T1B

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

b+

A


next...


A lesson all (conflicted) T1B posters can learn...


A South Dakota farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog and/or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but the dog moaned and then the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found this:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

I'm actually pissed off that I took the time to read that.

ElvisMonster wrote:I'm actually pissed off that I took the time to read that.

So am I.

Next time, please don't read it.

So when is somebody gonna actually drop a joke here or are they just foking about therre being a joke?

Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't fuck with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''




Yeah I know, C+ at best, hey I'm trying.

Here is another...

A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, a cowboy hat and pointed toed boots.
Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know, "says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, "How about nuclear proliferation?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?"

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates briefed the President this morning.

He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then
he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in
tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Gates,

"Just exactly how many is a brazilian?"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when a decrepit old cow walked in front of the speeding
towncar. The driver tried to avoid hitting it, but couldn't---the
ancient bovine was struck and killed. Hillary instructed the driver to
go to the farm house and explain what had happened, and offer to
reimburse the farmer for the cow. She would remain in the car and make
calls to lobbyists. About an hour later, the driver returns to the
towncar, his clothes in disarray, holding a half-empty bottle of
expensive wine in one hand, and a rare Cuban cigar in the other,
smiling dreamily, his face smeared with lipstick. "What happened to
you?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me
the cigar, his wife gave me the bottle of wine, and the gorgeous twin
daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God! What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
"I just stepped inside their door and said 'I'm Hillary Clinton's
driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast, I
couldn't stop it."

A thirty-something office type Bernie, scored big in the Stock Market, and with some of the proceeds, bought a Ferrari Enzo. Eager to put the car through its paces, he found the hilly country of New Hampshire an ideal location,...plenty of twists and turns, smaller hills as well as steep mountain roads. He was blasting over the crest of a small hill and halfway down the other side was a farmer leading a small herd of dairy cows across the narrow road. Bernie jumped on the brakes, downshifted three times and skidded into the herd. He jumped out of the Enzo and saw that no animals were killed.
He spoke to the farmer.
"Man, I am FREAKING sorry about this! I just got this new sports car and I was trying it out. I'm glad I only knocked a few of your cows over and didn't kill any. Tell you what. If I did your cows any harm at all, I'll be glad to pay you.
The farmer said,"And if you did them any good...I'll be glad to pay YOU.