T1B

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My eyes look like this now. I almost died on the crapper a few minutes ago. I don't know what is going on with my crapper system. 6 months ago I complained to my doc that I get diarrhea too often, that I find myself taking Imodium at least once a week. Doc thought it was one of my medications doing it to me...maybe Zocor, which I take to keep my cholesterol nice and low.

But 2 weeks ago, things started to change. I wasn't going everyday, and when I dropped a log, it was hard, like when I was a kid. Then it got bigger and harder the last few times, until today when I sat on the porcelain and almost died.

I had taken 3 stool softeners last night as I was saying to myself, "Luth old boy, you haven't shit in 2 days and this is probably going to cause you some pain."

I sat there and no action for 20 minutes. Then over the course of the next ten minutes I'm in pain...part in and part out. I'm breathing like a mother giving birth. My wife worked until 1 AM, so she was still sleeping. I'm thinking I'm in trouble. My eyes popped out of my head and hit the wash rack. I've got my right hand gripping the door jamb, and my left pulling back on the cabinet. The pain is intense. I remember my buddy Mafer telling me the time he went through this. Guess he had his wife quickly drive up to the pharmacist and he had some mixture concoction involving prune juice, other ingredients and it was heated up. Guess it produced quick results. But I didn't have the recipe. I needed a solution, like NOW.

I decide to force it with all the fucking strength I have left. I know it will cause even more pain. It took about a full, shitforcing effort for about 60 seconds. It worked. I sat there on the seat like JTR does after polishing his knob. Veins popping out of my temples, my eyeballs. I've got huge indentations in my hands from gripping all the furniture and doors around me. Sweat is poring off my dome. I'm breathing like a fat kid running the last few yards of a one mile race.

I won't tell you the size of that turd and my plunger segment. That isn't the issue. I got off the seat, and laid on the cool floor for fifteen minutes. I was totally spent, mang.

I don't know if it is because I'm getting old...All I know is I DO NOT WANT THIS EVER AGAIN. I'm going up to Fred's in a little bit and I'm going to buy every freaking constipation medication they have. I don't care what it is. I will eat it, smoke it, mainline it, anything to make this stop.

My butt is so stretched out now that if I sky dived nude, I'd whistle like a bottle on the way down. Yep, I almost died on the crapper today.

Thanks for letting me rant. I will pray this never happens to you. Eat more salads, more rabbit food, and by God, drink more water.

Rip City

Magnesium Citrate. $1.49 at your local pharmacy.

Liquid magic. You'll thank me.

I think Filthy has a spoon you can borrow if you need it, Luth

I take it you didn't try crushing a coney from nicks......


I doubled my already impressive waste output that day.


my three year old has defied physics more than a few times if you want to hear about the wonders of nature.

welcome to the club !!

I count a good easy BM as a blessing
these days---
if things really get bad I have MrsO make me up
an Epsom salts cocktail (magnesium sulfate)
and in about an hour it does the job like the
coffee in the Army used to !!

"what a drag it is getting old.."

Listen to Cher's Dark Lady a couple times if that doesnt make you run nothing will.

...and after all that, you still have enough strength and presence of mind to write about it like that?

Man...I want to be you when I grow up. RACK.

insert detective fish from barney miller bathroom complaining

...you're in the first stage Luth. After a few more BM's like that you'll shread all the veins in your rectum, and your new best friend will be this blessed relief...stops the itching and burning like no other

Oh and welcome to the club :wink:

Did you give yourself a courtesy flush?

hope this is not the case for ya, luth but some info:

Top 10 Colon Cancer Symptoms
From Donna Myers,
Your Guide to Colon Cancer.

If you have any of the following symptoms for more than about a week, you should talk to a doctor about getting screened for colorectal cancer:

1. You're pooping more or less often.

Cicero wrote:Did you give yourself a courtesy flush?

from the sound of things, getting that shite to go down the poopater was a whole other thread in itself.

my three year old has held it for a couple days and then dropped what looks like a brown softball with an empty paper towel roll coming out of it.
No way that is flushing without a fight.

my plunger and I have had some serious clashes of the titans because of my little one doing anatomicly impossible things with turds. Amazing how much better of a mood they are in after crapping half their bodyweight

Thats all I need is cancer of the ass. I had my first colonoscopy three years ago. I'll keep it in mind though.

I am going to heed the advice some of you are giving. I'm going to build an extension to my house that will hold every fooking remedy on the market.

Mrs Luth awoke and said, "Did I hear you grunting and moaning downstairs a little while ago?" So I told her the story. She apologized for laughing so hard when I was done. We went over my diet and maybe I changed doing something. Well for one, I stopped eating my normal raisen bran or grape nuts in the morning. Stopped eating fruit too. So I had a bowl of cereal with a banana, and I'm going back to eating more stuff that will keep me free flowing.

To those of you who kindly sent PM's...thanks, mang. My arms, eyes and lungs are so out of whack from this that I'm not touching that pile of river rock that I'm moving.

Literally, I'm just too pooped.

Rip City

"so you almost died taking a shit, so what. that happens to people all the time. have you ever nearly died from doing anything useful like picking your nose or burping or combing your hair?" - KCMcQuitterRibs


Rack the story and the MagCitrate reset from MB, the stuff works belee dat.

Luth,

Call your Doctor and make an appointment ASAP!!

Let him (or her) check out your ASS and Shit!!

Leave this shit up to the professionals because if you mess things up, it will really stink!!

Seriously, Call your Doc!

Jack wrote:Luth,

Leave this shit up to the professionals because if you mess things up, it will really stink!!

Are you flush out of puns now?

Jacktown Smack wrote:

Jack wrote:Luth,

Leave this shit up to the professionals because if you mess things up, it will really stink!!

Are you flush out of puns now?

Nah, I got a few more I can pull out my ASS!

(but Luth can't!)

I'll add you to my prayers, along with Neely and Derron.

Jack wrote:

Jacktown Smack wrote:

Jack wrote:Luth,

Leave this shit up to the professionals because if you mess things up, it will really stink!!

Are you flush out of puns now?

Nah, I got a few more I can pull out my ASS!

(but Luth can't!)

It's pretty tiring, I'm kind of wiped myself.

Jacktown Smack wrote:

Jack wrote:

Jacktown Smack wrote: Are you flush out of puns now?

Nah, I got a few more I can pull out my ASS!

(but Luth can't!)

It's pretty tiring, I'm kind of wiped myself.

We should stop these shitty jokes, we don't want to make any more enemas!!

Jack wrote:

Jacktown Smack wrote:

Jack wrote: Nah, I got a few more I can pull out my ASS!

(but Luth can't!)

It's pretty tiring, I'm kind of wiped myself.

We should stop these shitty jokes, we don't want to make any more enemas!!

Sorry Jack, just throne you a softball there. I'll seat to it that this goes no further. Aw hell, that's #2 already in just one post.

trev wrote:I'll add you to my prayers, along with Neely and Derron.

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray Luther pinches a good loaf tonight.

If I die before I wake,

I pray Luther doesn't have cancer of the ass.

Amen.

Luther wrote:I'm going back to eating more stuff that will keep me free flowing.

Ohhhh.

If that's all you're after, just leave some left-over chicken out on the window sill for a few days before you eat it.

You'll be able to shit through a screen door and not leave any chunks!

trev wrote:I'll add you to my prayers, along with Neely and Derron.

Not that I don't want someone praying for me, but why?

I know what your talking about Luther. It really sucked when I tried to take my last shit and instead I died on the fucking toilet.

Sincerely,

Elvis Presley

Cuda wrote:I think Filthy has a spoon you can borrow if you need it, Luth

A spoon will work in a pinch, but a handy spork gives you the additional ability to use the small serrated area to cut or saw through the offending log before using the spoon area to scoop out the portion of the clinger that will not release itself from your colon.

Luth;
It sounds like your innards are beginning to seize up, and you need to have a specialist check you out, or eat a lot of spaghetti sauce.

Consider yourself to be so very lucky that your ass broke down in the greatest country in the world, and I hope that you don't have to mortgage your home to get the thang fixed.

Best of luck.

you shoulda stocked up on jordanian tap water while you were there. That'll keep ya regular enough.

There are many toilet-related injuries and some toilet-related deaths throughout history and in urban legends.

In young boys, one of the most common causes of genital injury is when the toilet seat falls down while using the toilet [1]. Smaller children run the risk of drowning if they fall headfirst into the toilet. Injuries to adults include bruised buttocks, tail bones, and dislocated hips from unsuspectingly sitting on the toilet bowl rim due to failure to ensure that the toilet seat was down. Other injuries can be caused by the feet slipping or the toilet bowl collapsing under the weight of the occupant. Pinch injuries can also occur due to splits in plastic seats, and to the various parts of a seat in different configurations. Older high flush cast iron cisterns have been known to detach from the wall when flushed (by pulling a chain) causing injuries to the user. Injuries are frequently sustained by people standing on toilet seats to reach a height. There are also instances of people slipping on a wet bathroom floor, or from a bath and concussing themselves on the fitment.

Most of the injuries described in this article have been with Western-style toilets. Occurrences with squat toilets must undoubtedly exist, but remain to be better documented.

Toilets can be the cause or location of many injuries and deaths

George II of Great Britain died on the toilet on 25 October 1760 from an aortic dissection. According to Horace Walpole's memoirs, King George "rose as usual at six, and drank his chocolate; for all his actions were invariably methodic. A quarter after seven he went into a little closet. His German valet de chambre in waiting heard a noise, and running in, found the King dead on the floor."

American film producer Don Simpson was found dead on the toilet on 19 January 1996. Although his death was officially attributed to natural causes, rumours and tabloid magazines claim he died from a drug overdose.


Possible occurrences
It is often reported that Elvis Presley died on or near the toilet after suffering a heart attack, with gastrointestinal problems combined with a weak heart causing his death. Several sources also say that drug use was implicated in Elvis' death on the toilet. These details were not confirmed by the coroner, however, though the event did take place in the bathroom.

Go to your health food store, buy a big bag of psyllium husks. Top off one or two meals a day with a glass of water with about 4 tablespoons of this stuff mixed in (shaken not stirred). You'll have a good morning dump every day if you do this thing.

I'm going to give ChargerMike's suggestion a chance to work. I went this morning and bought about a pound of Flax seed. I didn't know which of the two versions to get, the golden or the brown, so I got a little of both.

I had my coffee grinder going and I tried it with my bran cereal. I figure the two of those and about a 55 gallon drum of water each day and I should be good to go.

Rip City

Luth posting poop stories...does this mean SaladTosser will post here now?

Maybe they will post tales of beating down toiletsnakes?

If you eat enough flax seed and psyllium husks you can hang a feeder from your ass and take up bird watching.

Sorry to hear, Luth. Getting older kinda sux when it comes to these bodily functions.

next up ??
taking a leak and
prostate problems !!

Mix in a salad every now and then.

Careful, Luth or this could happen to you.

Gawdamn Indy, that hurt my fugging eyes...some nasty, nasty shite.

OH GOD INDY! That was AWFUL. Ew.

I remember getting a thread deleted which involved "ratemypoo.com". It was nothing compared to that.

lk_pick1 wrote: I remember getting a thread deleted which involved "ratemypoo.com".

Damn. And all this time, I thought you had posted titty pics.

My bad.