(!) "Cease your churlish resistance!" (!)

[Van]

A new Indian place opened up nearby, and since I haven't had any Indian grub in awhile I decided to go try it.

Don't worry, this won't be another food/restaurant discussion. Nope, this one's going to be about the genius that is Bollywood, which produces some of the absolute funniest shit you'll ever see.

For those of you who don't know, Bollywood is the nickname of the Indian cinema industry, which, so I'm told, actually dwarfs American cinema, purely in terms of films and tv shows produced. With 1.1 billion people just in India, plus another seventy three billiion Indians living elsewhere around the globe, mainly here in California, yeah, I guess they be some movie watchin' fools.

I order my food and then I go and sit down at my table, intending to read my book. That's what I do. I like to read for about an hour, before and after my meal.

Well, in this case, I never got to my book. I was simply too enthralled by what I saw on the giant flat screen tv behind the counter.

Fuck, I wish PSU was there to witness it. He would've died laughing.

Here's the deal. They were showing some Indian action adventure/all around entertainment flick, involving some hilariously cornball Sikh Leading Man who was trying to, lessee here....

-Use some sort of weird Will Ferrell shtick to bag the Impossibly Hot Leading Lady. (More about her, later.)

-Catch a vaguely Indian looking terrorist. He was swarthy looking, and constantly sweaty, whatever his ethnicity.

-Endure non-stop threats of severe ass whoopings from Rack Fu and his incredibly retarded FBI cohorts, whose menacing interrogation tactics mainly involved pointing pointedly at dude's chest.

-Preen and cavort, including lots of "Check out the gun show, babe!" episodes where he'd flex and tap his bicep while leering like a goon at Impossibly Hot Leading Lady.

-Dance, dance, dance his days and nights away.

-Break into song, completely inexplicably, along with Impossibly Hot Leading Lady (hereafter to be known as IHLL), both of whose voices would suddenly and completely change, every time they'd sing.

The fun with this movie started with the way it was presented. I've never seen anything like it. The characters bounced back and forth between speaking English and Hindi. I don't mean they were dubbed, either. No, first the actors would speak in Hindi, then, oddly, they'd switch to English. The same actors. They weren't repeating themselves, either.

That was kinda weird, but it wasn't half as fantastic as the actual things they were saying, and the accompanying subtitles. I guess because the movie kept switching languages all the time they felt the need to subtitle the whole shootin' match. They'd be speaking in English and still we'd get English subtitles. They'd be speaking in Hindi and still we'd get English subtitles.

Wtf??

Oh, man, those subtitles were hilarious. They were far funnier than even the most horribly dubbed Chop Socky kung fu flick you've ever seen.

Here are some examples, during the funniest interrogation scene ever, with a comical looking FBI agent (his flamboyant mullet and ill fitting plaid sport coat had to be seen to be believed) going Jack Bauer on Indian Super Dork (ISD). IHLL is there too, looking suitably distresed and crazily fetching.

First, I'll give you what the character actually said, un-dubbed, in English. Next, in itallics, the accomanying subtitle. Keep in mind, it wasn't just the subtitles that were hilarious. The un-dubbed dialogue was nearly as meaty and satisfying....

Agent Fu: "The FBI is the stone cold best security agency in the world! You fear us!"

"The FBI is a cracker jack excellent police force. Upon reflection, you quake in terror over their presence."

ISD: "You Americans may rule the world, but India does not bark! I will abscond myself with this terror man! You watch. I am invincible!"

"America is omnipotent. India is also wonderfully thriving. I will persecute all bad men, and you will bear witness to my Indian heroism."

This one, though, this one flat out floored me....

Agent Fu: "Knock it off! You jerk! You dummy!"

"Cease your churlish resistance!"

It was fucking amazing. One piece of otherworldy dialogue after another, both in fact and in the subtitles. It was neck-and-neck, as to which was the funnier.

Another cool thing is the way they identify the Bad Guys. In this flick, all the bad guys were super easy to spot. They all sweated like pigs, for no apparent reason, and they all had full-on Michael Strahan gaps between their front teeth. They also all growled, literally growled, most of their two and three word lines.

The sudden camera zoom in, nearly to their retinas, like the final "stand off" scene in The Good, The Bad And The Ugly, that was a subtle touch too. The Bad Guys had positively feral eyes, and really oily pores, each one of 'em, and they never blink.

They're just completely pissed off, non-stop.

I never thought I would say this about anything, but for Sheer Hottie Factor Bollywood may actually have the beating of Channel 34 Telemundo style Spanish language tv.

Spanish channel soaps and game shows are simply resplendent in beautiful female flesh, shamelessly displayed. For no reason at all, the women in Spanish tv always wear cleavage heaving evening gowns to every catfight. They have a lot of catfights, too.

Still, they're mere pikers, compared to these Bollywood movie sluts.

IHLL, that chick was so goddamn exotically perfect and so audacious in her sexiness that she'd make most hookers blush.

I only watched about twenty or thirty minutes of this show, but during that short time IHLL inexplicably ripped open her sizzling hot skintight dress FOUR TIMES, simply in order to pose, mock or tease; each time, she'd be wearing an even more ludicrous set of bordello lingerie.

ISD would be berating her, calling her a whore, right in the middle of a busy city street. He was always caling her a whore. He'd call her a whore, and then he'd say how nice her body is, and she'd say, "Body?"

He'd respond, "Yes! Body!" and then, wtf, he'd begin to flex and do the gun show thing, right there in the middle of the street.

She'd then rip open her dress, stick out her hip and cup her breasts, mocking him.

"THIS body?" she'd say, and he'd respond by preening some more and touching his bicep again. She'd then turn around and pooch out her ass, and she'd sneer at him from between her splayed open thighs.

"I am not a whore! I have a body!" she'd say (huh?), as she stood there running her painted nails up and down the cleft of her ass. She's still bent at the waist, her dress long gone, having blown away down the street when she ripped it open.

Four times she did this, where she'd just rip her dress open and begin exposing and touching herself, just to make a complete non sequitur point.

Then it would get weird. Out of nowhere, they'd begin singing to each other, right there on the street, only their voices suddenly became those of Mr and Mrs Satan Lucifer. They'd be singing along, and suddenly their voices would sound like one of those "Cookie Monster" vocals from your favorite death metal bands....

"Bwoooooaooarrrrrrhhhhh!!!"

Hers, too, even. She starts off with this angelic voice, pure silk, and then, out of the blue, she becomes James Hetfield.

Then they stop singing, and they literally skip away, holding their swinging hands as they blow right through congested traffic.

She's still wearing nothing but high heels, sheer panties, a sexy bra and a smile.

The whole thing was campier than the gayest John Waters flick. Everything about it, except for the completely modern clothes and overall hotness of the women, was a good fifty years behind the times. Everything was that corny.

I guarantee you, you wouldn't have been able to turn away. Funniest half hour of tv...ever.

For all that, now I'm burping lamb vindaloo. That's a fair trade.

[Wolfman]

wow---and Van thinks that I'm senile ?

[Van]

Nope, just really slow.

[Moving Sale]

For those of you who don't know, Bollywood is the nickname of the Indian cinema industry, which, so I'm told, actually dwarfs American cinema, purely in terms of films and tv shows produced.

Mmmmm no. It is the term used to describe the movie industry of Mumbai, formerly Bombay. Bombay- Bollywood... Get it?

Of course you don't.

With 1.1 billion people just in India, plus abother seventy three billiion Indians living elsewhere around the globe, mainly here in California, yeah, I guess they be some movie watchin' fools.

I'm not sure what this says, but I'm sure it's wrong.

[smackaholic]

TiVO, just fukking kill yourself.

Your ankle biting/self ass kicking was kinda fun to watch...... for awhile.

[Van]

Wow. Identifying Bollywood with Indian cinema, and not just the cinema produced in the city of Mumbai/Bombay, why, that's just wrong!

Sincerely,
"Hollywood"

[Van]

smackie, that avatar is nails. When the story behind that dude is forgotten, people will continue to ask you about it.

Explaining it will be classic.

Filthy should have an avatar like that, of his neighbor.

[PSUFAN]

In related news, today I went to a seminar on the CMU campus...and was dazzled by crowds of HOT young subcontinent ladies. I kept it together for a bit, but by the end of the day I was straight up leering. Headed back for another session tomorrow...

[Moving Sale]

self ass kicking

Being right is "self ass kicking" in your book? That's good to know.

Van,
Nothing big, just another case of me being right and you being wrong.

Carry on.

[Van]

No, actually, you were entirely wrong and I wasn't the least bit wrong. In the world of cinema "Bollywood" is synonymous with "generic Indian cinema," regardless of whether it was literally produced in Mumbai.

It's no different than generic American cinema being referred to as "Hollywood," despite the fact that so much of American cinema isn't produced in the city of Hollywood.

When people speak of "Hollywood movies," "the way it's done in Hollywood," "becoming a Hollywood star," "what's new from Hollywood," etc, they aren't confining it to what is produced literally in the city of Hollywood.

No, they're describing the big picture of large scale American film and tv. The term is meant to differentiate "Hollywood" from movies and tv produced by other countries, along with smaller independent productions, which may also be produced in the city of Hollywood.

Even something that was filmed in Africa can still be a "Hollywood" movie.

No, what this is would correctly be labeled as another instance of you coming in merely to nitpick at me, with no point worth making, and failing miserably in the attempt. This would be another of those instances where people just shake their heads and say about you, "Why? Why did he bother, if that's all he had?"

[smackaholic]

We have a handful of subcontinent hotties at work. Nothing quite "impossibly hot", but a few that are close. There is one around my age (mid fourties) that quote possibly could have been "IH" sometime during the reagan administration.

I would put Indian hotties right up there with any other group, as a whole.

Trouble is, they are just about impossible to bed. If you can score native hindu pussy, you have serious game.

[Van]

Why must she be "native?" Just grab the rebellious, Americanized daughter who would rather be waterboarded than be seen going to temple. She'll be the best of both worlds. She'll look the part, with the smoky eyes, silky hair and perfect skin, plus she shaves down that huge bush, she dresses "stylishly slutty" and she's always out to prove she can out-perform any blonde slut.

[LTS TRN 2]

Van, that's quite a write up over a barely interesting event. And "Bollywood"of course refers to the Mumbai movie production, period. An interesting feature of that mamouth industry is that virtually all of the dance routines are choreographed by one woman. She's tireless, the process of blocking and rehearsal makes an assembly line look like a Faberge studio.

[Van]

Van, that's quite a write up over a barely interesting event.

Wasn't it, though?



Even as morose and humorless as you usually are, I guarantee you would've busted up over the dialogue and subtitles. You also would've busted up over how horribly campy everything was.

And "Bollywood"of course refers to the Mumbai movie production, period.

Which pretty much covers all generic Indian cinema.

Thanks, MA.

An interesting feature of that mamouth industry is that virtually all of the dance routines are choreographed by one woman. She's tireless, the process of blocking and rehearsal makes an assembly line look like a Faberge studio.

She's not only tireless, she's retarded, if she choreographed that crazy mess I saw yesterday.

On a serious note, my best friend from the time I was seven is a Sikh. We grew up together, and because his parents were far stricter than mine I spent a lot more time at his house than he did at mine. As such, I've been watching "Bollywood" and eating Indian food nearly my whole life.

Even my buddy laughs at a lot of that "Bollywood" crap, whereas his parents still don't get why younger, Americanized people think it's all so horribly cornball and hilarious.

[LTS TRN 2]

Okay, it does seem pretty weird, especially for the usually prudent standards of Bollywood. But, there is definitely no such thing as "generic" Indian anything. The sheer diversity of that giant packed subcontinent is beyond that of Europe, say, and Bollywood films are not the same as movies that might be made elsewhere.

[Van]

Whatever the percentage may be of mainstream Indian cinema that isn't covered by the basic catch-all phrase of "Bollywood," it's not very large. The vast majority of mainstream Indian cinema falls under the "Bollywood" umbrella, and for these purposes the term certainly suffices.

Anyway, look at the title of this thread, which was the point of this thread. Imagine an FBI interrogator who looks and dresses like Doug Moe, barking out that line.

Funny is funny, by any name.

[LTS TRN 2]

Right..well that is some goofball shit--but who was re-writing, or "translating," the actual spoken English into the new copy--and for who's benefit? Those who can read but not yet pick up spoken English? Anyway it's not that funny, but I'll assume you were baked and having a larf riot, etc.

[smackaholic]

Why must she be "native?" Just grab the rebellious, Americanized daughter who would rather be waterboarded than be seen going to temple. She'll be the best of both worlds. She'll look the part, with the smoky eyes, silky hair and perfect skin, plus she shaves down that huge bush, she dresses "stylishly slutty" and she's always out to prove she can out-perform any blonde slut.

Reading comp not your strong suite, van?

As I said, you are just overflowing with game IF you can bed a native. Of course the americanized daughter will be easier, but, I still think they have enough of their culture beaten into them to make it a bit tougher than bagging some puerto rican chick.

[Van]

smackie, okay, I'll grant you that. You'll need more game, although from the looks of the way the chicks dress and behave in these Indian flicks bagging a native ought to be easier than walking into a whorehouse with a fistful of hundies and landing the fat noob sulking behind some couch cushions.

Nick, since you commented on the length of what I wrote, damn, the least you could do would be to get it right. A lot of what I'm talking about wasn't the subtitles. The characters were speaking that nonsense, in clear English. The crazy subtitles were just a bonus.

[Moving Sale]

No, actually, you were entirely wrong and I wasn't the least bit wrong. In the world of cinema "Bollywood" is synonymous with "generic Indian cinema," regardless of whether it was literally produced in Mumbai.

Wrong wrong wrong. Bollywood is not synonymous with generic Indian cinema. There are many different aspects to Indian movie making. There is Karnataka for one. Karnataka movies are sometimes called Sandalwood movies. Is the light going on Van? Why would there be a "wood" name for other Indian movies if Bollywood was synonymous with generic Indian cinema? Shall I go on? Let's do that. You've heard of Satyajit Ray no doubt? You haven't? The hell you say. Satyajit Ray is no more a part of Bollywood than you are a part of the Mensas. I could go on with Telugu&Tamil but you don't even know your Cav from your Pag so why bother.

It's no different than generic American cinema being referred to as "Hollywood," despite the fact that so much of American cinema isn't produced in the city of Hollywood.

Karnataka is to Bollywood what Indie is to Hollywood. Lights yet?

When people speak of "Hollywood movies," "the way it's done in Hollywood," "becoming a Hollywood star," "what's new from Hollywood," etc, they aren't confining it to what is produced literally in the city of Hollywood.

The way it is done in Bollywood is not the way it is done in Kollywood. <-- Not a typo.

Finish being schooled yet? Then I'll go on.

The term is meant to differentiate "Hollywood" from movies and tv produced by other countries, along with smaller independent productions, which may also be produced in the city of Hollywood.

And the term Bollywood is used to differentiate it from Tollywood. <-- Not a typo.

No, what this is would correctly be labeled as another instance of you coming in merely to nitpick at me, with no point worth making, and failing miserably in the attempt. This would be another of those instances where people just shake their heads and say about you...

The point worth making is that you were wrong. I thought by now you would be smart enough to not doubt me and that you might know what the fuck you were talking about before you chimed in again, but once again you are stupidity that keeps on flowing.

"Why? Why did he bother, if that's all he had?"

What can I say? I like being right.

[Van]

You just re-stated what I already said. Generic, well known, mainstream cinema, vs independent cinema. Hollywood and Bollywood, being the most well known, generic cinema from either country.

What I posted about was an example of "Bollywood," just as I said it was.

What you posted about was nitpicking, to no end, just as I said it was.

As with your trees boondoggle and your ridiculous compass squirt, your only point for posting in this thread was to attempt to stroke yourself by interjecting stupid minutiae that wasn't worth posting. You simply wanted to say, "Hey, look at ME! I'M talking compass coordinates, and tissue samples! Aren't I CLEVER?"

You just look really lame.

TVO, you're sometimes so obvious and cloying, fuck, if you were a guitar John Belushi would stare at you, genuflect and then smash you.

[Moving Sale]

Bollywood is NOT, I repeat, NOT generic for Indian cinema. It is a different and distinct part of the overall Indian movie industry. The only people who think it is a generic term for Indian movies is fuckfaced tards like you. The Indian Movie industry is not set up like our system with a distinct center. That is just not how it works. YOU, being a dumbass, think that because it is the biggest that it is the center, like Hollywood, but it's not. Once again you lose.

You REALLY want to get back to how you said SR was north of Mt Tam or your knowledge of Botany?

Bring it fool.

[Tom In VA]

Since you know the movie industry so well in India, is there any good India pron ? I mean those eyes on those broads, whoa, step back. Make for some good "Eye Contact" series, know what I mean ?

[Moving Sale]

Since you know the movie industry so well in India, is there any good India pron ?

VERY little mainstream stuff. The big craze right now is Indiangirl on Westerngirl homemade porn. Shit is flooding the market. Before that it was mostly stuff that was produced elsewhere and was then imported to India.

I mean those eyes on those broads, whoa, step back. Make for some good "Eye Contact" series, know what I mean ?

Priya Rai: Porn Valley via New Delhi.

I will adhere to the rules if Van throws up a (!)

[Van]

You REALLY want to get back to how you said SR was north of Mt Tam or your knowledge of Botany?

Nah. Nobody cares, and I know what I wrote, and I know where they are in relation to each other, and I'm also aware of how you continue to intentionally misinterpret it.

It's a worthless topic. I'm sure we're both well sick of the subject, as well as the trees subject.

I'll see what I can do about adding the (!) to the title, but Priya Rai is just way too damn plastic. She might as well be a C level fake blonde in gloryhole booth porn, her beachball fake tits are so hideous. I don't know any other names of Indian porn chicks, but she's not even worth mentioning, compared to the beauty of so many others.

Hereafter, I cede all knowledge of Indian porn (and all porn, and all cinema worldwide, porn or otherwise) to our esteemed Porn Expert From SLO.

Sir, the floor is yours....

[Moving Sale]

Priya Rai is just way too damn plastic.

He was asking about her eyes. Why I don't know but he was. Van, Her eyes are not plastic.

I don't know any other names of Indian porn chicks, but she's not even worth mentioning, compared to the beauty of so many others.

She's not the best for sure. I'll try and do better.

Hereafter, I cede all knowledge of ... all cinema worldwide ... to our esteemed ... Expert From SLO.

Here Here.

Sir, the floor is yours....

Sir? I laughed.

Pyria

Anjali

[Van]

It's "hear hear," but since that last chick is beginning to drip splooge you're eminently forgiven.

You're gonna wanna stab me in the head again for saying this, but while Rai does have amazing eyes (don't all Indian hotties?) she sorta ruins them for me with her painfully tweezed ghetto brows. I hate that sleazy porn chick/ghetto latina look, when a woman tweezes her brows down to a phony looking Tammy Faye painted in effort.

[Moving Sale]

It's "hear hear,"

I guess I didn't project that one well enough. I'll try harder next time.

You're gonna wanna stab me in the head again for saying this, but while Rai does have amazing eyes (don't all Indian hotties?) she sorta ruins them for me with her painfully tweezed ghetto brows.

I'm going to aim for your eyes so we don't have to go thru this ever again.

Good Gawd Van.

[Van]

Hey, I'm actually very easy to please, where a woman's looks are concerned....

Just leave it alone. Neatly trim the bushy bits, shave bare the moist bits; otherwise, leave everything else alone. Real hair, real lips, real eyebrows, real breasts, real skin tone, including no stupid tats.

Just leave it alone. Easy. Couldn't be easier.

[smackaholic]

The dicksucker on that chick looks like it was peeled off TiVO's inflatable girlfriend.

I will pretty much second Van's coments on women. Gawd or the spaghetti monster or whoever, pretty much knew what he was doing. Only difference is, I kinda like the moist bits a little fury. But, then again, I might change my tune if I could talk the OL into breaking out the razor down there.

[Van]

Gawd or the spaghetti monster or whoever

The moist bits need to be bare. I don't mind a little bit of a welcome mat above, just for the visual contrast through sheer panties, but from the top of the slit to the top of the ass crack it all needs to be as freshly waxed clean as Wolfie's cognitive skills.

[LTS TRN 2]

Thanks, Mover, for setting Van straight about the use of "Bollywood" and the actual variety of Indian movie making. Why he thinks the provided dialogue is whacky, funny, memorable, or in any way deserving of mention remains a mystery. Whatever.

[Van]

See, Nick, had I instead written about watching some rivetingly hilarious tv news report concerning Jewish lobbyists on Capitol Hill you'd soil yourself with mirth and fascination. That's just how you roll, so in the future I'll try to make sure to always consult with you first as to what is and isn't funny.

'Cause as we all know, Nick is all about funny.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

The dicksucker on that chick looks like it was peeled off TiVO's inflatable girlfriend.

That'll rack.

[titlover]

Van: Wabbit season!!!

Midget: Duck season!!!

[Moving Sale]

Van: Wabbit season!!!

Midget: Duck season!!!

I get it. I'm 5 10 which makes me a midget. Dude you are a fucking riot!

[titlover]

Van: Wabbit season!!!

Midget: Duck season!!!

I get it. I'm 5 10 which makes me a midget. Dude you are a fucking riot!

no, actually you aren't a midget technically. it's funnier to overexaggerate your shortness. haha.

[Moving Sale]

no, actually you aren't a midget technically. it's funnier to overexaggerate your shortness. haha.

Sin,
5th Grade