Joke

[FLW Buckeye]

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor," Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise" says the doctor.

The new mother is somewhat relieved, "Wow, that's a really beautiful name."

"I guess I was wrong about my brother," she thought...."I really like Denise."

Then she asks, " What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, " Denephew."

[FLW Buckeye]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine." "Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[FLW Buckeye]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...then added, 'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden'.

[FLW Buckeye]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Imus]

A guy gets out of the shower and is shaving, with no clothes on.

His 10 year old daughter comes in the bathroom, and looking at his dong, says "Gee Daddy what's that??"

Daddy: "That is my penis little darling."

Girl: "Oooohh when do I get one?"

Daddy: "In about 20 minutes as soon as your mother goes to the store."

[Imus]

Mickey Mouse (get it? this thread?) is taking Minnie mouse to court for divorce.

Judge: "Now Mickey let me get this straight. You say Minnie is crazy?"

Mickey: "No judge, I said she was fucking Goofy."