Forever stuck in the depths of defeat
Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 2:19 am
There is just something about an NFL franchise with the first name 'Houston' on its name plate that makes them so god damn frustrating to watch.
It all starts with Oilers joining the NFL in 1970 along with the rest of the AFL. They were stuck as bottom feeders for the better part of the early '70s. They sucked badly.
This would be level #1 of frustration. You suck so bad, nobody can really recall your first few years in the NFL.
Then the days of Earl Campbell blew in and there was hope. However, those hopes were crushed when the Pittsburgh Steelers decided to become a dynasty and Mike Renfro's touchdown catch was called incomplete.
This is the second level of frustration; AFC Championship appearances obliterated by the likes of one of the greatest dynasties in sport and one bad call by the zebras.
Another handful of years balls deep in the loss column followed by the departure of the franchise's greatest player.
Level #3 of frustration. It's now come to a slow boil. People are getting upset.
The popular acquisition of CFL star Warren Moon brings the water temp back below 242 degrees. Under Glanville's direction, the Oilers had moderate success by winning a couple of first round playoff games only to get their asses handed to them in the second round.
Frustration level stuck between level 2 and 3.
Glanville is given the boot and now its Jack Pardee's turn with his Run N' Shoot offense. The '90s look like it's going to be the Oilers decade. In '91, they win their first round game against the Jets with great play by the Oilers defense. Second matchup at Denver and the Oilers have a 24-16 lead over the Donks midway through the 4th quarter. John fucking Elway leads an unlikely comeback and beat the Slicks 26-24. Fuck.
Alright. 1992 season begins. Warren Moon goes off. He is fucking brilliant that year. Oilers finish 11-5 and their first division title in 24 years. 24 FUCKING YEARS!!!! Despite all the success, the Oilers still had to play a WC game on the road against Buffalo. Ah, but it's a Jim Kelly-less Bills team and Warren Moon is unstoppable. First half is all Oilers. Warren Moon is a fucking manchild throwing for 200+ yards and 4 TDs. 28-3 at halftime. Just over a minute into the 3rd qtr and Bubba McDowell intercepts a pass and takes it to the house for a 35-3. Lead. I turned the game off and played some Madden on my Sega Genesis. The game was over. I turn off Madden and flip the game back on. It's 38-38 in overtime. WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Nate Odomes picks it off and the Oilers fucking LOSE it. It was the biggest comeback in NFL history. FUCK YOU OILERS!!! FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
Frustration level reached defcon 1 momentarily, but I got over it.
1993. Bud Adams is threatening to dismantle the team if they can't make it deeper into the playoffs. He is also threatening to move the team if a new stadium isn't built. What a dick. Oilers start off the season 1-4. Included in that miserable start to the season was a lackluster performance on MNF against the Bills. This town has pretty much written them off. I can't wait for the Rockets to start. The Oilers then reel off 11 straight wins and Buddy Ryan is punching out Kevin Gilbride on National TV. All is good. We win the division and get a first round bye. We have a lead early in the 4th quarter against the Chiefs only to have Joe Montana go Joe Montana on us. Fuck again.
Frustration level mounts again to a whole new level only to be treated with a Rockets championship and subdued temporarily.
Adams completely dismantles the team and 1994 is an afterthought. 2-14 season. They suck again.
1995 and '96 didn't really belong to the Houston Oilers as Bud Adams said the team was moving to Nashville after the city failed to agree to build him a new domed stadium near downtown. The Oilers no longer belonged to Houston and Bud Adams is a piece of shit.
1997-2001 this city is without an NFL franchise. It sux, but the Rockets and Astros have mild success to keep our attention off of it enough to get us by.
In between that time, Bob McNair furiously rallied to snatch the 32nd NFL franchise from LA after the NFL just handed it over to LA without any direction from that piece of shit city. McNair offered $700 million and got his wish.
The Houston Texans are here and they are queer!
David Carr slowly progressed into a halfway decent QB through the first 3 years while the Texans slowly took steps towards success. Coming off a 7-9 season, the Texans made some questionable personnel moves and all the fans were kind of skeptical of the season. It turns out our skepticism was dead on and the Texans took 3 steps back by turning in a 2-14 season.
Exit Capers and Casserly. Enter Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith.
The frustration reaches new limits when the Texans decide to draft Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and hometown hero Vince Young. Everyone was pissed. But it worked out and the Texans seemed to be on the right path after a promising 6-10 season without any help from David Carr.
Carr gets the boot and Matt Schaub is our new man. After two 8-8 seasons that could've been so much better, we are this year's talk as the sleeper team in the AFC. We're the trendy pick by all these "experts".
Now, after all that talk, lets analyze what the Texans have done to justify them being a contender this year.
They haven't done a god damn thing to back up all the preseason talk. Not a fucking thing at all. After a loss to the Jets to open the season, they bounced back and pulled out an incredible win against the Titans in Tennessee. It turns out that win really meant nothing as the Titans are 0-4 to this point in the season. Then the Texans fumble on the goaline and lose to the Jags to fall to 1-2. After a cupcake win over the Raiders last week, they have a late Sunday afternoon showdown against the Arizona Cardinals in Glendale. After trailing 21-0 late in the 3rd qtr, the Texans fight and claw back to tie the game 21-21 midway through the 4th quarter. The defense was fucking stout in the 2nd half. Mario Williams makes a big 3rd down play and hits Warner as he releases the ball. Texans get the ball back and start driving down the field. Things are starting to look up, right? WRONG! Matt Sleepy Shaub throws a pick six to Rodgers-Cromartie and the Texans are down 28-21 with 2:57 left to play. FUCK!!!
It's okay, we still have time. Big kick return by Andre Davis puts the Texans in business. They march right down the field and are faced with 2nd and goal from the 1. Give it to the big bruiser Chris Brown. Stuffed. 3rd and goal from the 1-half yardline. Beautiful playfake and Shaub overthrows a wide open Joel Dressen in the back of the endzone. Dressen tried to make a helluva play on it, but he couldn't get both feet down. 4th and goal. Give it to the big bruiser Chris Brown. Stuffed again. Game over. Houston loses.
This is getting to be too much for me.
After all these years of invested time and money into Houston NFL franchises, I am beginning to lose control of my emotions when I watch a game. I am beginning to scare myself when shit like Sunday happens. My wife even pointed out that I turned seven different shades of red this afternoon. It reminded me of Bill Cosby describing his wife having a conniption when she dragged her half-awake ass down the stairs only to discover that Bill was serving the kids chocolate cake for breakfast. My head literally split into two. Total Recall.
I may have to resort to padding my game room and draping myself in attire out of the Hannibal Lector clothing line. If the Texans keep this up, then Sally Field's portrayal of 'Cybil' will be considered pedestrian when I finally lose it.
It all starts with Oilers joining the NFL in 1970 along with the rest of the AFL. They were stuck as bottom feeders for the better part of the early '70s. They sucked badly.
This would be level #1 of frustration. You suck so bad, nobody can really recall your first few years in the NFL.
Then the days of Earl Campbell blew in and there was hope. However, those hopes were crushed when the Pittsburgh Steelers decided to become a dynasty and Mike Renfro's touchdown catch was called incomplete.
This is the second level of frustration; AFC Championship appearances obliterated by the likes of one of the greatest dynasties in sport and one bad call by the zebras.
Another handful of years balls deep in the loss column followed by the departure of the franchise's greatest player.
Level #3 of frustration. It's now come to a slow boil. People are getting upset.
The popular acquisition of CFL star Warren Moon brings the water temp back below 242 degrees. Under Glanville's direction, the Oilers had moderate success by winning a couple of first round playoff games only to get their asses handed to them in the second round.
Frustration level stuck between level 2 and 3.
Glanville is given the boot and now its Jack Pardee's turn with his Run N' Shoot offense. The '90s look like it's going to be the Oilers decade. In '91, they win their first round game against the Jets with great play by the Oilers defense. Second matchup at Denver and the Oilers have a 24-16 lead over the Donks midway through the 4th quarter. John fucking Elway leads an unlikely comeback and beat the Slicks 26-24. Fuck.
Alright. 1992 season begins. Warren Moon goes off. He is fucking brilliant that year. Oilers finish 11-5 and their first division title in 24 years. 24 FUCKING YEARS!!!! Despite all the success, the Oilers still had to play a WC game on the road against Buffalo. Ah, but it's a Jim Kelly-less Bills team and Warren Moon is unstoppable. First half is all Oilers. Warren Moon is a fucking manchild throwing for 200+ yards and 4 TDs. 28-3 at halftime. Just over a minute into the 3rd qtr and Bubba McDowell intercepts a pass and takes it to the house for a 35-3. Lead. I turned the game off and played some Madden on my Sega Genesis. The game was over. I turn off Madden and flip the game back on. It's 38-38 in overtime. WHAT?!?! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!? Nate Odomes picks it off and the Oilers fucking LOSE it. It was the biggest comeback in NFL history. FUCK YOU OILERS!!! FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!
Frustration level reached defcon 1 momentarily, but I got over it.
1993. Bud Adams is threatening to dismantle the team if they can't make it deeper into the playoffs. He is also threatening to move the team if a new stadium isn't built. What a dick. Oilers start off the season 1-4. Included in that miserable start to the season was a lackluster performance on MNF against the Bills. This town has pretty much written them off. I can't wait for the Rockets to start. The Oilers then reel off 11 straight wins and Buddy Ryan is punching out Kevin Gilbride on National TV. All is good. We win the division and get a first round bye. We have a lead early in the 4th quarter against the Chiefs only to have Joe Montana go Joe Montana on us. Fuck again.
Frustration level mounts again to a whole new level only to be treated with a Rockets championship and subdued temporarily.
Adams completely dismantles the team and 1994 is an afterthought. 2-14 season. They suck again.
1995 and '96 didn't really belong to the Houston Oilers as Bud Adams said the team was moving to Nashville after the city failed to agree to build him a new domed stadium near downtown. The Oilers no longer belonged to Houston and Bud Adams is a piece of shit.
1997-2001 this city is without an NFL franchise. It sux, but the Rockets and Astros have mild success to keep our attention off of it enough to get us by.
In between that time, Bob McNair furiously rallied to snatch the 32nd NFL franchise from LA after the NFL just handed it over to LA without any direction from that piece of shit city. McNair offered $700 million and got his wish.
The Houston Texans are here and they are queer!
David Carr slowly progressed into a halfway decent QB through the first 3 years while the Texans slowly took steps towards success. Coming off a 7-9 season, the Texans made some questionable personnel moves and all the fans were kind of skeptical of the season. It turns out our skepticism was dead on and the Texans took 3 steps back by turning in a 2-14 season.
Exit Capers and Casserly. Enter Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith.
The frustration reaches new limits when the Texans decide to draft Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and hometown hero Vince Young. Everyone was pissed. But it worked out and the Texans seemed to be on the right path after a promising 6-10 season without any help from David Carr.
Carr gets the boot and Matt Schaub is our new man. After two 8-8 seasons that could've been so much better, we are this year's talk as the sleeper team in the AFC. We're the trendy pick by all these "experts".
Now, after all that talk, lets analyze what the Texans have done to justify them being a contender this year.
They haven't done a god damn thing to back up all the preseason talk. Not a fucking thing at all. After a loss to the Jets to open the season, they bounced back and pulled out an incredible win against the Titans in Tennessee. It turns out that win really meant nothing as the Titans are 0-4 to this point in the season. Then the Texans fumble on the goaline and lose to the Jags to fall to 1-2. After a cupcake win over the Raiders last week, they have a late Sunday afternoon showdown against the Arizona Cardinals in Glendale. After trailing 21-0 late in the 3rd qtr, the Texans fight and claw back to tie the game 21-21 midway through the 4th quarter. The defense was fucking stout in the 2nd half. Mario Williams makes a big 3rd down play and hits Warner as he releases the ball. Texans get the ball back and start driving down the field. Things are starting to look up, right? WRONG! Matt Sleepy Shaub throws a pick six to Rodgers-Cromartie and the Texans are down 28-21 with 2:57 left to play. FUCK!!!
It's okay, we still have time. Big kick return by Andre Davis puts the Texans in business. They march right down the field and are faced with 2nd and goal from the 1. Give it to the big bruiser Chris Brown. Stuffed. 3rd and goal from the 1-half yardline. Beautiful playfake and Shaub overthrows a wide open Joel Dressen in the back of the endzone. Dressen tried to make a helluva play on it, but he couldn't get both feet down. 4th and goal. Give it to the big bruiser Chris Brown. Stuffed again. Game over. Houston loses.
This is getting to be too much for me.
After all these years of invested time and money into Houston NFL franchises, I am beginning to lose control of my emotions when I watch a game. I am beginning to scare myself when shit like Sunday happens. My wife even pointed out that I turned seven different shades of red this afternoon. It reminded me of Bill Cosby describing his wife having a conniption when she dragged her half-awake ass down the stairs only to discover that Bill was serving the kids chocolate cake for breakfast. My head literally split into two. Total Recall.
I may have to resort to padding my game room and draping myself in attire out of the Hannibal Lector clothing line. If the Texans keep this up, then Sally Field's portrayal of 'Cybil' will be considered pedestrian when I finally lose it.
