Sam, ahh, wtf, let's do it anyway!
Alabama's 2009 schedule
Virginia Tech (Georgia Dome): "Neutral site" game, held in the SEC's CCG locale. Still, a nice OOC opener. Kudos.
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Florida International : Fuck you very much for even scheduling this.
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North Texas: Fuck you even more for scheduling this, on the back of Fla/Flightplan.
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Arkansas: Four games in, still no road games yet.
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@Kentucky: Hey, there you go! A plane ride, to another team's home stadium! (Of course it's a mandatory game, so you couldn't get out of it, and it's only Kentucky anyway.)
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@Ole Miss: Here's your entire season, this one game.
Ole fucking Miss is your tough game, this season! I'm going to go ahead and give you this one, and looky here, Alabama is suddenly ranked in the top five, and they're...a national title contender!
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South Carolina: Wooo, that long 179 mile roadie to Oxford really tuckered y'all out, so go on home and enjoy another cupcake.
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Tennessee: In the return trip, two years from now, this will be an interesting game. This year?
Note the Vols frosting.
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LSU: Tell me, how on earth are you going to lose at home to a barely .500 team from last year, who's again having to go with another rookie QB, after already having lost many of their best players? Also, Nick hasn't beaten them yet in Tuscaloosa. This is normally a make-or-break game, but this year it's a...
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@Mississippi State: Three roadies, so far. Kentucky, and two trips next door, to the Officially Fat & Stupid People.
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Tennessee-Chattanooga: What the gotdamn fuck??
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@Auburn: Like LSU, this is normally the second make-or-break game of the season for you. Like LSU, but even moreso, not this year. Auburn is dead in the water.
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Then, go ahead and lose to Florida, in the SEC money grab game.
Forget the laundry. Forget the helmetocity. The names don't matter.
This year, Bama has a two game schedule: a neutral site game in Atlanta, which will appear in the flesh as a Bama home crowd, against a meh Va Tech, and a roadie to perennial doormat
Ole Miss.
You will again be vaulted into the national title picture, based on those two meh games, and the media's adoration for SEC laundry.
Swear to god, I hope Bama fucking gags on someone stupid, like Tennessee-ChooChoo.
But hey, what about your conference's stalwart, the mighty Gators Of Tebonia?
Florida's 2009 schedule
Charleston Southern: Unless we're reenacting the war of 1812, fuck you in your shredded dimehole, Florida. This game alone should preclude them from BCS bowl game participation. Bare minimum, it should not count on their W-L record, and none of the stats from this game should count either. When the Yankees play their AA farm team, the games don't count in the standings, and neither should this.
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Troy: I don't wanna hear how tough they are. It's the wrong fucking Troy, and this one stinks. They never beat anybody.
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Tennessee: Again, let's check back on this one in a year or two. This year, it's going to look like a Kimbo fight on youtube.
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@Kentucky: Wtf is it about The Meatgrinder? They refuse to play anything but home games, then when they do give in and play a roadie, it's only against Ashley Judd, bouncing a basketball.
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@LSU: See above. Most years, this is hell. This year, LSU will be fortunate to avoid getting shut out. They won't get a sniff at twenty points.
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Arkansas: Yawn. Maybe if Houston Nutt, Felix Jones and Darren McFadden were still there, but now?
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@Mississippi State: Whatever.
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Georgia: Georgia could barely play with Florida
with Stafford and Moreno. This year, Georgia will maybe be a nine win team, strictly by virture of their schedule. They're no threat to Florida, or to anybody good.
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Vanderbilt: Hope you enjoyed last season, Vandy, and did you make sure to send that thank you card to Fat Phil?
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@South Carolina: Ballcoach, you are one serious dumbass. Helluva career move.
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Florida International: I really hate you, BTPCF.
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Florida St: Nice laundry. Unfortunately, the people wearing the laundry aren't really Florida St. More unfortunately, the guy coaching the laundy still is.
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Sam, unless you put much stock in this FSU team going into The Swamp, that's a
zero game schedule. Florida manages to skip both Bama and Ole Miss, the only other teams in the conference who may have a pulse this season. OOC, they play nobody besides FSU, and that one's at home. They play a D1-AA. They play Florida International Dateline, who oughtta be D1-AA. They play only four roadies, and three of them are against bonafide cripples.
There isn't a legitimately challenging game on that schedule, Sam. Like Bama's schedule, only without the roadie to Ole Miss, there isn't a game there which Florida could lose, not without completely sleepwalking through it.
We may as well just skip to the SEC money grab game, right now. Florida, vs the Bama-Ole Miss winner. That will be Florida's only game of the year, and they're going to kill the SEC West winner, and the SEC West winner will only have played one real game to get there.