Jeremy Kyle is coming.

[Nishlord]

You'll remember that I was the one who gave you advance notice about Simon Cowell back in the day. Now I'm going to do it again.



That, people, is Jeremy Kyle. He does a Maury-like thing on national British television in the morning, and he's about to bring it to America. Unlike American shows of its ilk, Jeremy Kyle is not allowed to show fighting. Instead, the participants are encouraged to reason over the problems that have brought them to the programme. The resultant footage is like watching rhinoceroses attempting to play chess. With Jeremy shouting at them.

Observe the following footage, chums, and prepare to cast all your vile aspersions about the Mother Country into the dustbin of history. Especially the slur about our dental health. I've deliberately picked one with subtitles, all the better for you Colonials to learn how the English language should be properly vocalised.

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[smackaholic]

nish!!!!!

it's about time you dragged your pasty arse back into this dump.

how ya been, mate?

i was afraid you had succumbed to the muslim horde currently over running your miserable little rock of a country.

can't imagine your brand of humor will go over well once sharia law is officially established.

[Nishlord]

I don't know what they drink, but I do know it inevitably ends up soaked into the mattress.

But, no matter. As even the most misogynist board member will testify, the true strength of a race lies in the character of its woman. Observe, then, the quiet, elegant dignity of the English Mother;

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[Mikey]

programme

It really IS you...

(or a Missjo troll?)

[Nishlord]

Oh, it's me alright.

Oh, and Cuda? Has your mother-sister told you about your long-lost British brother yet? His 'smack' is as impervious as yours...

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[smackaholic]

I hope that show is well watched, so that miserable sad excuse for a man has his head beaten in every where he goes.

I actually think the DNA results might be wrong though as the only part of that bloke's story I believed was that he did come over to help decorate.