It is a warm late September evening and LTS is tapping away at his computer keyboard, arguing with T1B over the cause of the toppling World Trade Center. He suddenly leans back in his chair and dozes off. In a dream, he is beckoned by a beam of light that shines from somewhere over his house and through his dirty bedroom window. There is a loud rumbling sound above, like nothing he has ever heard. Suddenly the beam of light touches his feet, then swallows up his entire body. He is enveloped by the light, and suddenly, as quick as you can read a Goober McToober post, he is gone! Nothing is left where he had been sitting but a half eaten tube of Pringles and a can of Diet Coke. There is a wisp of smoke hovering over his empty chair.
Welcome to Starship A-13-jY
“Where am I?” LTS asks himself. He looks around. It is difficult to see. The room is very dimly lit. There appears to be a closed door on the opposite side of the room. The door slides open. In walks the strangest looking fellow. He is wearing no clothes at all, and hasn’t a hair on his body. He has big black piercing eyes, and a tiny little mouth. “Welcome to Starship A-13-jY,” he says, and he reaches out his little hand for a handshake. “My name is Orf.” LTS shakes the creature’s hand. It is smooth and clammy. It is like shaking hands with a squid. “Who exactly are you?” LTS asks. “What am I doing here?”
We have had our sights set on your planet.
“You are causing us trouble,” Orf says. “We’ve brought you aboard to straighten you out. We cannot afford to have you mucking up our plans by planting your seeds of doubt.” “And what plans are those?” LTS asks. “I’m talking about our plans to bring about WWIII on your planet. Your world needs to be at war. Our plan is to divide and conquer your lowly human race. We have had our sights set on your planet for several decades now. We need your planet. We need the real estate.” LTS scratches his head. “So it was you!” “Yes,” Orf says, “We orchestrated the entire affair. We brought the towers down using our Focused Interstellar Sonic Waves. You were right that the towers fell too perfectly. But you were wrong about the cause. It had nothing to do with any earthly scheme of setting explosions. It had everything to do with FISW.”
Your gullibility quotient is quite high.
“Well, I’ll be doggoned,” LTS says. “I knew it was something like that.” “Yes,” Orf says. “We figured you would understand. Your gullibility quotient is quite high. In fact, you might say it’s off the charts. Now do you see why we’ve brought you up here? You won’t be able to resist. You’ll go back to earth and spill the beans to everyone. You’ll be posting all over T1B about how aliens are planning on taking over the world. You’ll look like an even bigger nut than before. People will write you off completely. No one will believe you. That’s how we need things. That’s the way it has to be. You need to make a complete fool of yourself, even bigger than before.”
I am the purveyor of truth!
“But they will believe me. They must believe me. I am the purveyor of truth! I am the beacon of light, the light of knowledge! Let me out of this place. I need to go home. I need to log into the board and tell everyone about—what was that you said? FIST? FISH? FISW? The world needs to know, and they need to know now!” Orf says, “As you wish,” and LTS is sent back down on a light beam to his bedroom on earth, back with his computer, Pringles, and Diet Coke.
LTS wakes up from his nap, rubbing his rheumy eyes and taking a deep breath. He begins typing like a madman.
“Wake the fuck up!” he screams.
T1B takes notice, and in the near distance is a sigh.
