Hans Olsen, a former BYU player
Hans Olsen. Does that not just
sound like a BYU player??
What, former BYU standout LaQuinta Kayeesha Washington wasn't available for comment?
Man, it's gotta be tough sledding, being a recruiter for BYU. If the kid isn't Mormon, and most stud football players aren't, then that's gotta be one tough sell...
"Listen kid, I know you're used to being BMOC. You're used to your entire existence playing out like a BET rap video. Bitches by the score hanging on your jock, getting into any night club you want...never ending partying. Loads of black people everywhere. Familiar foods, familiar music, even barbers who are familiar with the techniques necessary to create those crazy ass dreads or zig zag patterns all up and down the side of your shaved melon.
You're eighteen years old and you're about to hit the pussy lotto.
College co-eds, anyway you want 'em, as much as you can handle.
Oh, and future NFL stardom too, with an NFL paycheck, which will make your college partying days seem like Romper Room stuff.
I get that. You got it all kid, right there on a silver platter. I envy you. Hell, I'd suck your dick myself were it not for our blasted rules.
Rules are rules, you know.
But look, here's what
I can offer you. Check this shit out...
For starters, we have an Honor Code. You'll be required to never lie, cheat, drink alcohol, smoke pot or have sex.
No fuggen sex, you got that? Yeah, I know, you'll be surrounded by wealthy, sexually repressed and absolutely stunning girls-next-door white chicks.
No sex. Period. No beer parties, and no sex.
You're eighteen. You weren't planning on having sex and drinking beer any time soon anyway, right?
Check that. You can have sex, but you gotta get married first, and then you can only have sex with your wife. You
were planning on getting married and settling down to a life of monogamy during your college football party days, right?
Oh, and that polygamy thing maybe you heard about? Nah, not so much anymore. It'll just be you and your one wife, or it's no sex for you.
You cool with that? Great.
Moving on...
You'll be one of only five black people in the whole state. The other four coloreds also attend BYU and Utah on athletic schollies and for some reason they're all homesick and miserable and they say they can't stand 'crazy Samoans' and 'boring ass Howdy Doody white folk.'
Dunno why. They've got issues, I guess. You'll be different though, I just know it.
On the plus side though, yeah, we've got Samoans coming out our ass. You'll dig you some Samoans. They'll probably wanna teach you that Haka dance shit, or whatever they call it. You're black, I'm sure you can dance. You'll pick it up in no time flat.
Loads of white people, and Samoans.
Also, it's upper Utah. Bring a warm coat. It gets a bit nippy 'round these parts. I know you're from Florida but you know what,
anybody can live in bitchin' weather, with bikini chicks all over the place. You're different. You're gonna love ice and snow and hiking and reading our whacked out bible.
No sex though, and no alcohol, not even at frat parties. Remember that. We're still good, right?
Here's another cool thing about coming to play for BYU. You'll be playing in the prestigious Mountain West Conference, against football powerhouses like Wyoming, San Diego St and UNLV. You'll love winter roadies in Laramie. The air is so crisp. Fresh air. Very fresh air.
You like cowboys, right? Everyone likes cowboys.
Here's the kicker though. If you come play for us you'll never have an opportunity to play for the national title. All your buddies who went to Florida, LSU, Ohio St, Oklahoma and USC? Yeah, sure, they'll be on tv a lot and they'll probably get picked ahead of you in the NFL draft because they got to play against much better competition and they got to play a whole bunch more nationally televised big games.
You don't play for championships though, right? You play for the love of the sport. You just wanna line up with all your white and Samoan teammates and whoop up on some Aztec ass.
Anyway, that tv exposure and national title stuff is overrated. Big deal. We have snow. And no alcohol or sex, and a crazy ass whacked out religion. It'll be good for you. Builds character.
We here at BYU are all about building character. Oh, and tithing. Tithing? Don't worry about it, I'll explain that later. You'll love it, if you ever get that NFL paycheck. Warms the soul.
Anyway, here at BYU it's about building character. You're all about building character, aren't you, Ju'whirl?
Btw, keep your calender open. Don't make any big plans. You might be going on a little trip.
By the way, how's your Cantonese? Did you do well in your Spanish class? It's just like riding a bicycle, you know. It'll all come back to you.
Oh, and speaking of bicycles..."