Had to fix this Kentucky Fried Fuckup
Posted: Mon Oct 16, 2023 1:57 am
My daughter in college had an event so we went to the Big City to watch her perform. Afterwards we wanted some warm food and hit up KFC. I haven't been to a Kentucky Fried Chicken in probably 10 years. When did they start serving french fries? And pot pies?? Duuude I need pot pie in my life! Of course, they were out of pot pie so I got a 3pc white. Wife got a Famous Bowl. Daughter got chicken strips. And to share: a family sized chocolate chip cake.
The girl taking our order was high as fuk and forgot half our food. After three trips to the counter we had everything but the cake. She promised to get it warmed up real quick. Five minutes later she brings us a frozen cake.
Using some specialized techniques developed through years of digging frozen soil I managed to carve two chunks of frozen cake without breaking the shitty plastic spork.
An already disappointing visit to Colonel Sanders' place went full retard when we tasted the cake. Now, let me be clear; I'm no cake snob. I've had shitty sweets many, many times. I've tasted every abortion of "pastry" Little Debbie has slathered in icing. I eat on the road 2 meals a day. I can tell you the expiration date on most Hostess products by blind taste test. I'm a fukken connoisseur of cheapass junk food. This KFC dessert is beyond the pale. Simply mind-bendingly awful. First, it's brown but it ain't chocolate. The icing is worse than oreo filling mixed with the crunchy glaze on a Hostess fruit pie. It's spongy and glaringly, aggressively sweet. It has no redeeming features. None.
We put the lid on the $5.99 bundt of shit and took it home. My daughter and I resolved to fix it. So here we go.
Step one is getting rid of the crunchy icing that tastes like pure sugar. No hint of vanilla or almond, not even the courtesy of some artificial butter flavoring. Just sugar water dried to a crisp. It's completely awful. And now... it gone.
With the cake properly deconstructed into its salvageable components and looking like freshy cooked dog food we can rebuild it. Step one: Add chocolate. It was born to be a chocolate cake and just because its parents abandoned it at the truck stop doesn't mean it can't fulfill its destiny.
Melted semi-sweet chocolate chips in the microwave and thinned them down with whole cream until thin enough to absorb into the cake. If you want measurements for this slurry I have bad news for you. Using this bundt of sadness to play cornhole would be an improvement so I'm not real worried about getting it wrong.
If this looks like a still shot from one of those creeper videos where a guy hides a camera in a port-a-potty at a construction site you might have a point. The title of this video, "Taco Bell's Revenge."
Even though chocolate glazed asshole is terrifying just remember where we started.
I made this icing on the fly but it was so good I wrote it down. 4oz soft butter, 1.5tsp vanilla extract(homemade if ya got it), 2c powdered sugar, 6oz soft cream cheese, 2tbs pinot grigio. Blend until all graininess dissolves and you're left with something approximating belgian buttercream. Add wine as needed for texture.
Before you give me crap about plating, "Side dishes get served on paper!" as Goose from .net would say.
This is good. Like, really, really good. Yes, it's now a $15 cake but at least it's worth eating. Sorry the pic is sideways but bottom line is I don't like most of you well enough to fix it.
Executive Summary: I'd you're going to KFC, plan on doing half the work yourself.
The girl taking our order was high as fuk and forgot half our food. After three trips to the counter we had everything but the cake. She promised to get it warmed up real quick. Five minutes later she brings us a frozen cake.
Using some specialized techniques developed through years of digging frozen soil I managed to carve two chunks of frozen cake without breaking the shitty plastic spork.
An already disappointing visit to Colonel Sanders' place went full retard when we tasted the cake. Now, let me be clear; I'm no cake snob. I've had shitty sweets many, many times. I've tasted every abortion of "pastry" Little Debbie has slathered in icing. I eat on the road 2 meals a day. I can tell you the expiration date on most Hostess products by blind taste test. I'm a fukken connoisseur of cheapass junk food. This KFC dessert is beyond the pale. Simply mind-bendingly awful. First, it's brown but it ain't chocolate. The icing is worse than oreo filling mixed with the crunchy glaze on a Hostess fruit pie. It's spongy and glaringly, aggressively sweet. It has no redeeming features. None.
We put the lid on the $5.99 bundt of shit and took it home. My daughter and I resolved to fix it. So here we go.
Step one is getting rid of the crunchy icing that tastes like pure sugar. No hint of vanilla or almond, not even the courtesy of some artificial butter flavoring. Just sugar water dried to a crisp. It's completely awful. And now... it gone.
With the cake properly deconstructed into its salvageable components and looking like freshy cooked dog food we can rebuild it. Step one: Add chocolate. It was born to be a chocolate cake and just because its parents abandoned it at the truck stop doesn't mean it can't fulfill its destiny.
Melted semi-sweet chocolate chips in the microwave and thinned them down with whole cream until thin enough to absorb into the cake. If you want measurements for this slurry I have bad news for you. Using this bundt of sadness to play cornhole would be an improvement so I'm not real worried about getting it wrong.
If this looks like a still shot from one of those creeper videos where a guy hides a camera in a port-a-potty at a construction site you might have a point. The title of this video, "Taco Bell's Revenge."
Even though chocolate glazed asshole is terrifying just remember where we started.
I was baking potatoes and every so often I'd put the cake in for five minutes and warm it up. Seems to have the desired effect. The chocolate sauce absorbed nicely while still leaving some for drizzle. Taste tested and we are on our way to an edible edifice. The semi sweet chocolate did its job and added a nice bitterness. Time to cut that bitterness.Mikey's glazed ass during an oil field house party. wrote:
I made this icing on the fly but it was so good I wrote it down. 4oz soft butter, 1.5tsp vanilla extract(homemade if ya got it), 2c powdered sugar, 6oz soft cream cheese, 2tbs pinot grigio. Blend until all graininess dissolves and you're left with something approximating belgian buttercream. Add wine as needed for texture.
Before you give me crap about plating, "Side dishes get served on paper!" as Goose from .net would say.
This is good. Like, really, really good. Yes, it's now a $15 cake but at least it's worth eating. Sorry the pic is sideways but bottom line is I don't like most of you well enough to fix it.
Executive Summary: I'd you're going to KFC, plan on doing half the work yourself.
