3002 T1B
Antiques Roadshow
Ted Baxter IV here, your host and emcee welcoming you to this edition of Antiques Roadshow. It is January 12, 3002 and we are here in West Covina, California this afternoon with a warehouse full of exciting T1B antiques brought to us from closets and garages from all over the country. Our experienced appraisers have examined these items over the past week, and have picked out a few samples to pique your interest:Antiques Roadshow
Lot 1, Item 5
Vapid Douche circa 2035
In Red and White, Model A-23
This is a Vapid Douche from the 2030s. Fed up with being constantly bitch-slapped at T1B, Moving Sale moved on and started the Vapid Douche Company in 2032. He manufactured and marketed his product worldwide, clawing and scratching his way to the top of the douche world. He became known as Mister Douche. He was worth millions and millions of dollars. He bought a home in the middle of affluent, liberal Beverly Hills, when here then spent every living hour trying to climb their social ladder. Society didn’t seem to want anyone from the douche world infiltrating their parties and events. Shunned by liberal doctors, lawyers, movie directors, actors, and wealthy heirs and heiresses, he fell into a tragic and fatal depression. He holed himself up in his big 10 bedroom home, and was finally found dead from a self administered bullet to the head in the fall of 2039. While the story behind the Vapid Douche is fascinating, the douches themselves are not worth much money. Literally millions of them were produced. We would appraise this Vapid Douche to bring $10 at auction.
Lot 5, Item 6
War Wagon Portrait, circa 2015
Oil on Canvass, 24”x36”
During the early years of the 21st century, War Wagon was well-known. He became famous for posting a lot but never having much to say. Sad to say, he fooled himself into believing he was quite the opposite. He believed he not only had something to say, but that what he had to say was of the utmost importance. He got in the habit of reading his own posts out loud over and over, laughing, and patting himself on the back approvingly. He soon fashioned himself as the “King of Smack,” and in 2015 he commissioned his artistically inclined neighbor, Ed, to paint this well-known portrait of him. It is titled Face of the King. This portrait hung over the fireplace at War Wagon’s home for years. We are told by historians that the resemblance of the real-life War Wagon to this portrait is astonishing. We expect a piece of history like this to bring at least $500 at auction.
Lot 6, Item 17
Operation Pipeline!
600+ lbs of Hard-Hitting Histrionics
This antique file cabinet contains a lifetime of sleuthing work done by Martyred to get a grip on the infamous Operation Pipeline. Started in early 2012, the files and dossiers cover years upon years of betrayal, bloodshed, and subterfuge. Pore over these files, and you simply won’t believe your eyes. Names, places, dates…nothing is left to the imagination. It is a lifetime of painstaking work. This is a one-of-a-kind item. Quite frankly, none of us here at Antiques Roadshow have ever seen anything quite like it. It belongs in a museum, but given that it’s put on the auction block, we would expect its price to go through the ceiling. Don’t be surprised if you’re not bidding against heirs of Operation Pipeline operatives and perpetrators who are bent on covering their ancestors’ tracks, or movie moguls looking to get the rights to the whole amazing Operation Pipeline affair!
Lot 3, Item 32
Porcelain Screw Figurine circa 2029
Signed and Dated under the Scrotum
During the late 2020s Screw Michigan finally lost his mind after years of trying to write an intentionally humorous post. He was locked in an asylum for the insane where he spent the rest of his sad life. He was allowed daily access to the arts and crafts center at the asylum where he worked diligently on his well-known Screw Figurines. Renowned for their lifelike detail and coloring, the figurines became very popular with San Francisco collectors. They were highly prized, and once brought outrageous prices on the open market. These days however, since many of the original collectors have passed away, and since their estates are often liquidated by heterosexual heirs, the figurines are not that hard to come by and their value has dropped significantly. At auction we would expect this Screw Figurine to bring approximately $200.
Lot 8, Item 21
BSmack Diary, circa 1993-2031
500 pages, Etched Parchment Front and Back
Still in excellent condition, this diary was kept by BSmack during most of his adult life, from the first time he discovered Jim Rome on the Internet through tough times and during the years beyond. BSmack always had a strong reputation for his leftward leanings during the time he posted on smack boards, but what is little known is the conversion that took place in his life upon the Great Crash of 2021. Left in the streets with his family, living in a makeshift tee pee with nothing to eat but local mission swill, with nothing to drink but tainted water, with no clothes to wear other than those he had upon his back before the Great Crash, BSmack was one of those millions of people harshly affected by the economy. In the pages of this diary you will see BSmack repent, apologize for his previous defense of the popular entitlements, loose morals, and rampant tax increases that finally brought the United States to its knees. He becomes a vocal member of the GOP underground, speaking at meetings all over the country, rallying other disillusioned left wingers behind him. He developed a close friendship with Derron while traveling through the Northwest, and offered him the diary when he was on his deathbed as a gesture of solidarity. Derron accepted it. It is Derron’s ancestors who find themselves bringing it now to Antiques Roadshow. They are curious to know what the book is worth. It is a fascinating read, all done in BSmack’s original voice and penmanship. Like the Martyred papers, this item belongs in a museum rather than a private collection. But put on the auction block, we would expect this item to go for at least $600 dollars.
Well, time to close this show.
Those are just a few of the items we have here today. You know, they only give us so much time here on PBS, so we have to pick and choose. For a complete catalog listing of all today’s items, please phone 800-867-3825. Yes, that’s 800 867-3825. Call now! Our operators are standing by!
Your friend, Ted IV.
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