T1B

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat comes back to the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit and stands there /au naturel/. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything becoming alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

D+

From my son,

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have any guts.


He's five. What's your excuse Mikey?

I was trying to see if I could match sfaf for dumbness.

Excuse deemed valid.

I never do anything without a reason.

Maybe not a good reason, but a reason nevertheless.

KC Scott wrote:...colapsed...

KC Scott wrote:Gary Coleman actually suffered multiple brain hemorrhages the day he colapsed

He died from different strokes

Brett Michaels' publicist issued a similar statement when asked why Brett was still touring

R-Jackmeofflittlegirl goes into a drug store and asks the clerk for some condoms for he pre-pubescent daughter.

The clerk replies: "You're pre-pubescent daughter is sexually active?"

R-Jackmeofflittlegirl responds: "No she just lays there like her mother."

I'm glad somebody got it, Roach, and it was definitely a C&P. I thought it was funny first time I read it and so did my family when I read it to them.

But then, they all know music.

I got it off the 1st Marine Division Band website. The band played at our high school's spring band concert on Saturday, along with our symphonic band and the jazz band, which my boy plays in.

The Marine band was definite

I give it a C-. And yes, I get the musical references. Sounds like something from Kip Addotta, he of Wet Dream fame.

Life in the Slaw Lane by Kip Addotta

It was Cucumber the first; summer was over.
I had just spinached a long day and I was busheled.
I'm the kinda guy that works hard for his celery and I don't mind telling you I was feeling a bit wilted.
But I didn't carrot all. 'Cause, otherwise, things were vine.
I try never to disparagus and I don't sweat the truffles.
I'm outstanding in my field and I know something good will turnip eventually.
A bunch of things were going grape, and soon, I'd be top banana.
At least, that's my peeling.
But that's enough corn; lend me your ear and lettuce continue:
After dressing, I stalked on over to the grain station.
I got there just in lime to catch the nine-elemon as it plowed toward the core of Appleton,
a lentil more than a melon-and-a-half Yeast of Cloveland.

CHORUS
Life in the slaw lane.
They say plants can't feel no pain.
Life in the slaw lane.
I've got news for you:
They're just as frail as you.

No one got off at Zucchini, so we continued on a rutaBaga.
Passing my usual stop, I got avoCado.
I hailed a passing Yellow Cabbage and told the driver to cart me off to Broccolyn.
I was going to meet my brother across from the eggplant where he had a job at the Saffron station pumpkin gas.
As soon as I saw his face, I knew he was in a yam.
He told me his wife had been raisin cane. Her name was Peaches:
a soiled but radishing beauty with HUGE goards.
My brother had always been a chestnut, but I could neve figured out why she picked him.
He was a skinny little string bean who had always suffered from cerebral parsley.
It was in our roots.
Sure, we had tried to weed it out, but the problem still romained.
He was used to having a tough row to how, but it irrigated me to see Artichoke,
and it bothered my brother to see his marriage going to seed.

CHORUS

Like most mapled couples, they had a lot of grilling to do.
Sure, they'd sown their wild oats, but just barley if you peas.
Finally, Peaches had given him an ultomato. She said, "I'm hip to your chive,
and you don't stop smoking that herb, I'm gonna leaf ya for Basil, ya fruit!"
He said he didn't realize it had kumquat so far.
Onion other hand, even though Peaches could be the pits, I knew she'd never call the fuzz.

CHORUS

So I said, "Hay, we're not farm from the Mushroom! Let's walk over."
He said, "That's a very rice place. That's the same little bar where alfalfa my wife!"
When we got there, I pulled up a cherry and tried to produce small talk.
I told him I haven't seen Olive; not since I shelled off for a trip to Macadamia when I told her, "We cantaloupe."
The time just wasn't ripe.
She knew what I mint.
When we left the Mushroom, we were pretty well-juiced.
I told Arti to say hello to the boysenBerry and that I'd orange to see him another thyme.
Well, it all came out in the morning peppers:
Arti caught Peaches that night with Basil, and Arti beat Basil bad,
leaving him with two beautiful acres.
Peaches? She was found in the garden; she'd been pruned.

CHORUS

Well, my little story is okra now.
Maybe it's small potatoes. Me? Idaho.
My name? Wheat. My friends call me "Kernel".
And that's life in the slaw lane.
Thank you so mulch.

CHORUS

It's a garden out there!

I thought it was funny first time I read it and so did my family when I read it to them.

Simpletons. Each and every one of you.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he
goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came
home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Fuck...

Smackaholic wins, his joke really hit a chord with me.

Moving Sale wrote:R-Jackmeofflittlegirl goes into a drug store and asks the clerk for some condoms for he pre-pubescent daughter.

The clerk replies: "You're pre-pubescent daughter is sexually active?"

R-Jackmeofflittlegirl responds: "No she just lays there like her mother."

nice reset of a bad joke I dropped on smackchat when I first joined back in 2001

missjo wrote:

"No she just lays there like her mother."

nice reset of a bad joke I dropped on smackchat when I first joined back in 2001

Isn't that a Dangerfield joke? It certainly sounds like his general theme. You know, like, "My wife says sex with me is a religious experience...as soon as it starts she's praying for it to be over!"

Here's one of my favorite Rodney jokes:

I wanted to cut down on smoking, so my wife said we should only smoke after sex. I haven't had a puff in six months...she's up to two packs a day!

OCmike wrote:I wanted to cut down on smoking, so my wife said we should only smoke after sex. I haven't had a puff in six months...she's up to two packs a day!

I didn't say it was a good joke, facefucker, I said it was one of my favorite Rodney jokes.

Most of his jokes were retarded, but the guy's delivery made them funny.

missjo wrote: nice reset of a bad joke I dropped on smackchat when I first joined back in 2001

And your reset was a rest 'cause I dropped it in 1997 at SCI. Stick that in the folds of your belly and chew on it.

Moving Sale wrote:

missjo wrote: nice reset of a bad joke I dropped on smackchat when I first joined back in 2001

And your reset was a rest 'cause I dropped it in 1997 at SCI. Stick that in the folds of your belly and chew on it.

And your reset was a reset because I posted it on alt.binaries.sickjokes in the mid-80s. I think I originally heard it in high school in the late 60s. Stick that up your ass you tedious munchkin.

Goober McTuber wrote: I think I originally heard it in high school in the late 60s.

Thanks for they input you wrinkled old prune.

Moving Sale wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote: I think I originally heard it in high school in the late 60s.

Thanks for they input you wrinkled old prune.

Idiot.

That's all you got? Senial old fuck much?

When you file a brief with the court, does it come back to you from the judge with a bunch of red markings all over it and a D- scribbled up in the corner? I mean, it’s not like you can spin that as a typo, the “y” on the keyboard is nowhere near the “e” or the spacebar. Just every day, garden variety stupid.

When you go to visit your mom in the cemetery does the undertaker measure you up and mention how he'll see you soon?
When you are on the bottom rung of the smack ladder do you get all stepped on and stuff by cuda, dins and their minions?
Do you know what a legal secretary is?

Get back to me if you are EVER able to pull your head out of your cumsoaked ass.

So you admit that you can't string together two coherent sentences? Nice.

Mom's alive and well and living in Florida, BTW.

And you discussing anyone's position on the "smack ladder" will never not be funny.

Keep swinging, Moving Flail.

Goober McTuber wrote:So you admit that you can't string together two coherent sentences? Nice.

Huh? Too much crack this morning?

Mom's alive and well and living in Florida, BTW.

Dude you are a million years old. Your mom has been dead since the 16th Century. That lady is not your mom, she just a shrivled up old hag that is paid to keep you company since no one else will go near you let alone act like they care.

And you discussing anyone's position on the "smack ladder" will never not be funny.

IKUABWAI? And just when I thought you could not look any dumber.

Now pull the dick out of your ear and try and post something worth reading.

Moving Sale wrote:

Goober McTuber wrote:So you admit that you can't string together two coherent sentences? Nice.

Huh? Too much crack this morning?

I asked if the judge had to correct your paperwork. To which you replied, "Do you know what a legal secretary is?" Is this pretty hard for you to follow?

I get that you are old and the senile is starting to hit you like a black guy 'visiting' mvskkkal on a Friday night, but a legal secretary is used to type stuff up either from instructions from the Attorney or from dictation. They have nothing to do with stringing sentences together and neither did your 'awsome grammer smack post.' Now drink your warm milk and get ready for your afternoon nap you cum swilling cock catcher.

Moving Sale wrote:you cum swilling cock catcher.

Goober will cock catch as cock catch can. Moving Bowel just sucks cock.


maybe my best post ever.

Sirfindafold wrote:
maybe my best post ever.

Possibly, and is still sucks big fat donkey dicks. Throw your computer in a lake and save us all the bandwidth.

Moving Sale wrote: ...IKUABWAI?

/s/

You-know-where

Moving Sale wrote:a legal secretary is used to type stuff up either from instructions from the Attorney or from dictation.

If she gets her instructions from you, her work probably resembles your posts here, but with many less spelling errors. You must be widely recognized as the stupidest attorney in the county. Props on making Derron seem erudite by comparison.

Goober McTuber wrote: If she gets her instructions from you, her work probably resembles your posts here, but with many less spelling errors. You must be widely recognized as the stupidest attorney in the county. Props on making Derron seem erudite by comparison.

That's right I act the same way in RL as I do here. If you were any dumber your head would rot from lack of O2 and fall of.
Now get back to flipping burgers or whatever it is you do to fill in after you get your meager SSI payment you stupid old fuck.

Oh, you're just pretending to be semi-literate here?



Sure you are.

Moving Sale wrote:That's right I act the same way in RL as I do here.

I don't doubt that you do. It's not like you have a choice, you tedious little fuckwit.

mvscal wrote:Oh, you're just pretending to be semi-literate here?

A) When did you stop taking black dick up your ass you stupid racist cumcicle?
B) And even if it were true I still beat you to a brown pulp, daily, so how does it feel to get your ass handed to you, daily, by a "semi-literate?"

GMcT,
Acting like a denser version of wolfman is not a trait you should be promoting you stupid blue haired dick polisher.