God sent me a sign of DEATH today....

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

Okay, I'm really spooked about this one. It's too bizarre to be just a coincidence.


So I decided to take a walk today from the State Capital to a place along the lake shore called Picnic Point. It's about 3 miles there and 3 miles back. I've been doing this walk for years. When the weather is good it's non stop college chicks running down the lake shore path in skimpy shorts and skimpy tops.


kind of like this...

Near the halfway point I see a card face down in the grass. I don't know what compelled me to stop, but something in my head said "turn it over and see what card it is". I had second thoughts because it might be the ace of spade...the death card.

Reluctantly...I pick it up and turn it over and it's ............................






I'm overwhelmed with a sense of relief that it wasn't the Ace of Spade...the DEATH CARD!


So now I'm on my return trip. Near the spot where I saw the 4 of spade a voice comes into my head that says "cut across the field".

I've never cut across the field! So, I'm walking across the field and lo and behold....ANOTHER FUKKKEN CARD face down in the grass. WTF????

Once again....I say to myself...."Don't pick it up..it might be the death card...the ace of spade."

So I stop....I pick up the card....I turn it over......and






It's the FUKKKEN ACE OF SPADE!



Now I'm really freaked out...what are the fukkken odds of that happening like that? A voice in my head directing me to cut across the field...finding another card face down... fearing it's the ace of spade and it turns out to be the ace of spade.

It's a sign from someone up above....no doubt about it. But who?

My Grandma is 100 years old and could go any day.
My Mom is 71 and all alone in the house and she is very sick.

Or me?


I told you guys before that God is trying to kill me. I am so spooked that I cancelled going to the gym today and have barricaded myself in the house. I'm afraid to answer my phone or the doorbell for fear of bad news.

[Tom In VA]

You should have kept walking and maybe you would have found a



Then you would have a pair.

[Smackie Chan]

shorts and skimpy tops.


kind of like this...

Kids these days refer to this form of attire as the bikini.

what are the fukkken odds of that happening like that?

Roughly 1 in 52, Einstein. I say roughly, because if it came from the same deck from which you found the four of spades, it becomes 1 in 51. Or 1 in 53 if there were jokers. I think I'd be more concerned if I were you over the fact that of two cards found, both were spades.

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

Tom,

It's strange that you mention finding another card...because a block from the Capital and the end of my walk was another playing card on the sidewalk...this time face up. It was an 8 of diamond.



So now thinking...maybe the sign from God was to play the pick 3 numbers of...."4 1 8"


So I stopped at the store on the way home and played 418 four times.


Maybe I'm crazy for putting all this thought into everything...but the ace of spade was just too much of a coincidence.


I'm not crazy....
I'm not crazy...
I'm NOT FUKKKEN CRAZY!

[Smackie Chan]

Then you would have a pair.

I'm NOT FUKKKEN CRAZY!

Far be it from me to speak for Tom, but I don't think he was suggesting you're crazy. Just that you need to grow a pair.

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

Far be it from me to speak for Tom, but I don't think he was suggesting you're crazy. Just that you need to grow a pair.

Smackie,

I've been on the border of insanity for about 10 years now. I can specifically point to an exact day in 2004 when the ringing in my ears drove me so crazy that I grabbed my hair and screamed for it to stop at the top of my lungs...


ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


It was strange...because it was as if at that exact moment a circuit breaker went off in my head. All of a sudden and there was a sense of calm. The non stop blarring loud ringing was still in my head, but it wasn't driving me as insane as before.

The trouble is that I feel like I have absolutely zero brain activity now. The circuit breaker in my brain saved me from going completely insane, but left me with an inactive brain.

[Smackie Chan]

I have absolutely zero brain activity now...an inactive brain.

One of the few instances in which I agree with you.

[Derron]

Well if you feel so compelled to obey the voices in your head...and you are so sure Darwin is coming for your ass today ,just do a preemptive strike and stick a gun in you mouth and lift your dome off this afternoon.

Just don't go Toddy on us and keep saying shit like that and never do it.

Make sure you leave a note so the MX knows to post the obit info on her so we can prop you for doing it.

[Derron]

The circuit breaker in my brain saved me from going completely insane, but left me with an inactive brain.

You are fucking shitting us right ?

I never would have guessed.

[Alan]

shorts and skimpy tops.


kind of like this...

Kids these days refer to this form of attire as the bikini.

You'll have to forgive Stanley, that sort of thing is not his forte. He can eyeball your Speedo size in a jiffy, though! :D

[Van]

Stanley, who are you trying to kid here? It was a Wisconsin beach. If you saw any women there at all, they looked "kind of like this"...

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

You're going to die.

Damn Chip....that's fukkken harsh.


Why you wanna do that to me? I'm super superstitious!


And to think...all those times you were in the hospital I was praying good kharma for you to get better.

[Smackie Chan]

You're going to die.

Damn Chip....that's fukkken harsh.

Did you think otherwise?

[Screw_Michigan]

Stanley, who are you trying to kid here? It was a Wisconsin beach. If you saw any women there at all, they looked "kind of like this"...

Bullshit. All the sluts in Madison are size 4s with tan legs, double d's and virgin browneyes.

Sin,

Fat fucking RETARD in Madison

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

Did you think otherwise?

YES, I DID!



In response to your smart alec reply that I had a 1 in 51 chance of it being the Ace of Spade, let me say that would be true if I was picking one random card out of a deck of 51 cards. This is entirely a different set of circumstances.

The odds of me even stumbling across another card lying face down in an open field must have been a billion to one. The odds of that card being the Ace of Spade was 1 in 51.

Therefore the actual odds of a voice inside my head directing me to walk across an open field and find an Ace of Spade lying face down in the grass would be....

(51 x 1 billion) or 51 Billion to 1.


And now Chip tells me that I'm going to DIE!

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

OK, now that you know you're going to die, what are you going to do?

I don't know. Go to church? Pray? Hope you're wrong???


You tell me how to get through this shite? :?

[PSUFAN]

This is like Christmas and Halloween and Easter all wrapped into one. Thank you, GOD!!! I can't wait until pikkle is wormfeed.

[Bobby42]

Rack Jsc810 for the outstanding Carl Sagan piece.

Brings much into perspective. Damn, I share this planet with Pickle.

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

So now thinking...maybe the sign from God was to play the pick 3 numbers of...."4 1 8"
So I stopped at the store on the way home and played 418 four times.

I just checked the Pick 3 numbers for Yesterday.

4 1 9

http://www.wilottery.com/lottogames/pick3.asp

Unfukkken Believeable!!!

[Stan Fukkken Pickle]

UPDATE:
April 11, 2009 3:36 CST


Today I went back to the scene of the crime to find that god damn Ace of Spade. I walked up and down the field for about 30 minutes looking for a crumpled playing card. I checked a baseball backstop, weeds, a creek that runs through the field and nearly every square inch of the field...approximately two football fields. I found two baseballs, a softball and a jock strap. :?

Finally I decided to conduct a very scientific Stanley Pickle experiment taking wind direction, wind speed, elapsed time and other intanglibles into consideration. In about five minutes I found that crumpled Ace of Spade....about 40 yards from the original spot in a ditch near the path.

I wanted to burn it to remove the curse, but didn't have any matches...so I ripped it into pieces of eight and scattered it in several directions. Hopefully I can sleep tonight knowing I defeated the evil death card.

As I walked away triumphtly, I noticed another fukkken playing card.........picked it up...turned it over....




BINGO!!!!

I believe that is the card of wealth and good fortune. On the way home I stopped at the G-Store and brought 8 lottery tickets for tonight...If these cards really are a sign from God...I'll be a MIllionaire by morning.




Pictures to follow in my upcoming TEA PARTY P.E.T.

[Goober McTuber]

So now thinking...maybe the sign from God was to play the pick 3 numbers of...."4 1 8"
So I stopped at the store on the way home and played 418 four times.

I just checked the Pick 3 numbers for Yesterday.

4 1 9

http://www.wilottery.com/lottogames/pick3.asp

Unfukkken Believeable!!!

So you're still a fucking loser. Quite believable.

[Wolfman]

Queen of diamonds ???
Anyone remember 'The Manchurian Candidate" ???



Go jump in the lake !!!