T1B

... Oh, doo dah day.

After sharing this story, a sweet Lady I know who lurks this Board suggested that I post it here. What the hell. I feel like writing tonight, and I blame OCMike for the inspiration…

Couple of weeks ago, I participated in the 30th Annual Westport St. Patrick's Day 4 Mile Run. Not particularly a personal milestone - this would be my 4th St. Pat's run – but the race was held in one of KC's favored old bar districts and the race-day atmosphere is non-parallel. Truly a can't-miss race on any KC runner's calendar.

That said, I had skipped this race – and a numerous others – over the past couple of years due to a litany of runner-related maladies (read: old man's complaints), but a new year's training regimen this winter found me fit and salty to compete in my first race of the new running season.

Er, that is, until the dawn of March 15 broke. Three straight frickin' days of 60 degree-plus weather leading up to race-Saturday, and like half this board, Ma Nature decided to take a dump on KC. Perfect. I awoke that morning to an inch of slush on the streets.

I do not run in cold, and I do not run in slush. Staying in bed and punting this race was a serious consideration that morning. But you pays your money, you runs your race…

…So after driving to Westport that morning expecting no less than a thousand no-shows, I was pleasantly surprised to find a raucous sea of hearty revelers thumbing their noses at Winter's Last Hurrah and swelling the race cues anticipating the sound of the starter's gun. Cool!

As per any race, I hit the porta-pottie lines to drain the morning's coffee, and somehow managed to lose my cheap-ass, Wal-Mart-special .mp3 player somewhere in the process.

Shit.

First the weather, now this. No tunes for at least 30 minutes, and I'm gonna hafta actually talk to people over the course of the race. Oh well.

After a drawn-out benediction presented by the race's patron and the scree of our National Anthem by Celtic pipes, we were off! I hit the One Mile mark at 10:06, and thought, what a pile of fuck! Sure, I got caught up with the Thundering Herd at the start line, but 10:06?! What the Hell? I might as well walk! Undaunted, however, I picked up the pace.

I hit Mile Two at 19–and-change, and felt pretty good about improving on my pace and bringing in a respectable finish over the next couple miles . I passed a UT fan decked out in burnt orange and clearly in town for the XII Basketball Tournament and assured him that while his team might not survive the likes of Kansas, he was golden to complete the race's finishing hills.

Mile 3 offered no splits, but I knew what I needed to do to finish my race strong. Inspired by a trio of pace-hotties and their spandex-clad asses maddenly just beyond our reach, I joined a pack of a half-dozen-or-so 30-to-40 somethings who willingly gave chase.

Having survived the worst of the hills and heading for the home stretch, one of our group suddenly decided to break rank and streak to the Finish Line as if he were Mo Greene challenging the 100 Meter Olympic Record. Never mind the 36-plus-minute pace the mook had run over the previous four miles: Cat was bent on finishing strong.

Major fox paw in running circles: Wanna finish with a fast time? Then run fast during the race.

Asshat.

Don't get me wrong: A strong "kick" at races end is much celebrated. But this guy was the Kid Nashville of all runners:

Without a clue, and about to get smacked oblivious …

…So our Hero rounds the pack somewhere approaching the speed of sound, when a female voice from the curb rings out a "go, Cory, go," to encourage his efforts. Turning his head to wave at his wife/girlfriend/skank rooter, he inadvertantly managed to overlook one of the six THREE FOOT HIGH POLES sunk into the middle of Westport Road and placed with the sole purpose of discouraging vehicle traffic from killing the runners.

You can imagine the rest.

Asshat went cubes first into one of the poles and collapsed writhing in the street. I didn't know whether to stop and help; cry in sympathy; laugh my ass off; or finish the race. I chose the latter. Sometimes, the Smack just writes itself.

Yawn.

Jesus fuck. If you're gonna write a boring race story at least finish strong and tell how three older chicks finished ahead of you and laughed at your slow sorry ass as they passed you panting and heaving, and how just after you crossed the finish line you collapsed and puked up a cheap mp3 player encrusted with a half digested mcbreakfast meal all over their new nikes.

10 minute mile. KCgutfiller makes better time on a twinkie waddle across town.

Holy shit! I'm not reading all that. :D

…So our Hero rounds the pack somewhere approaching the speed of sound, when a female voice from the curb rings out a "go, Cory, go," to encourage his efforts. Turning his head to wave at his wife/girlfriend/skank rooter, he inadvertantly managed to overlook one of the six THREE FOOT HIGH POLES sunk into the middle of Westport Road and placed with the sole purpose of discouraging vehicle traffic from killing the runners.

You know the only reason he started running at MACH 1.5 is because he knew she was standing there at the finish line and that way he could act like that was his pace the entire race. What a fucking tool.

Gee I wonder why more folks don't post funny stories on the board? Hmmmm.

Props to Truman for an entertaining read.

Hey Truman, next time throw the boys a steak. Take creative liberties with the "facts" and expand on the ever-so-important details like spandex wrapped derrieres, big bouncing boobies, and banging Cory's stripper girlfriend post-sterilization. And mention beer, explosives, basketball, and you're golden. :wink:

Truman puts out like no other.

Cut him some slack.

Thanks, Orc, but Sol and Bushie make a great point.

Sprinkle in some strippers; a couple of whores; maybe a street riot; our old pal goobs striking the tape with a sub-30; or even a drive-by shooting-or-seven and my post woulda been far more readable...

Strike that.

Placing goobs' cheese-bloated Wisconsin fat-ass in the same county as a road race simply woulda made my post unbelievable....

bushice wrote:10 minute mile. KCgutfiller makes better time on a twinkie waddle across town.

As a Nocal, I can understand where the term "slush" might confuse you. It is a heavy, wet, sloppy, snow/ice mixture that falls here in the Midwest on occasion and has a tendency to slow the best of race participants. Mix in a couple of thousand pack runners and two-dozen-or-so parked cars on a narrow mid-town street and you just might be rewarded with a 10-minute split at Mile 1. And pity the nuns didn't beat you harder to work out the 8:30's on the closing two miles.

'Sayin'.

Missus Bushlice wrote:10 minute mile. KCgutfiller makes better time on a twinkie waddle across town.

Why do you disrespect Truman...dude is a lean, mean smack-running machine.

It wasn't disrespecting Truman so much as it was flinging twinkie smack at your fat fucking retarded ass.

yeah yeah I know,

dome, bode, ankle biting, ad nausuem, etc. etc. ..... there. Saved you from posting it, so there's more time for eating.

As a Nocal, I can understand where the term "slush" might confuse you.

Careful. You're gonna get KC McCheeseGrater all excited for one of them 7-11 type high calorie 64 oz flavored crushed icey big gulps, and he'll trash your best running time in a fat rolling tsunami of a hunger tidal wave that will at first suck every obstacle in his path between him and fast food seduction out of the way, then roar up the street like an army of Little Debbie Pastry snacks on their way down his gaping maw to eventual gastric destruction in the vast labyrinth of his sausage bloated intestinal tract.

Mister Bushice wrote:It wasn't disrespecting Truman so much as it was flinging twinkie smack at your fat fucking retarded ass.

Nooooo waaaaayyy....REALLY? Gee Bushy Bitch, thanks SO MUCH for pointing that out.

yeah yeah I know,

dome, bode, ankle biting, ad nausuem, etc. etc. ..... there. Saved you from posting it, so there's more time for eating.

If the shoe fits (and it CLEARLY does in your sad, pathetic case)....

As a Nocal, I can understand where the term "slush" might confuse you.

Careful. You're gonna get KC McCheeseGrater all excited for one of them 7-11 type high calorie 64 oz flavored crushed icey big gulps, and he'll trash your best running time in a fat rolling tsunami of a hunger tidal wave that will at first suck every obstacle in his path between him and fast food seduction out of the way, then roar up the street like an army of Little Debbie Pastry snacks on their way down his gaping maw to eventual gastric destruction in the vast labyrinth of his sausage bloated intestinal tract.

Careful there Bushy Bitch, you're QUICKLY using up yer quota of fat catch phrases for the month. We wouldn't want you to run out before tax day even gets here now, would we?

Sol wrote:Gee I wonder why more folks don't post funny stories on the board? Hmmmm.

Probably because most folks aren’t capable. I just didn’t find Truman’s story all that interesting or his writing style all that entertaining. No big deal. And BTW, Truman, no matter how often you and KFC Paul call me fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact. KFC Paul calling anyone else fat is always good for a chuckle.

Goober McTuber wrote:...I just didn’t find Truman’s story all that interesting or his writing style all that entertaining.

'Course you didn't. A narrative about Running is as alien to you as the salad bar down at the Western Sizzler.

...And BTW, Truman, no matter how often you and KFC Paul call me fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact.

Land of nine-month winters, cheese curds, and summer sausage sez what?!



Perhaps. But smart money says to take the Size 42 pant size and bet the over, Fatass.

KFC Paul calling anyone else fat is always good for a chuckle.

Funny… I don't recall introducing Paul into this thread. Apparently, he was right all along:

He IS in your dome.

For what it's worth, Paul says that he's lost weight. And no matter how often you call Paul fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact.

Can't have it both ways, Goo. Post a pic or shut your pie hole. TIA.

Truman wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:...I just didn’t find Truman’s story all that interesting or his writing style all that entertaining.

'Course you didn't. A narrative about Running is as alien to you as the salad bar down at the Western Sizzler.

...And BTW, Truman, no matter how often you and KFC Paul call me fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact.

Land of nine-month winters, cheese curds, and summer sausage sez what?!



Perhaps. But smart money says to take the Size 42 pant size and bet the over, Fatass.

KFC Paul calling anyone else fat is always good for a chuckle.

Funny… I don't recall introducing Paul into this thread. Apparently, he was right all along:

He IS in your dome.

Fat Paul tried to make the same call in another thread. But the KC retards should feel free to join together for an "In your dome" group cheer/hug. BTW, the subject of the narrative was irrelevant, your writing skills suck.

Truman wrote:For what it's worth, Paul says that he's lost weight.

Yes, and R-Jack called him out to post the evidence and KFC Paul wimped out.

Goober McTuber wrote:BTW, the subject of the narrative was irrelevant, your writing skills suck

Goober McTunaCasserole is grading Trumans papers?

Seems Truman missed quite a few chapters.

The story line goes something like this:

Picture of Paul dripping fat all over the internet: Fat :paul:

Picture of Goober: None available.

Call out by Fat Paul for R-Jack to post pics of himself, and if he did so then Fat Paul said he would post new "skinny" pics of himself: R-Jack Did post pics but Paul pussied out, proving and prolonging the fat, fucking, retarded, welcher concept now burned into the walls of the internet.

So in summary,

R-Jack - Manned up when called out by Fat Paul
Paul - Fat, pussied out so still fat, most likely fatter, and a fucking retarded welcher on top of that.
Goober - no pics ever posted, therefore obviously quite intelligent.

Hope that helps.

War Wagon wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:BTW, the subject of the narrative was irrelevant, your writing skills suck

Goober McTunaCasserole is grading Trumans papers?

Truman claims to be the KC varsity.

Whitey and KFC Paul lay claim to the cheerleader positions.

Truman gets to fuck all of the KC cheerleaders.

Truman wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:....And BTW, Truman, no matter how often you and KFC Paul call me fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact.

Land of nine-month winters, cheese curds, and summer sausage sez what?!

Mister Bushice wrote:Seems Truman missed quite a few chapters.

The story line goes something like this:

Picture of Paul dripping fat all over the internet: Fat :paul:

Proving yet again that you're even MORE stupid than thought possible.

Picture of Goober: None available.

Call out by Fat Paul for R-Jack to post pics of himself, and if he did so then Fat Paul said he would post new "skinny" pics of himself: R-Jack Did post pics but Paul pussied out, proving and prolonging the fat, fucking, retarded, welcher concept now burned into the walls of the internet.

So in summary,

R-Jack - Manned up when called out by Fat Paul
Paul - Fat, pussied out so still fat, most likely fatter, and a fucking retarded welcher on top of that.

Goober - no pics ever posted, therefore obviously quite intelligent.

Hope that helps.

Actually I never posted my pics....that was all Scott's doing. Joe6pac out front should've told you. Now then, back to what you do best, you flaming fucking pussy:

Goober McTuber wrote:Whitey and KFC Paul lay claim to the cheerleader positions.

RevLimiter wrote:

Truman wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:....And BTW, Truman, no matter how often you and KFC Paul call me fat, that ain’t gonna make it a fact.

Land of nine-month winters, cheese curds, and summer sausage sez what?!

Shake those pom-poms, tubby.

Baby-Got-Back-In-Wisconsin-Says-What?

You calling me fat is like Roseanne Barr calling Angelina Jolie ugly. Wishin’ ain’t gonna make it so, tubby.

I feel like no matter what forum I click on, I am being re-directed to the same fucking thread.

Way to go, Goobs.

RumpleForeskin wrote:I feel like no matter what forum I click on, I am being re-directed to the same fucking thread.

Way to go, Goobs.

Stick to the Ween Forum. I never go in there.

Goober McTuber wrote:You calling me fat is like Roseanne Barr calling Angelina Jolie ugly. Wishin’ ain’t gonna make it so, tubby.

As has been pointed out previously in this same thread, you can't have it both ways you fucking moron.

RevLimiter wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:You calling me fat is like Roseanne Barr calling Angelina Jolie ugly. Wishin’ ain’t gonna make it so, tubby.

As has been pointed out previously in this same thread, you can't have it both ways you fucking moron.

Have what both ways, you gibbering FAT fucking RETARD? You’re fat, I’m not. No two ways about it.

Goober McTuber wrote:

RevLimiter wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:You calling me fat is like Roseanne Barr calling Angelina Jolie ugly. Wishin’ ain’t gonna make it so, tubby.

As has been pointed out previously in this same thread, you can't have it both ways you fucking moron.

Have what both ways, you gibbering FAT fucking RETARD? You’re fat, I’m not. No two ways about it.

Prove it.

RevLimiter wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:Have what both ways, you gibbering FAT fucking RETARD? You’re fat, I’m not. No two ways about it.

Prove it.

FAT fucking RETARDED welcher says what?

RevLimiter wrote:you can't have it both ways you fucking moron.

I CAN.

sin,

I hate it when people use "as per". It's right up there with "in order to".

That being said, not being a runner I never had any idea that there was such a thing as "pace hotties". As per Truman's narrative they apparently are there to goad the middle-aged slobs into running a little faster. If you catch one do you get to keep her?

Goober McTuber wrote:

RevLimiter wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:Have what both ways, you gibbering FAT fucking RETARD? You’re fat, I’m not. No two ways about it.

Prove it.

FAT fucking RETARDED welcher says what?

Don't be a PUSSY Goobs.

RumpleForeskin wrote:I feel like no matter what forum I click on, I am being re-directed to the same fucking thread.

Way to go, Goobs.

...Rack skin..how can a Truman post catch the attention of the daily dweeb fest?

RevLimiter wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:

RevLimiter wrote: Prove it.

FAT fucking RETARDED welcher says what?

Don't be a PUSSY Goobs.

IKYABWAI has mutated into a post-borne virus! Oh my GOD, where is Y2Koresh when you need him?

First Order of Business: Rack Rumps and CMike. Thank you for making my point.

Second Order of Business: Paul. You're not helping. Please sit this one out. I seriously could care less where you chase Goo McTubs... Just not here. TIA.

Rumple McTubs wrote:Fat Paul tried to make the same call in another thread. But the KC retards should feel free to join together for an "In your dome" group cheer/hug. BTW, the subject of the narrative was irrelevant, your writing skills suck.

The KC retards?!

Let's talk about the Wisconsin retards instead, shall we?

Not only is your soft, pudgy ass a couple bratwursts or an éclair-or-seven short of life-saving dialysis, as per ('sup Mikey) Pickle and Fraudo, you're a hood-wearing, cross-burning racist too.

Ain't Guilt by Geography fun, Goo?

As for writing skills…The next thread I start with your sensibilities in mind will be my first. Please wake me when we get to the part where I give a flying rat's ass as to what the hell you think.

Trust me, Fat-ass, this will not end well for you.

And there's REALLY only two ways that you're gonna come outta this thread:

Poorly…

Or VERY Poorly.

Oh, I'm about Civil Discourse.

Makes no matter: I can run you here… Or in a separate thread.

I don't care. And we'll let the Peanut Gallery decide who's "writing skills suck."

Mister Bushice wrote:Seems Truman missed quite a few chapters.

...So in summary,

R-Jack - Manned up when called out by Fat Paul
Paul - Fat, pussied out so still fat, most likely fatter, and a fucking retarded welcher on top of that.
Goober - no pics ever posted, therefore obviously quite intelligent.

Hope that helps.

'Wit you Bushie, but I ran into Paul about eight months ago. He was looking rather svelte, and certainly down from the Rumple McTub-sian weight he sported back when that pic was taken all of seven years ago.

A whole eight months can make an even bigger difference – and 70 posts later, BLard out front shoulda told ya.

That said, I am still mailing the rent money to my landlord….

As for Goo McTubs…

'Case you missed it, I called out HIS fat ass to post a pic earlier in this thread.

So much for the intelligence you suggest. Or maybe not. As you said:

Fat, pussied out so still fat, most likely fatter, and a fucking retarded welcher on top of that.

…So how's that pic coming, RumpleGoo?

Mikey wrote:I hate it when people use "as per". It's right up there with "in order to".

That being said, not being a runner I never had any idea that there was such a thing as "pace hotties". As per Truman's narrative they apparently are there to goad the middle-aged slobs into running a little faster. If you catch one do you get to keep her?

No. By definition, you CANNOT catch a pace hottie.

But should the unthinkable ever occur…

You gotta throw 'em back. They got roolz and junk.

Sup' Tru?

All about you, B'rer!

Spring is in the air, and I thought I'd get in a few cuts in the cage, courtesy of McRumps. 'Sup wit' you? BTW, 'preciate the English. Frog's gotta a be a bitch to do bidness....

Truman wrote: 'Wit you Bushie, but I ran into Paul about eight months ago. He was looking rather svelte, and certainly down from the Rumple McTub-sian weight he sported back when that pic was taken all of seven years ago.

Damn. Didn't see THAT coming. Imagine. KC Paul running such a troll?

So "Truman", you've seen an undated pic of mt. rumplewife, and THAT is ok to continue making fun of, but you saw Paulie 8 months ago. and so now he's off limits? WTF?

A whole eight months can make an even bigger difference

Either way? No shit. Most people could easily gain 30 pounds in that time frame, and former fat fucks could double that.

The question is why didn't you, er paulie post a pic of yourself, er himself, when R-Jack manned up?

Did you fucking forget about, I mean miss the whole stolen post cut and paste shit that you er, paulie did in the sports forums and got busted for last year?

Seriously. Some people here speak up for Truman, but NO ONE speaks up for KC cut and paste. Even the KC people are embarrassed by him.

'Case you missed it, I called out HIS (goobers)fat ass to post a pic earlier in this thread.

And yet Truman didn't post a recent pic, and neither did Paul, but you/he called someone else out to do so?

THAT sounds so fucking R-Jack recent post familiar to me.

You're either a Paul troll, or you're stupid.

Mister Bushice wrote:The question is why didn't you, er paulie post a pic of yourself, er himself, when R-Jack manned up?

Simple you ASS...I refuse to post up a recent pic just to have immature cumstains like yourself PhotoChop it. Is there any part of that you fail to understand?