Futbol Americano!
Posted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 10:14 pm
"Mexican, or a sub sammich?"
I'm standing there today on the sidewalk of a mini mall, looking up at the posted menus of a couple of new restaurants...
"Fuck it. A sub is a sub. A bad sub is still decent and a great sub is not much better than any other sub. Mexican though, there's a HUUUGE possible swing between moose vomit and sublime. They're both new to me...gotta try the Mexican place."
I walk in and order my grub. The place is packed, and the mariachi music is deafening. I can barely hear my arteries clogging over the oom pah pah din and the goofy drunken wailing. I grab a seat in the middle of the place, where I can at least see the tv. Looks like ESPN is on since I see a football game going on...
The food fucking sucked. I came up snake eyes. No having to go back and shoot the cook, Johnny Depp style, not this go around.
Looking up at the tv from across the room, hey, what's this? Division 1-AA football, being shown on a Monday afternoon? That's what it looks like, anyway. Can't hear a thing though coming from the tv. Lotsa "Aaaaaayeyeyeyeyeyeeeeeeee!!!" blaring out over the sound system.
You know how when you see Little League football it's hilarious as fuck, especially the kickoffs? The little kids just sort of carom off each other and everybody looks like they're moving in quicksand. It's kinda like Moorese's midgets and tards running amok. Small, slow and mostly lacking rudders. Chaos. This game looked just like that.
A quick glance, and I don't recognize the unis. The team in blue looks like the old L.A. Rams, only with the colors reversed. White helmets with a blue horn. Kinda like Colorado St, but no green and yellow. The other team's unis are totally unfamiliar to me.
Didn't recognize the initials next to the score ticker either. "MVT" 17, "YTR" 10. Something like that.
"Mt Vernon College?", maybe...
I have no fucking idea. It's football though, and my food was a train wreck, so I'm gonna at least get something out of this deal by watching some good ol' fashioned small school football.
There was a track surrounding the field and the stands were only half filled. Yep, gotta be 1-AA. Then the camera panned back and hey, that's a huge stadium! What 1-AA team plays in a huge stadium like that, outdoors?
Then the camera pans down to a player on the sideline. He's riding a stationary bike...with his helmet on?? The camera swings around to the back of the guy and...wtf??? The world famous "Coca-Cola" logo is on the back of the guy's jersey, right where his name should be. Then he takes his helmet off and...dude is a long haired, bearded Mexican! Bwaaahaaa!!
It's fuggen Mexican football!! Yeah, boyeeee!!
Wish I coulda heard their color commentators. Whatever they were saying, they were dressed really garishly and they were getting pretty damn demonstrative with their arm waving and puffed up faces. They were into it, definitely.
The "Rams" QB burps up the ugliest flutterduck of a twenty yard out pattern toss you ever saw. Little Amy Lipshitz at the Punt Pass & Kick Des Moines Regionals woulda hoisted up a better toss. No matter. Some Enrique Iglesias dude on the "Rams" comes down with the duck and the two "Corona Light" defenders do a full on Keystone Cops bit by running into each other as they attempt to circle the receiver. They both go down in a heap, Enrique With The Flowing Mane literally steps over #24 on the ground and then he waltzes untouched for the last forty yards.
TD!! The "Rams" players mob the guy in the end zone. They ALL rip their helmets off and dance together, in a choreographed bit straight outta "The Producers".
Uber gay.
Then...it happened.
Just like on American tv, they quickly panned to the sidelines for the continuing celebration shot.
Two words:
1-Mexican
2-Cheerleaders
Holy...fuck.
Bikinis. Tiny little bikinis, instead of prudish little cheerleader outfits. Nine Salma Hayeks writhing and cavorting, gaping maw pussies smiling through the leg kicks. Full on stripper make up, hair and barely there bikinis highlighting the bronzed and bouncing cleavage. Asses. Thrilled and thrilling asses, hungrily eating their bikini bottoms.
Only things missing were the random gun play and some libidinous donkeys.
Fuggen beautiful. Futbol Americano, indeed. I'm sold.
I'm standing there today on the sidewalk of a mini mall, looking up at the posted menus of a couple of new restaurants...
"Fuck it. A sub is a sub. A bad sub is still decent and a great sub is not much better than any other sub. Mexican though, there's a HUUUGE possible swing between moose vomit and sublime. They're both new to me...gotta try the Mexican place."
I walk in and order my grub. The place is packed, and the mariachi music is deafening. I can barely hear my arteries clogging over the oom pah pah din and the goofy drunken wailing. I grab a seat in the middle of the place, where I can at least see the tv. Looks like ESPN is on since I see a football game going on...
The food fucking sucked. I came up snake eyes. No having to go back and shoot the cook, Johnny Depp style, not this go around.
Looking up at the tv from across the room, hey, what's this? Division 1-AA football, being shown on a Monday afternoon? That's what it looks like, anyway. Can't hear a thing though coming from the tv. Lotsa "Aaaaaayeyeyeyeyeyeeeeeeee!!!" blaring out over the sound system.
You know how when you see Little League football it's hilarious as fuck, especially the kickoffs? The little kids just sort of carom off each other and everybody looks like they're moving in quicksand. It's kinda like Moorese's midgets and tards running amok. Small, slow and mostly lacking rudders. Chaos. This game looked just like that.
A quick glance, and I don't recognize the unis. The team in blue looks like the old L.A. Rams, only with the colors reversed. White helmets with a blue horn. Kinda like Colorado St, but no green and yellow. The other team's unis are totally unfamiliar to me.
Didn't recognize the initials next to the score ticker either. "MVT" 17, "YTR" 10. Something like that.
"Mt Vernon College?", maybe...
I have no fucking idea. It's football though, and my food was a train wreck, so I'm gonna at least get something out of this deal by watching some good ol' fashioned small school football.
There was a track surrounding the field and the stands were only half filled. Yep, gotta be 1-AA. Then the camera panned back and hey, that's a huge stadium! What 1-AA team plays in a huge stadium like that, outdoors?
Then the camera pans down to a player on the sideline. He's riding a stationary bike...with his helmet on?? The camera swings around to the back of the guy and...wtf??? The world famous "Coca-Cola" logo is on the back of the guy's jersey, right where his name should be. Then he takes his helmet off and...dude is a long haired, bearded Mexican! Bwaaahaaa!!
It's fuggen Mexican football!! Yeah, boyeeee!!
Wish I coulda heard their color commentators. Whatever they were saying, they were dressed really garishly and they were getting pretty damn demonstrative with their arm waving and puffed up faces. They were into it, definitely.
The "Rams" QB burps up the ugliest flutterduck of a twenty yard out pattern toss you ever saw. Little Amy Lipshitz at the Punt Pass & Kick Des Moines Regionals woulda hoisted up a better toss. No matter. Some Enrique Iglesias dude on the "Rams" comes down with the duck and the two "Corona Light" defenders do a full on Keystone Cops bit by running into each other as they attempt to circle the receiver. They both go down in a heap, Enrique With The Flowing Mane literally steps over #24 on the ground and then he waltzes untouched for the last forty yards.
TD!! The "Rams" players mob the guy in the end zone. They ALL rip their helmets off and dance together, in a choreographed bit straight outta "The Producers".
Uber gay.
Then...it happened.
Just like on American tv, they quickly panned to the sidelines for the continuing celebration shot.
Two words:
1-Mexican
2-Cheerleaders
Holy...fuck.
Bikinis. Tiny little bikinis, instead of prudish little cheerleader outfits. Nine Salma Hayeks writhing and cavorting, gaping maw pussies smiling through the leg kicks. Full on stripper make up, hair and barely there bikinis highlighting the bronzed and bouncing cleavage. Asses. Thrilled and thrilling asses, hungrily eating their bikini bottoms.
Only things missing were the random gun play and some libidinous donkeys.
Fuggen beautiful. Futbol Americano, indeed. I'm sold.