T1B

Once again, I'm here to rescue this shithole.

Here you go:

A guy is walking a tightrope between two 50 story buidlings. Another guy is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman. What do they have in common?
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Neither one of them wants to look down.

Heard this one the other day.

Farmer Brown is talking to a buddy one day about his lack of egg production from his hens. His buddy says you need to get a rooster to keep them happy. So he does.

A few weeks later he notices that egg production is up and he is pleased. The only problem is that the rooster has decided that the farmer's ducks and turkeys need cheering up as well, so he takes care of them too.

Farmer Brown sees this and thinks, that goddamn rooster is gonna screw himself to death.

A few days latter he steps out into the barnyard and there is the rooster, out cold, flat on his back and the buzzards are circling above, getting ready for dinner.

Farmer Brown walks up to the rooster and looks down at him, kinda sad. Just then, the rooster cracks one eye open, gestures up to the buzzards and says SHHHHHHHH.

smackaholic wrote:Heard this one the other day.

Farmer Brown is talking to a buddy one day about his lack of egg production from his hens. His buddy says you need to get a rooster to keep them happy. So he does.

A few weeks later he notices that egg production is up and he is pleased. The only problem is that the rooster has decided that the farmer's ducks and turkeys need cheering up as well, so he takes care of them too.

Farmer Brown sees this and thinks, that goddamn rooster is gonna screw himself to death.

A few days latter he steps out into the barnyard and there is the rooster, out cold, flat on his back and the buzzards are circling above, getting ready for dinner.

Farmer Brown walks up to the rooster and looks down at him, kinda sad. Just then, the rooster cracks one eye open, gestures up to the buzzards and says SHHHHHHHH.

Jerry Sandusky, the leader of ISIS, and long-winded joke guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks at all three in disgust but still asks, "What'll ya have?" They all order whiskey. As the bartender gets ready to pour their shots, he remembers he has some deadly poison stashed away but only enough for one drink. Realizing he has a great opportunity to rid the world of one of these monsters, he slips the poison in one of the drinks. He serves the three patrons who immediately down their shots. A couple of minutes later one of the men starts convulsing, falls off his bar stool, and dies. Shortly after, the ISIS leader turns to Sandusky and says, "Have you heard the one about the 12 year old boy?"

We have a winner.

MgoBlue-LightSpecial wrote:

smackaholic wrote:Heard this one the other day.

Farmer Brown is talking to a buddy one day about his lack of egg production from his hens. His buddy says you need to get a rooster to keep them happy. So he does.

A few weeks later he notices that egg production is up and he is pleased. The only problem is that the rooster has decided that the farmer's ducks and turkeys need cheering up as well, so he takes care of them too.

Farmer Brown sees this and thinks, that goddamn rooster is gonna screw himself to death.

A few days latter he steps out into the barnyard and there is the rooster, out cold, flat on his back and the buzzards are circling above, getting ready for dinner.

Farmer Brown walks up to the rooster and looks down at him, kinda sad. Just then, the rooster cracks one eye open, gestures up to the buzzards and says SHHHHHHHH.

Jerry Sandusky, the leader of ISIS, and long-winded joke guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks at all three in disgust but still asks, "What'll ya have?" They all order whiskey. As the bartender gets ready to pour their shots, he remembers he has some deadly poison stashed away but only enough for one drink. Realizing he has a great opportunity to rid the world of one of these monsters, he slips the poison in one of the drinks. He serves the three patrons who immediately down their shots. A couple of minutes later one of the men starts convulsing, falls off his bar stool, and dies. Shortly after, the ISIS leader turns to Sandusky and says, "Have you heard the one about the 12 year old boy?"

Yeah, thats a hard one to get across in print.

smackaholic wrote:

Yeah, thats a hard one to get across in print.

True story, a neighbor told me that joke in Tempe, AZ back in 1975. However, the punch line was: "SHHHH... the buzzards are coming." (meaning the rooster was faking being dead, telling the onlooker his real purpose). You get a better visual that way, you know... to make it funny to the one that heard the joke back then.

Atomic Punk wrote:

smackaholic wrote:

Yeah, thats a hard one to get across in print.

True story, a neighbor told me that joke in Tempe, AZ back in 1975. However, the punch line was: "SHHHH... the buzzards are coming." (meaning the rooster was faking being dead, telling the onlooker his real purpose). You get a better visual that way, you know... to make it funny to the one that heard the joke back then.

The dude that told it to me said he got it from a 75 year old that heard it in 1958. And yes, it is much better told live.

Sirfindafold walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?" Sirfindafold says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks." "You don't understand;" says Sirfindafold sadly, "Chunks is my dog."

Marty -- are you sure you didn't want to use some "bode$" emoticon from 1978?

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."