e wrote:three responses to one post in the same minute.
that's how much i rule.
No, just more a point of the amount of free time a certain U&L slacker seems to have quibbling all things...... err... ALL THINGS
If they has Jayhawk Toilet Paper - I'd buy it.
I'd throw rocks at Danny Manning's grandmother.
I won't watch any show with Joey Lawernce, Vicky Lawrence or Lawrence Welk
I close my eyes when driving through Kansas
I hate wheat.
When I watched the "The Day After" I rooted for the atomic bomb
How do you get a KU grad off your porch - take the dog's dish inside
You can't spell Suck without KU - And KU grads can't spell suck
Roy Williams won a championship right after leaving KU
Irie Naismith only invented basketball cause he like seeing all those fine KU lads in shorts.
He also invented it cus they couldn't play fucking football.
Topeka is indian for "Piss on my Toothbrush"
Paul will probably copy this and try and pass it as his own.
Here's the headline courtesy of the KU school of journalism:
Ever wonder why we call 'em Gayhawks?
KU Jokes I copied:
Jayhawker was walking in the woods when he came upon a river. As fortune would have it, there was a fellow on the other bank wearing a KU hat. The first Jayhawker yelled out "Hey there, can you tell me how you get to the other side of this river?" The gent in the KU hat replies, "You dumbass, you're already on the other side of the river!"
Q: How do you keep a Jayhawk out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post!
Q: Did you hear about the big power outage at the KU student union?
A: Forty Jayhawks were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Q: What are the best 4 years of a KU student's life?
A: The 3rd Grade.
Q: What do you get if you breed a groundhog with a KU football player?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Q: What do you get if you drive by the KU campus real slow?
A: A degree.
Q: Did you hear they've decided to cover the Allen Field House court in cardboard next season?
A: People at KU have decided that their team always looks better on paper.
Q: How do you get a KU graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do KU students hang their diplomas from their rearview mirrors?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q: Why doesn't KU have ice on the sidelines?
A: The guy with the recipe graduated.
Q: How many KU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore class.
Q: What do you call a person from KU in a three piece suit?
A: The defendant.
Q: What's the difference between a litter of puppies and KU fans?
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
Q: What does the average KU player get on his SAT's?
A: Drool.
Coach Mangino is only dressing 10 players for the Jayhawks game against MU. The rest of the team will get dressed by themselves.
KU has decided to change it's football mascot to the opossum since they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: What happens when a KU grad takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Q: Why don't KU grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
Q: Why was KU late for so many games last year?
A: Every time they passed a sign that said "Clean Restrooms", they did.
Q: Why did they have to cancel the Christmas play at KU last year?
A: They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
Q: What is the difference between a KU cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells, the other is a fish.
Q: Did you hear that KU has found a new use for sheep?
A: Wool.
Q: What do KU cheerleaders and tornadoes have in common?
A: Both end up in trailer parks.
Q: What's the difference between a KU bar and a circus?
A: The clowns don't talk at the circus.
Q: How do you keep a KU girl from biting her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.
Q: Did you hear about the KU athlete that won a Gold Medal in the Olympics?
A: He was so happy, he had it bronzed.
Q: What's the most useless thing in a KU fan's house?
A: The KU fan.
Q: How do you run a small business?
A: Start with a large business and put a KU grad in charge.
Q: How do you break a KU grad's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Kansas?
A: They don't want to wear out the mule.
Q: How many KU students does it take to eat a rabbit?
A: Three. One to eat and the other two to watch for cars.
Q: What's the difference between a KU cheerleader and a heifer?
A: About 30 pounds.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke bottles in Kansas?
A: Open other end.
Q: What do you call a KU fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Hod do the brain cells of a KU fan die?
A: Alone.
The Student
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Kansas Jayhawk. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Jayhawks too. Not really knowing what a Jayhawk is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Jayhawk." "Then," asks the teacher, "What are you?" "Why I'm a Missouri Tiger," boasts the little girl. The teacher is perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel. "Well, my mom and dad are Tigers, so I'm a Tiger too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a Jayhawk."
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jayhawks?"
The Drive
There's a guy from Mizzou driving from Columbia to Lawrence, and a guy from KU driving from Lawrence to Columbia. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the road, they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Tiger manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Jayhawk scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Jayhawk walks over to the Tiger and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The Tiger thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the Tiger pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Jayhawk, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Jayhawk says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Jayhawk hands it back to the Tiger and says, "Your turn!". The Tiger twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
The Flight
A Missouri alum gets on a turboprop headed for Wichita. As he sits down he introduces himself to the guy across the aisle from him and learns he is a kansas alum. He kicks off his shoes and announces he's getting a coke and offers to get one for the kansas alum and the ku fan accepts. When he leaves to get the coke, the ku alum leans over and spits in his left shoe. When he returns, he discovers a second ku alum has joined the first and repeats his offer. When the second accepts and the MU alum goes to get him a coke, the second ku alum leans over and spits in his right shoe. Upon landing, the Missouri alum slips his feet back into his shoes. He immediately realizes what has happened as the two kansas alums are laughing out loud. The Missouri alum sighs and says, "when are we going to get over this insane hatred of each other? The spitting in shoes... the pissing in cokes..."
Dear Abby
Dear Abby,
I am a sailor in the United States Coast Guard. My parents live in a suburb of Houston and one of my sisters, who lives in Beaumont, is married to a transvestite. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Matamoras. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Brownsville and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. My question is - Should I tell her about my cousin who graduated from KU?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
The Mountain
A NU, OU, KU and MIZZOU fan were climbing a mountain one day. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of their football team. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally they reached the top. The NU fan shouted, "This is for the Huskers!" and hurled himself off the mountain, shouting as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the OU fan threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "Boomer Sooners!" Seeing this, the MIZZOU fan walked over and exclaimed, "This is for everyone!"... and pushed the KU fan off the of the mountain.
Claudia Schiffer
A Tiger fan, and Jayhawk fan and Claudia Schiffer were riding in a train in the same compartment. As the train entered a tunnel, all became dark. There was a loud kissing sound followed by a *SMACK*!!! As they came out of the tunnel, the Tiger and Claudia sat next to each other looking across to the Jayhawk holding his cheek. The Jayhawk thought...that darn Tiger kissed Claudia and she must have thought I did it and slapped me. Claudia thought, the Jayhawk must have tried to kiss me, and missed and kissed the Tiger instead and got smacked. Meanwhile the Tiger was thinking, this is great, the next time we go through a tunnel, I'm going to make a kissing sound again and smack that Jayhawk!
What does your dad do?
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was
really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football for the Kansas Jayhawks and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Not a Joke, but that makes it even funnier...
Thursday, November 18, 1999 -- Jayhawks player suspended over chalupa
Associated Press
LAWRENCE, Kan. -- A 270-pound University of Kansas football player got stuck in the drive-thru window of a Taco Bell when he tried to charge employees who left the chalupa out of his order, authorities said.
Dion Rayford, a 6-foot-3 senior defensive end, was suspended for the game Saturday against Iowa State, the last game of his college career. He was released on his own recognizance after appearing in court Wednesday on charges of disorderly conduct, having an open container of alcohol and misdemeanor damage to property.
An innocent plea was entered for Rayford, who had started all 11 games this season.
Rayford, 24, allegedly became angry about 2 a.m. Wednesday when he didn't get the chalupa. He tried to climb through the 14-by-46-inch drive-thru window, said Lawrence police Sgt. George Wheeler.
"When you take a big guy and put him through a small space, something's got to give," Wheeler said.
The night manager, Tiffany Holly, and three other employees locked themselves into an office, said restaurant manager Tito Lopez.
None of the employees was injured.
"I'm disappointed for the young man, and frustrated as a coach to be put in the position to suspend someone from the final game of their career," said Kansas coach Terry Allen. "But we can't tolerate that type of behavior in our program."
Fuck KU
