Here it comes, the day Michigan people have dreaded, but never believed would arrive.
Here it comes, the day Michigan State people have dreamed of, but never believed would arrive.
After years of squawking, the Spartans no longer can be snootily dismissed like the noisy neighbor with the frayed clothesline and broken bottles in the yard. Yes, I'm here to announce a momentous shift in one of the great rivalries in the state of Michigan, something the Wolverines can't ignore, and probably can't admit:
This Michigan State-Michigan game Saturday matters to Michigan more than it ever has — even more than Ohio State.
(Somewhere in East Lansing, someone just blurted, "You're *&%$#* right! Woooooooo!")
(Somewhere in Ann Arbor, someone just gasped, spilled a triple mocha latte on a cranberry-walnut scone and mumbled a prayer for Bo.)
Hey, this is what happens when the kid (code for "little brother") grows up and embarrasses you three years in a row. I know, I know. The last three years don't count because some guy from West Virginia came in and replaced all Michigan's burly players with itsy-bitsy ones. With so many games getting vacated around college football these days, Michigan is the only school to voluntarily vacate the past three seasons.
This ticks off the Spartans, rightly so, because they're determined to prove things are different. For instance, they hammered the Wolverines, 34-17, last season and won a share of the Big Ten title. They're trying to supplant the Buckeyes in many ways, although spelling out script M-i-c-h-i-g-a-n-S-t-a-t-e might be cumbersome. Michigan State is 4-1 under Mark "Just Mark" Dantonio and favored over a 6-0 Michigan team that for some reason is squatting in the nation's top 10.
Brady "Bo" Hoke has rejuvenated the Wolverines, and by "rejuvenated," I mean "fielded a defense." Oh, Michigan isn't as great as its record, but in this rivalry, that hardly matters. Hoke is taking it very, very seriously, about as seriously as he takes fabled Ohio State.
He has no choice. The Wolverines and Spartans were tossed into the same Big Ten division, like two cats in a burlap sack. The winner will lead the Legends — or be a legend in the Leaders division, I forget — and have the inside edge for the inaugural Big Ten championship game.
Meanwhile, the Buckeyes are staggering along at 3-3, spending their time furiously laser-removing tattoos. They're so desperate in Columbus, they're using the old rivalry trick and turning off the hot water at the NCAA investigators' team hotel.
So, while Michigan has lost seven straight to Ohio State, that's not as relevant right now as three consecutive losses to Michigan State. As I've noted way too many times, Hoke refers to Ohio State as "Ohio." It's confusing to do that with Michigan State, but he has done the next best thing.
This is how you know the Spartans have arrived: The Wolverines actually, honestly, are sort of obsessed about winning this game. They have a countdown clock in the football building, similar to their Ohio countdown clock. I heard Hoke even stopped eating anything green, not that he's a leafy vegetable kind of guy.
At least the two rivals understand each other now. Michigan State's own countdown clock will stop at .0001 this week to mark the 10th anniversary of the famous Spartan Bob game. That was the classic won by the Spartans, 26-24, when they managed to squeeze in seven plays during the final eight seconds. It's now commemorated by a bronze statue outside the stadium depicting a clock operator with a finger on the button.
It doesn't matter whether the Spartans got an extra second or not. It only matters that, to this day, it still violently angers both sides.
It's silly to keep revisiting controversy and regurgitating tired stereotypes, so it's a good thing I don't do that! I mean, this is such a big game, Michigan State students rested up by cutting down on all beer-pong-related activities. Michigan students responded by pledging to avoid strenuous Quidditch competition. (See what I did there? Spartans are happy, drunken partiers and Wolverines are annoying little nerds. The rivalry lives!)
The Spartans have been in proud possession of the Paul Bunyan Trophy for three years, which means there's a decent chance it's sitting on a frat-house mantel with a pair of underpants around its neck. It's up to the Wolverines to keep up with their siblings now, and they're trying.
Denard "Shoelace" Robinson is still running all over the place, and he'll be chased by Michigan State's top-ranked defense. Kirk "Straightlace" Cousins is in his 11th year as the Spartans quarterback, and actually might be touched by a defender this time.
The Spartans are so eager to beat the Wolverines four straight for the first time since '62 — not 1862 — they'll wear special Nike Combat uniforms (Go Green! Go Bronze!). They also just had two straight byes, although one, technically, was against the Buckeyes.
I've watched many of these clashes over the years. Heck, I've been around long enough to remember when the Spartans had the better basketball team. Things don't change quickly in this rivalry, but believe it or not, they do change.
Pick: Michigan State 27-20