Aiiiiiight, Mace, Let's Do This!

[Truman]

Mace:

I understand you to be a year-or-five older than me, and with the advent of senility soon visited upon us, I post this with the sincerest of congeniality. I could imagine you wandering south of the Border one warm, summer weekend in search of the major league game played by DH roolz, when of course, any-damn-fool knows that real Professional Baseball is played only in a city to your north.

But should this event ever occur, you need only know that you’d never have to reach for your wallet for a beer in this town. ‘Course, Scotty will have most likely already boosted your billfold and rifled its contents for personal information, but I digress….

So we’re 7-5 all-time vs Iowa, and you Losers have been ducking us for goin’ on 100 years ever since Mizzou laid that epic 5-0 beat-down on your slappies in Columbia back in 1910. Since neither one of us will most likely be around a hundred years from now when our teams get around to doing all this shit again, I have a few questions:

‘the fuck’s a Hawkeye? And why does your team a wear a knock-off K-State logo on the side of their hats? And was Iowa really only five plays away from qualifying for the World Cup?

And why is it that your state is always half-way underwater come spring? Don’t you silly sheepfuckers have sense enough to build levees? You’re just like New Orleans without the TV coverage or anybody noticing….

Do they show Iowa games on one of the four TV channels your dish picks up, or do you have to drive to Missouri to find a hill tall enough to pick ‘em up on the radio?

And who knew that Amish-built wood pellet-fired refrigerators would ever catch on?

John Deere or Gleaner? Case or New Holland?

Is JON really a carry-out down at the Hy-Vee?

Your state smells like hawgs.

[Mace]

Mace:

I understand you to be a year-or-five older than me, and with the advent of senility soon visited upon us, I post this with the sincerest of congeniality. I could imagine you wandering south of the Border one warm, summer weekend in search of the major league game played by DH roolz, when of course, any-damn-fool knows that real Professional Baseball is played only in a city to your north.

But should this event ever occur, you need only know that you’d never have to reach for your wallet for a beer in this town. ‘Course, Scotty will have most likely already boosted your billfold and rifled its contents for personal information, but I digress….

I shall look forward to the time that I make the trip to KC to watch the American League version of minor league baseball that I can see in Des Moines. I'll take you up on that at some point, but you'll have to promise me that I won't have to take off my shirt for Scott. :)

And now to some of your questions:

‘the fuck’s a Hawkeye?

The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper. There you will find your answer.

And why does your team a wear a knock-off K-State logo on the side of their hats?

I suspect that you already know the answer to this one. Bill Snyder stole it from Iowa when he went to K-State.

And was Iowa really only five plays away from qualifying for the World Cup?

No. JON is only 5 blowjobs away from choking on a mouth full of semen....when his World Cup will runneth over.

And why is it that your state is always half-way underwater come spring? Don’t you silly sheepfuckers have sense enough to build levees? You’re just like New Orleans without the TV coverage or anybody noticing….

That's a good question. Not a problem in my part of the state.

Do they show Iowa games on one of the four TV channels your dish picks up, or do you have to drive to Missouri to find a hill tall enough to pick ‘em up on the radio?

We got 'lectricity, indoor plumbin', runnin' water, and cable TV now days. Who woulda thunk it. I haven't had to drive out to the top of a hill since the Thrilla in Manila fight. Didn't know you had radio in Missouri.

John Deere or Gleaner? Case or New Holland?

Case-IH. I don't like paying for that high priced green paint.

Is JON really a carry-out down at the Hy-Vee?

No, he got fired. He's scrubbing restrooms at Casey's now but he's going to get fired if he doesn't stop coming to work dressed like Bret Maverick.

Your state smells like hawgs.

My grandpa used to tell me that hog shit smelled like money, but it's going to smell like stale beer on December 29 after we're done celebrating a win over the Mizzou Tigers....assuming we don't have to forfeit due to all of the players being in jail.

[War Wagon]

But should this event ever occur, you need only know that you’d never have to reach for your wallet for a beer in this town.

I can vouch for that.

Pity the weather didn't cooperate for that game in Lamoni last year, else we might've torn the the bar at Terribles casino in Osceola down that night... all on your dime, of course.

[Dinsdale]

The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper. There you will find your answer.

So, we're to assume that Iowa sucks so badly, that by naming yourselves Hawkeyes in reference to The Last Of The Mohicans, that you think that if you wish reallyreally hard, you'll wake up in Connecticut?

1757 called -- they want to know where the fuck this "Iowa" place is.

[Bizzarofelice]

I thought james fenimore cooper was more of an upstate new york hero. nattybumpo out front shoulda told you.

[Mace]

The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper. There you will find your answer.

So, we're to assume that Iowa sucks so badly, that by naming yourselves Hawkeyes in reference to The Last Of The Mohicans, that you think that if you wish reallyreally hard, you'll wake up in Connecticut?

1757 called -- they want to know where the fuck this "Iowa" place is.

What were we to do? Donald Duck was already taken.