my current schedule is two weeks on/two weeks off, but it's paying the bills until I find a nerdy desk job again

YOUR words, not mine, DUMBASS.

[OCmike]

Hardly what I'd recommend to anyone, since my current schedule is two weeks on/two weeks off, but it's paying the bills until I find a nerdy desk job again

YOUR words, not mine, DUMBASS.

It's just killing you that I'm playing Madden 2007 all day at work while you're drilling holes in a circuit board assembly line, isn't it.

BTW, since you seem to be a fan, I've got an interview tomorrow for an IT job that's a sure thing. AND, I'll be making more money than I was in CA, so with my TX mortgage payment, I'll have an extra $2000 or so in discretionary income per month.

This is the shooter's tour! - OC McGavin

[PSUFAN]

I vote for a OCMike/R-Jake smackoff...might be good for several dozen chuckles

[marinerfan]

I'll have an extra $2000 or so in discretionary income per month

hmmm- let's see.


currently playing video games all day for $6/hr x 40 hrs/wk = $240

($240 x 4) + $2000 more per month = $2960


$2960 x 12 months/yr = $35520



CONGRATULATIONS, JACKOFF!! You are now making almost as much as the Red Lobster waitresses were making in Hicksville, Kansas in the early 1990s!!! YOU GO BOY!!!

CLAP CLAP CLAP FOR OCMIKE!!!!

[Dinsdale]

Shit, I pay a little over $800 a month for a 1400 sq. ft. ranch with a finished basement

No, you don't.

That's what you don't didn't seem to get...no permit = unfinished basement with some drywall hung in it. Not "finished basement."

Don't believe me? Just talk to your county records department and ask them...they'll set you straight.


Believe it or not, a homeowner doesn't get to arbitrarily decide how many SF of living space his house has...I know, it's hard to believe. But really, the county keeps track of that stuff. So, go ahead and ask THEM about the status of your basement.

This is review, but...any unpermitted basement finish jobs, or anything else that adds SF of living space is fucking retarded. Just fucking stupid. That's why the one I was just working with someone on was fully permitted and inspected...since it's FUCKING STUPID not to.


In my line of work(or one of them) we have a name for homeowners who do unpermitted finish jobs...we call them "BWAHAHAHAHAHA! What a fucking retard! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" And then, we often charge them an arm and a leg to fix the stupidity of their actions....because they were FUCKING STUPID.



All good, Goobs...I KNOW you were just trolling about the beer and the cheese, though.

[OCmike]

I'll have an extra $2000 or so in discretionary income per month

hmmm- let's see.


currently playing video games all day for $6/hr x 40 hrs/wk = $240

($240 x 4) + $2000 more per month = $2960


$2960 x 12 months/yr = $35520



CONGRATULATIONS, JACKOFF!! You are now making almost as much as the Red Lobster waitresses were making in Hicksville, Kansas in the early 1990s!!! YOU GO BOY!!!

CLAP CLAP CLAP FOR OCMIKE!!!!

$35,520? Don't know of many high-skilled IT jobs that pay that low. Double that and you'd be closer to the ballpark.

Thanks for playing.

[Raydah James]

RACK Mike going yard twice by throwing down a funny story and getting Marinerslit to melt in the same thread.


Excellent work.

[marinerfan]

[spoil]tomorrow for an IT job that's a sure thing.[/spoil]


I will be back tomorrow to hear about this "sure thing" of yours. the only "sure thing" I see right now, is Faydah James giving you a sweet little rim job.

[Rootbeer]

I don't remember marinerfan sucking this badly back in the day. Has this nickname been hijacked or did marinerfan fall off a building and land on his soft spot?

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