Chuck Norris facts site

[Goober McTuber]

The largest one I've seen.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/page1.html


• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

• The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

• Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

• Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

• Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

• When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

• Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

• As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

[The Doktor]

Fine thread you've got going here, Goob.

[Neely8]

Chuck Norris Facts:
>
> 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
>
> 2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
> 3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
> trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>
> 4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>
> 5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
> Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
>
> 6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
>
> 7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the
> probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
> 8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is
> compatible
> only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
>
> 9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
> the
> man ate a fucking Indian.
>
> 10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records
> it
> notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed
> in
> the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
>
> 11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another
> fist.
>
>
> Additional Chuck Norris Facts
>
> * Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
> broke
> the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
> she
> was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
>
> * Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes
>
> corn needs to lie the fuck down.
>
> * Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and
> could
> eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
>
> * The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris
> out.
> It failed miserably.
>
> * Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
> northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
> minutes
> of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms:
> fever,
> blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of
> being
> repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
>
> * Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and
> they're all poisonous.
>
> * If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
> 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you
> in
> the face.
>
> * Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
>
> * When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
> includes
> only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
> has
> not had to pay taxes, ever.
>
> * The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
>
> * Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
> with
> eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
> ingredient:
> Fear.
>
> * CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update
> Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
>
> * Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
>
> * There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
>
> allows to live.
>
> * Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
> first
> 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
>
> * What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims
> before
> they died? His shoe.
>
> * Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
> tennis.
>
> * Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a
> suicide.
>
> * Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
> the
> butter comes straight out.
>
> * Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
>
> * A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
> handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
> belongs
> to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
>
> * Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be
> the
> Magnolia.
>
> * Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called
>
> Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
>
> * If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
>
> * Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
> game,
> but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
> roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
> no
> glitch."
>
> * Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will fuck
> you
> up.
>
> * The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based
> on
> games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
>
> * Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
>
> yelling, "Bang!"
>
> * Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
> spacesuit.
> On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's
> atmosphere,
> streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An
> embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him
> a
> beer.
>
> * Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
>
> * Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
> the
> best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
> worst
> mistake anyone has ever made.
>
> * Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
> Chucktatorship.
>
> * Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
> once
> swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six
>
> feet tall and had learned karate.
>
> * Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
> Norris.
>
> * Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ...
> able
> to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck
>
> Norris's warm-up exercises.
>
> * Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
> uncertainty
> principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he
> will
> roundhouse-kick you in the face.
>
> * In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris
> turned
> that wine into beer.
>
> * Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA.
> Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads
> and
> yell "What The Fuck was That?"
>
> * Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
>
> * Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple
> universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one.
> When
> it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris
> roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as
> Stephen
> Hawking.
>
> * Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
>
> * The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization
> 4,
> because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations
> of
> the world in one turn.
>
> * In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
> use
> to kill you, including the room itself.
>
> * According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail
> of
> Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
>
> # Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
>
> # Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the
> American
> Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick
> to
> the face.
>
> # When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
> instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
>
> # There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has
> breathed
> on.
>
> # Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more
> testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
>
> # Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of
> beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men
>
> were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and
> arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after
> of
> mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
>
> # Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
>
> # When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds
> up
> the phone and money falls out.
>
> # Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him
> there
> was a stripper in it.
>
> # Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard
> legs. Hence, snakes.
>
> # There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten
> to
> different shades of black and blue.
>
> # When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it
> was
> 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
>
> # Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are
>
> filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark
> red.
>
> # A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of
> execution in 16 states.
>
> # When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water
> gets
> Chuck Norris.
>
> # Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big
> Bang is
> roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
>
> # Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
>
> # When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay.
> It
> will be because he has run out of women.
>
> # How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck
> Norris?
> ...All of it.
>
> # Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble
> themselves
> out of fear.
>
> # In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger
> size
> than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
>
> # Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
>
> # If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of
> Australia for 44 minutes.
>
> # Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
>
> # The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
>
> been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
> tears.
>
> # A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion
>
> words.
>
> # Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action,
> there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in
> reaction
> to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
>
> # Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called
> Chuck-Will-Kill.
>
> # When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
>
> surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
>
> # While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
>
> # Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it
> became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized
> from
> his autobiography.
>
> # When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
>
> # When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck
> Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
>
> # Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in
> his
> lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
>
> # Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go
> around.
>
> # Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
> thing
> that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
>
> # For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck
> Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
>
> # Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
>
> # When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will
> score
> over 8000.
>
> # Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum
> of
> visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
>
> # When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One
> roundhouse kick to the face.
>
> # Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983
> World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail
> Free
> Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the
> game
> UNO.
>
> # On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be
> thrown into the sun.
>
> # Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
>
> # Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris
> throws
> down!
>
> # In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse
> kicked
> that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the
> universe.
>
> # Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
>
> # Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with
> his
> own rage.
>
> # Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the
> year
> 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
>
> # Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
>
> # Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly
> destroyed,
> as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
>
> # If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will
> generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
>
> # Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven
> seconds.
>
> # Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section
>
> when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
>
> # Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the
>
> other nine faint.
>
> # The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an
> island
> with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough
> to go
> to the island to retrieve the footage.
>
> # It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
>
> # You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in
> real
> life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find
> you
> and kill you.
>
> # Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless
> it
> gets in his way.
>
> # The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris
>
> Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
>
> # There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives
> in
> Oklahoma.
>
> # Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
>
> # When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people.
> He
> walks through them.
>
> # Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made
> him
> blink.
>
> # James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However,
> upon
> reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a
> documentary,
> so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
>
> # Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
>
> # Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so
> terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified
> that
> all of its decendents now have white hair.
>
> # Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
>
> # It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make
> him
> destroy an orphanage.
>
> # Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a
> Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became
> pregnant instantly.
>
> # Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris
> pajamas.
>
> # Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening
> news.
> Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75%
> chance
> of Pain.
>
> # Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back
>
> into coal.
>
> # When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
> pushing
> the Earth down.
>
# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual
intercourse,
and football-- in that order.

[Wolfman]

^^^^^^^^^

I bet Chuck Norris himself couldn't even
read all of that !!

[Neely8]

^^^^^^^^^

I bet Chuck Norris himself couldn't even
read all of that !!

It's an e-mail I got like 4 years ago. There is some funny shit in there though.....

[Cicero]

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.



Nice

[Dinsdale]

Chuck Norris once killed an African elephant by shoving a glass dick 23 feet up its rectum.

[Mikey]

Chuck Norris killed Bruce Lee in revenge for his only defeat, at the hands of Lee in the Roman Colosseum in "Return of the Dragon".

[Goober McTuber]

Dinsdale,

I think you’re jealous of Chuck Norris because according to that website, Chuck is everything you wish you were and/or claim to be.

[Dinsdale]

Chuck Norris asks me for advice on pulling chicks.

Chuck Norris once spilled my beer, and I roudhouse kicked him to the face as I was working on the cure to avian flu. As he laid on the ground writhing in agony, he was in awe that I simply yelled "Stop getting sick, you fucking birds," and a another threat to humanity was instantly removed.


Chuck Norris brought the Thirteen Laws of God down from Mt Sinai. I made him edit them. Sucker was longwinded like a Dinsdale post.

[Ruff]

Chuck Norris asks me for advice on pulling chicks.

Chuck Norris once spilled my beer, and I roudhouse kicked him to the face as I was working on the cure to avian flu. As he laid on the ground writhing in agony, he was in awe that I simply yelled "Stop getting sick, you fucking birds," and a another threat to humanity was instantly removed.


Chuck Norris brought the Thirteen Laws of God down from Mt Sinai. I made him edit them. Sucker was longwinded like a Dinsdale post.

Your post doesn't even make sense. Why would you edit your laws because your posts are long?

[DiT]

i've never really considered Norris to be a badass.

[Goober McTuber]

That's certainly going to take some of the wind out of Dinsdale's sails.

[Jimmy Medalions]

Let me save everyone the trouble of reading this tired, non-sensical bullshit and summarize the facts at hand:

1. Chuck Norris sucks
2. Mangoober McFluter sucks

As you were...

[Goober McTuber]

Let me save everyone the trouble of reading this tired, non-sensical bullshit and summarize the facts at hand:

1. Chuck Norris sucks
2. Mangoober McFluter sucks

3. Jimmy Medalions swallows

[Neely8]

i've never really considered Norris to be a badass.

I think that's the joke.........

[Dinsdale]

i've never really considered Norris to be a badass.

On a more serious note...

That would make you a dumbass, Ditty.

Dude was Bruce Fucking Lee's grappling partner, and recieved what, at that time, was an extremely rare black belt from none other than Gene Labelle(after Chuck became World Karate Champion, of course). Since then, he's recieved advanced belts from the Machados, who have nothing but rave reviews for the guy's ability to learn new techniques and execute them to perfection.


While his movie/television career may blow ass, Chuck is the real freaking deal. If they had a tourney for all of the "Hollywood badasses," Chuck probably wins it, with ease...his age being his only limiting factor in that hypothetical. Dude has forgotten more about martial arts than most of the celeb-types have ever known.

[peter dragon]

• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

how many states are there?

[DiT]

i've never really considered Norris to be a badass.

On a more serious note...

That would make you a dumbass, Ditty.

Dude was Bruce Fucking Lee's grappling partner, and recieved what, at that time, was an extremely rare black belt from none other than Gene Labelle(after Chuck became World Karate Champion, of course). Since then, he's recieved advanced belts from the Machados, who have nothing but rave reviews for the guy's ability to learn new techniques and execute them to perfection.


While his movie/television career may blow ass, Chuck is the real freaking deal. If they had a tourney for all of the "Hollywood badasses," Chuck probably wins it, with ease...his age being his only limiting factor in that hypothetical. Dude has forgotten more about martial arts than most of the celeb-types have ever known.

he's too much of a nice guy to be Mr. Badass.
tough guy yeah,badass no.
sorry to hear he strikes fear in your heart

[Dinsdale]

how many states are there?

HA! peter dragon just blew the lid off that joke. Do you get it now that he explained it to you, Goober?

You just got PWN3D!!!!!


Sin,
Terry In Crapchester, humor expert



Maybe TiC, peter dragon, and a few others here need their own forum...the name "Dumbass Street" has a nice ring to it...

[Dinsdale]

• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

how many states are there?

Sorry, but I can't stop laughing at this post.


So, peter...


You actually bought into the idea that Chuck Norris had to register his spleen as a lethal weapon, but you had to draw the line and call "BULLSHIT" when it was reported that he had to do it in more than 50 states?




Move over, Cicero...there's a new sheriff in town...

[Diego in Seattle]

I heard that he kicked a woman's head off in Nampa, Idaho.

[The Doktor]

• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

how many states are there?

Sorry, but I can't stop laughing at this post.


So, peter...


You actually bought into the idea that Chuck Norris had to register his spleen as a lethal weapon, but you had to draw the line and call "BULLSHIT" when it was reported that he had to do it in more than 50 states?




Move over, Cicero...there's a new sheriff in town...

Dinsdale getting slammed once again. How utterly fascinating.

[Screw_Michigan]

Let me save everyone the trouble of reading this tired, non-sensical bullshit and summarize the facts at hand:

1. Chuck Norris sucks
2. Mangoober McFluter sucks

As you were...

rack. real clever, goobs. sin, 2002.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

Nah, Chuck Norris jokes will never not be funny.

[Goober McTuber]

Let me save everyone the trouble of reading this tired, non-sensical bullshit and summarize the facts at hand:

1. Chuck Norris sucks
2. Mangoober McFluter sucks

As you were...

rack. real clever, goobs. sin, 2002.

Were you trying to reply to me or Jimmy Mediocre? Clever use of the ubb, you fucking Ecstasy addict.