T1B

”Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”

The Doctor Is In...

Date: May 21, 2019
Time: 9;00 am
Place: 2837 Katella Avenue, Anaheim, CA
The psychiatry office of Dr. Vinny Boombatz

Dr. Vinny: Mikey, I’m glad to see you finally made it here on time.
Mikey: Hiya, doc. I think I’ve finally got it figured out.
Dr. Vinny: Oh?
Mikey: If I get up at two, I can leave the house by three. If I leave the house at three, I can weather the traffic and get here by nine.
Dr. Vinny: Just think how early you’d have to get up if you lived more than ten miles away. You’re lucky my office is so close to your house.
Mikey: Lucky is my middle name, doc.
Dr. Vinny: Yes, we’re all so lucky to live in this great state.
Mikey: God bless California.
Dr. Vinny: Last time you were here, you said you were getting a second mortgage on your home. How is that going?”
Mikey: I signed the loan docs yesterday. The loan should fund tomorrow. Good thing California real estate values keep climbing, right?
Dr. Vinny: How else could we afford to buy the things we really need?
Mikey: Boy, if that isn’t ever the truth. I don’t know how else I could afford to buy my yearly supply of 1992 Screaming Eagle Cabernet Sauvignon and pule. And make my Prius payments at the same time. And still have cash left over to donate to Habitat for Humanity. You know, those people depend on me.
Dr. Vinny: Yes, of course they do.
Mikey: God bless California. Did I ever tell you my California ancestry goes back to the trilobites?
Dr. Vinny: I think you've mentioned it a few times.
Mikey: Why in the world anyone would want to live anywhere else is beyond me. Sure we have earthquakes and fires and traffic and crime and gangs and graffiti and smog and homeless people and rude neighbors and spoiled rotten kids and a general preoccupation with status symbols and appearances and selfish drivers and overpriced gasoline and electricity and asphalt and concrete as far as the eye can see...but we have great weather, don't we?
Dr. Vinny: The weather is terrific.
Mikey: And we have Jerry Brown.
Dr. Vinny: God bless Jerry Brown.
Mikey: And we have the highest population of illegal immigrants in the country. They are such good people. Honest and hardworking people. Thoughtful people. Gentle people.
Dr. Vinny: They do a great job maintaining my yard and washing my cars.
Mikey: Remember when kids used to do that work?
Dr. Vinny: What a joke that was, right?
Mikey: Ha, ha, yes, what a joke. Kids working. That'll be the day.
Dr. Vinny: Well, unless there's anything else, our time is up.
Mikey: Already?
Dr. Vinny: That'll be $500.
Mikey: Is it just my imagination? Our sessions seem to be getting shorter and shorter.
Dr. Vinny: Gotta make a buck, you know. BMWs and green fees and Botox treatments for the wife don't exactly grow on trees.
Mikey: No, of course not.
Dr. Vinny: Everything okay?
Mikey: We didn't get to talk about any of my problems.
Dr. Vinny: Problems?
Mikey: Yeah, you know. Like some people tell me I'm...bitter.
Dr. Vinny: For Christ's sake. You live in California. You don't have any problems. Bitter? Ha, tell them to go fly a kite. Tell them to go jump in a lake. Tell them to go soak their head.
Mikey: Of course.
Dr. Vinny You're the happiest man in the world!
Mikey: Yes, yes, of course I am! I almost forgot.
Dr. Vinny: That's what I want to hear. You can leave your check with the receptionist. She'll make your next appointment for you. Don't forget to take your meds, and I'll see you in a month.

I'm so glad you find such inspiration in my story. I'm really, truly, humbled.



Don't be too jealous and...err...bitter (to coin a phrase) that I can still afford to live here, while you were forced to pack up and leave. Not everyone can be so lucky.

I'm pretty sure you didn't really belong here in the first place, and I imagine you have a wonderful life, with your horse and your cat, in Hooterville, or wherever it is that you ended up. With all that land spreadin' out so far and wide.




BTW...say hello to Arnold next time he and Eb stop by, Dad.




Just a few corrections to your wonderfully creative fable...

- I'm not really a huge fan of big, overblown cabs. I'm more into the Rhone varietals these days, and some Rhone style blends.
- I've never owned, nor will I ever own, a Prius. I just don't really fit their target demographic, which is the Assistant Philosophy Professor at the local JC.
- We don't have Jerry Brown. I guess the news is pretty slow getting to Hooterville.

Papa Willie wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:07 pm Cut your losses, Mikey...

Stick with what you know, Melty.

Pictures of people cleaning up other peoples' shit is about the best, and pretty much the only thing, you can come up with.

Mikey wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:10 pm

Papa Willie wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:07 pm Cut your losses, Mikey...

Stick with what you know, Melty.

Pictures of people cleaning up other peoples' shit is about the best, and pretty much the only thing, you can come up with.

And pictures of crying children. Don't forget that.

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. The whole shit and needles thing just leaves such an impression.

Papa Willie wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 4:29 pm it’s not my fault you live in a shit & needles state.

That's better. Stick to your comfort zone, you're less likely to fuck things up.
Believe me - you'll thank me later.

Mikey wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 2:50 pm We don't have Jerry Brown. I guess the news is pretty slow getting to Hooterville.

Ha, you're right of course. Just goes to show how closely I pay attention to politics these days. Actually, I kind of liked Brown. I didn't agree with everything he did and said, but he seemed like an honest guy with the welfare of citizens in mind. I suppose if there was one thing that I wish he'd done as governor that was really neither a liberal or conservative issue, and that was to cut back on all the inane laws and regulations that have been increasingly strangling every corner of the state.

But all joking aside, I had a lot of good years in CA. It was just time to move on, and I'm glad I did. It was a real eye-opener going to the DMV here to get my SC drivers license. There were no lines. I just walked up to the counter, and ten minutes later I had my license. Made my day. And I said to myself, "I think I'm going to like living here."

And my wife is learning to live without a Trader Joe's.

Sudden Sam wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:49 pm ML, I appreciate the Don Martin artwork.

:grin:

That would suck to move across country and then realize you made a mistake. And I am happy for you that you like it there.

To tell you the truth, there are a lot of areas in CA (ahem...LA...ahem...Bay Area) that I can't fucking stand. LA has a lot of good opportunities for shows, at places like the Hollywood Bowl, and the downtown venues like Disney Hall, the Music Center and some cool historic theaters. But I refuse to drive there anymore. We take the train to Union Station downtown and then Uber around and it's not too bad. I grew up in the Bay Area, and San Francisco is still a fun place to visit (in spite of the shit and needles). I left the South Peninsula when there were still orchards in the Santa Clara Valley, before it became Silicon Valley, thinking I'd move back some day. Not going to ever happen. Beyond those two shit holes, there are a lot of cool places left. I've thought about moving some day to Mendocino or Ft Bragg, but it would be too cold for the wife.

And I think I figured out the secret to dealing with the DMV here. Actually, you can complete most transactions with the CA DMV online without ever going into an office. I hadn't been to one for many years, until a couple of weeks ago. My license came up for renewal and I wanted to get the new TSA compliant RealID version, which requires you to show up at the DMV with proof of citizenship. You can make appointments but usually there's at least a two month backlog, and I didn't have time to wait. I showed up at the office at 7:30 am (they open at 8:00) and was about #20 in line. Because I had done all of my paperwork and had all of my documents in order (yes that's too much to ask of most people I guess) I went straight to the front of the line and was done by 8:30, including getting my picture and taking the written test. My new license showed up in the mail in about a week.

We needed to transfer title of one of our cars to our son, which also required going into the DMV with the pink slip signed over. He did the same thing this morning that I did a few weeks ago and was out in 15 minutes.

Goober McTuber wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:36 pm And pictures of crying children. Don't forget that.

The children...never forget the children...

Shlomart Ben Yisrael wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 7:44 pm

Goober McTuber wrote: ↑Tue May 21, 2019 3:36 pm And pictures of crying children. Don't forget that.

The children...never forget the children...

He'll grow up to be a bot.

Last time I was at DMV was to do a registration for my most recent car purchase. That was 5 years ago.

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BSmack wrote: ↑Sat May 25, 2019 8:42 pm Last time I was at DMV was to do a registration for my most recent car purchase. That was 5 years ago.

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The dealer doesn’t do that for you?

Left Seater wrote:

BSmack wrote: ↑Sat May 25, 2019 8:42 pm Last time I was at DMV was to do a registration for my most recent car purchase. That was 5 years ago.

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The dealer doesn’t do that for you?

It was a private sale.

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Good stuff, ML. Stick around. I like reading your stories.