T1B

It's Mrs. Orci's birthday, and we travel out to the parents' homestead for dinner and all the fanfare. Things are going swimmingly, highlighted by Faust the dachshund chasing down my Mom's Shi-Tzu in a fit of rage and taking a chunk out of the little shit-soo's ass (you don't mess with a doxie's toy).

Then it comes time for my wife to open her presents.

I should point out the fact that my mother and my older sister are into all kinds of collectibles and craftmaking garbage, not unlike any other normal American family; however, they're a bit odd in some of their selections.

My mother, for instance loves geese.

Years ago, she bought this painted goose made out of decorative concrete. Basically, it's a big doorstop that stands at roughly a foot-and-a-half. No problems here ... but my mother gets bored quickly, so she starts sewing outfits for her concrete goose. Fast forward a few years and her goose has more articles of clothing than our entire family put together. Not only that, but the geese (along with outfits) are starting to spread throughout the family.

We had resisted the invasion ... until tonight.

I was expecting this moment for quite some time and, as such, was well prepared for it to finally come to pass; however, nothing in the world could prepare me for the utter shock and vomit-in-the-mouth feeling that occured when "the gift" was actually unwrapped.

Gentlemen, I present you with my new fucking doorstop ... say hello to "Allie."




















Vegas has the set the early line at 20:1 on me going kcwife on Allie no later than Sunday afternoon.

i'm laughing WITH You 'orc!

the wife and I have a BET on this year's (and each subsequent) Ohio State v. MICH Game.

Loser has to buy the Winning teams Grill Cover...the Grill Cover stays ON for the entire year.

if i have to Look at the Foocking "M" for a Year--->on MY GRILL....well, ahem...i'll JOIN the BEATINGS! = OUCH CLUB too.

Allie the Goose....eh? hard to fathom that a ceramic doorstop could be the MASTER of the Verticle Passing Game?!

:wink:

I'd never eat anything off that grill if I were you, Q.

Back to Allie. While she may have a short lifespan ...



I'll bet she has better hands out in the flat than Lamont Jordan.



OK ... I have no idea why I posted that, so here is a pic from last week's dachshund races.



I picture jiminphilly as the hyper-competitive-looking dude second from the left. Check out the focus as he stares down the track, anxiously awaiting the start of the race. I'm also willing to bet that's his wife standing behind him, making sure he doesn't get "out of line." She's got her own dog in the next heat, and it's probably twice as smart as jim's and three times as fast.

I should also note that, in the interest of winning at all costs, this dumb-ass launched his dog some ten feet at the start of the race ... probably because he thought that would give it an "extra" boost of speed, akin to mashing the shit out of the button in Madden.

Dog still got its ass kicked, and jim's wife wasn't too thrilled at hubbie's "brilliant" race strategy.

I'm guessing he slept alone on the couch ... again.

With any luck, the doxie jumped up and pissed on him in the middle of the night, too.

Faust would have.

Thats a fuckin cool duck! Whered ya get it??

It'll give you something to talk to the next time your wife locks you out of the house.

(cue twlight zone music)

I think I became concerned at the 'sewing outfits for concrete goose' part.......I only have one word.....

weird.

Too damn funny Orc, the question still remains, why a Raider outfit ?? Some genius form of payback from past transgression?

Bucmonkey wrote:...why a Raider outfit ??

His wife has horrible taste in football teams.

The Assassin wrote:Thats a fuckin cool duck! Whered ya get it??

My wife got if for a gift, where do you THINK I got it ... GOSH!

ElvisMonster wrote:

Bucmonkey wrote:...why a Raider outfit ??

His wife has horrible taste in football teams.

That's my pawds you're talkin bout..........

nice duck.....err......goose

Meet the 2005 Wiener Dog National Champion, Moose, from Tonganoxie, KS. Sorry for the overlarge pic. Maybe one you geniuses can re-size it.



Anyways, The Woodlands here in KC has these Wiener Dog races every year. They get 64 entrants and run 8 races taking the winner of each heat and then having a final race with those 8 mutts. They actually take pari-mutual wagers on these races.

The Woodlands has year round live greyhound racing and simulcasting from every major track in the country. Their busiest day of the year bar none is Weiner Dog Day.

Funnier than hell. Orc, you need to get up here and see this next year. Maybe enter Faust. I'd put $2.00 on his nose.

^^^I would like to be handled by his handler......

orcinus wrote:

I'll bet she has better hands out in the flat than Lamont Jordan.

RACK!

So, I'm telling my story about the local dachshund races. You know the ones I'm talking about ... they're just up the street at the local park, not four flippin' hours to the North where drunken internet tough guys go to spend their afternoons with other drunken internet tough guys ... all the while enjoying the cool, indoor breeze that only central air can provide.

Anyway, I'm transfixed by Mrs. jiminphilly's style. While jim has the instense stare down to a "T," Mrs. jim takes intensity to a whole 'nuther level.



Check out the ultra-smooth squat technique, which I'm told, allows the dox to hit top speed in a fraction of the time. Unlike her competitor to the left, buckling under the stress of competition, Mrs. jim looks cool, calm and confident in her wraparound shades and "no, you can't play fantasy football" haircut.

The race should have been over before it even started.



As if her pre-race rituals weren't enough to overcome all challengers, Mrs. jiminphilly also utilizes the crane release method, known throught the doxie racing circuit as one of the most difficult, but effective starting procedures.

The form is nothing to laugh about, gentlemen (and trev). Look at the way she uses the dark side of the force to spur on her young apprentice.

Mrs. jiminphilly: "You have no idea as to the full power of the darkside competitor to my left."

Chick to the left: "NOOOOOOOOOO ... Whyyyyyyy aren't you runninnnnnnG stooooooopid doggggg?"

Mrs. jiminphilly: "Everything is going according to MY plan. It is your DESTINY to lose and be ground up into hamburger."

Mrs. jim's dog might have won that heat, but Faust bit it after the race when it tried to pull an unauthorized butt-sniffing.

Pwnd.

Are the hay bales to protect the fans from a wayward pooch?

I feel your pain on the wife's gift, orc.

My folks gave me a Wilson Billie Jean King Autograph tennis racquet when I was 13 and I'm just now barely beginning to experience recovery.

You'll be alright right around the time your SS checks start rollin' in.

Does Faust have predominantly fast twitch or slow twitch fibers....?

Wondering.

Orc, will the goose be a part of Cowboyfan's new av if the Raiders should win this weekend?

orcinus wrote:So, I'm telling my story about the local dachshund races. You know the ones I'm talking about ... they're just up the street at the local park, not four flippin' hours to the North....

It's three hours, and they're Wiener dogs, dawg.

But suit yerself if you want to forever relegate Faust to the hinterlands of minor league wiener dog racing.

sniff

orcinus wrote:So, I'm telling my story about the local dachshund races. You know the ones I'm talking about ... they're just up the street at the local park, not four flippin' hours to the North where drunken internet tough guys go to spend their afternoons with other drunken internet tough guys ... all the while enjoying the cool, indoor breeze that only central air can provide.

Anyway, I'm transfixed by Mrs. jiminphilly's style. While jim has the instense stare down to a "T," Mrs. jim takes intensity to a whole 'nuther level.



Check out the ultra-smooth squat technique, which I'm told, allows the dox to hit top speed in a fraction of the time. Unlike her competitor to the left, buckling under the stress of competition, Mrs. jim looks cool, calm and confident in her wraparound shades and "no, you can't play fantasy football" haircut.

The race should have been over before it even started.



As if her pre-race rituals weren't enough to overcome all challengers, Mrs. jiminphilly also utilizes the crane release method, known throught the doxie racing circuit as one of the most difficult, but effective starting procedures.

The form is nothing to laugh about, gentlemen (and trev). Look at the way she uses the dark side of the force to spur on her young apprentice.

Mrs. jiminphilly: "You have no idea as to the full power of the darkside competitor to my left."

Chick to the left: "NOOOOOOOOOO ... Whyyyyyyy aren't you runninnnnnnG stooooooopid doggggg?"

Mrs. jiminphilly: "Everything is going according to MY plan. It is your DESTINY to lose and be ground up into hamburger."

Mrs. jim's dog might have won that heat, but Faust bit it after the race when it tried to pull an unauthorized butt-sniffing.

Pwnd.

Speaking of Gooses.....who goosed that wiener pooch at the bottom of the picture? Looks to me like he/she is train-linking the field early on...
Additionally, I call foul on that sucker....that tail does NOT belong on any wiener I've ever seen....

Mike, that longhair was the pooch that was thrown halfway down the track by its owner. While he took the early lead, he also decided midway through the race to veer off and bark at a few spectator hounds.

Nearing ten years, Faust's racing career is behind him now; however, rest assured ... he would have lapped this field back in the day.

Bri, the goose is a bit shy in her new environment, so I'm not sure if she's ready quite yet for the prime time burdens an avatar would bring.

Besides ... I'm hoping she gets stolen or something before then.

Here's another shot from race day. For those of you who like to bet the longshots, this pooch came off at 100:1 odds.

Interesting thing about this photo is the fact the race has already started.



Pretty sure that gal was sporting a thong, too, proving the ol' addage "we're all winners" on race day.

Bucmonkey wrote:Are the hay bales to protect the fans from a wayward pooch?

You have obviously never seen a mad daschound, ours used to bark at anything that moved...kids, old people, cats, cars, busses, etc. Now she is approaching 16 and sleeps most of the day.

KC Paul 3.0 wrote:

orcinus wrote:Pretty sure that gal was sporting a thong, too, proving the ol' addage "we're all winners" on race day.

" I'm a fag, fag fag fag fag!"

Sin,

FTFY

That's more like it ...

Buc, unlike the photo depicts above, dachshund races usually feature a hoard of fast dogs, and not all of these dogs manage to run from point A to point B during a given race.

When you have fifteen rabid dachshunds all hopped up on performance-enching drugs and whatever the hell else they were fed prior to the race, you have to make sure you can contain them ... or hope to at least.

During the first heat, I saw two dogs fly right past their handlers at the finish line and leap over the back barrier. Fortunately they didn't go very far, though, as they both stopped to sniff a great dane's butt.