Q & A session with: Van

[The Deciders]

You've never had a drop of alcohol in your life. What type of drink would you try if you were to do so right now?

How do you define intelligence in a human being?

Would you walk a million miles for just one of Steve Vai's smiles?

If you had to choose between never watching college football again for the rest of your life, or never having sex for the rest of your life, what would it be? To make things a little trickier, we'll operate under the hypothetical that college football adopts a playoff system exactly to your liking.

Who do you think is genuinely the dumbest motherfucker to post on this here message board?

Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? Honesty is most welcome.

Would you rather stab your genitals 147 times with a spork then get dumped into remote, shark-infested waters with nobody in sight and nothing to float on while several members of your family suffer the same fate, OR...watch a single episode of 30 Rock?

[Van]

You've never had a drop of alcohol in your life. What type of drink would you try if you were to do so right now?

My first choice would be death.

After that?

Beer looks like piss and smells just as bad. Whiskeys and whatsuch seem like battery acid. Vodka might be doable, simply because it looks like water and I'm told it has little taste, so I suppose I could just slug it down like that time Jennifer Wilson told me she was "only spotting."

How do you define intelligence in a human being?

In a multitude of ways...

There's measurable potential as exemplified by those who do well on standardized tests. Typically people with high IQs do seem to exhibit some sort of advanced mental skill sets.

There's common sense, i.e., "street smarts"; Tony Montana meets R-Jack, and we live to fight another day.

Then there's simply taking Michael Crabtree instead of Darrius Heyward-Bey, while also understanding that there's little difference between the Bible, the WWE and a A Very Brady Christmas.

Would you walk a million miles for just one of Steve Vai's smiles?

Okay, going back to the previous question, I sense that I'm being mocked here.



But in the spirit of full disclosure, no, I'd just go to one of his shows and ask him about Frank.

If you had to choose between never watching college football again for the rest of your life, or never having sex for the rest of your life, what would it be? To make things a little trickier, we'll operate under the hypothetical that college football adopts a playoff system exactly to your liking.

I would watch college football and bask in the warmth of Steve Vai's smile, which could of course carry me through years of ululant cries of sexual longing.

Besides, I've had plenty of sex, GYJO ain't going anywhere, and my internet is fairly reliable.

In the meantime college football still owes me for the Hieronymus Bosch tableau that was the 2006 Rose Bowl.

Who do you think is genuinely the dumbest motherfucker to post on this here message board?

Fuck. Make me choose the beigest grain of sand on Malibu Beach, why don't you?

Hmmm...

I have to say, I've been fairly impressed of late by Derron's caveman act. Also, Barf's permanent repertoire of paint huffing, recollections of listening to Canned Heat in Da Nang and his insipid love of corndogs and NASCAR makes for a pretty virulent goulash of bowling alley stupid.

In the end though, dammit....There can be only one...

...and how could it not be...

...Katy. Okay, maybe it's Perk, for marrying someone who could look at him and still be willing to drive to Cantucky just to suck his dick.

Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? Honesty is most welcome.

Nope. Been in one fight in my entire life. In fifth grade I sort of beat up Paul Sleutjes. I even got some street cred outta the deal when a black chick in our class who was already sporting some decent tits at the "held back" age of twelve later took me aside to tell me, "You fucked him up pretty good."

Would you rather stab your genitals 147 times with a spork then get dumped into remote, shark-infested waters with nobody in sight and nothing to float on while several members of your family suffer the same fate, OR...watch a single episode of 30 Rock?

Wtf is 30 Rock? Was that the show with John Lithgow and that giant amazon of a chick with the goofy moonpie face?

Make it American Idol or This Week In The SEC, and I'm going with the former. Same goes for letting Marty man the stereo during a long car roadie.

[R-Jack]

FWIW, I've never had a sniff of coke and my english is impeachable.

[WolverineSteve]

Thanks for asking.....

sin,
Wags

[Tom In VA]

Van is a solid guy. When I think of Van, I begin to wonder if maybe this myth of Aryan Superiority might be true then Pickle posts and I'm brought back to reality.

Van's superiority has nothing to do with his Aryanness, and has everything to do with a state of mind.

RACK VAN. A good read in every sense of the word.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

Van is a solid guy.

Great guy. Great interview. Solid jungle guy. He gets it. The guy just gets it.

[smackaholic]

Van is a solid guy.

Great guy. Great interview. Solid jungle guy. He gets it. The guy just gets it.

If anyone ever refers to me, to my face, as a solid jungle guy, I will fight him.

[LTS TRN 2]

Only cowards don't or can't drink. Usually it's a religious principle. Pure cowardice. And then there are the few folks who so prize their waking pedestrian consciousness--and so wouldn't want to budge or shift any part of it--and they are even bigger cowards.

I suppose this partly explains Van's dreadful taste in music. And similarly his childish simplicity in understanding world affairs, etc.

[Tom In VA]

Only cowards don't or can't drink.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

If anyone ever refers to me, to my face, as a solid jungle guy, I will fight him.

Sorry, guy. Next time I'll try to frame the sarcasm as a 37 paragraph joke with a nice little zinger at the end, just for you.

[Van]

Van is a solid guy.

Great guy. Great interview. Solid jungle guy. He gets it. The guy just gets it.

[Van]

If anyone ever refers to me, to my face, as a solid jungle guy, I will fight him.

Sorry, guy. Next time I'll try to frame the sarcasm as a 37 paragraph joke with a nice little zinger at the end, just for you.

Now, really. Who does that?

[smackaholic]

If anyone ever refers to me, to my face, as a solid jungle guy, I will fight him.

Sorry, guy. Next time I'll try to frame the sarcasm as a 37 paragraph joke with a nice little zinger at the end, just for you.

ya, you fukkin' better, or i'll fight you too.

[Shlomart Ben Yisrael]

Only cowards don't or can't drink.

What's the point? It's just not enjoyable for me.

Felchco is trying to get you drunk, dude.

Watch the hands.

[LTS TRN 2]

Of course one should stop if it's not fun, t-down. I acknowledge its dangers and empathize with any recovering or abstaining sort like yourself. Rather, it's the principle of perfect sobriety that galls me. How did the puritans reckon their similar principle with the constant decanting going on with Jesus and his roving pals? It's ludicrous.

[Van]

Nick, it's pretty simple, and it has nothing to do with religion, puritanism - anyone who's even vaguely familiar with me will vouch for my utter lack of puritanism - courage or cowardice.

It has to do with a promise I made to myself as a little kid. Both my older brothers and all their friends were total stoners back then. This was the mid-'70s, after all. All I ever saw any of them do was smoke pot and drink whatever alcohol they could get their mitts on. If they weren't partying, they were trying to scrounge up their next bag, or they were trying to get someone to do another beer run.

Their cars always stunk like shit. Everyone's apartment stunk just as badly. Their breath smelled like stale ass. Even their clothes reeked. These people were all lazy and stupid, and because they were all wasted they thought each other funnier than hell, when in fact they were just wasted and stupid.

I made the decision way back then that I would never touch drugs, pot, cigarettes or alcohol. As I grew older and saw everyone in high school constantly getting wasted, it only reaffirmed my committment to never touch the stuff. The fact that it all smells so horrible has also made it really easy to abstain. There is zero temptation for me. The promise I made to myself simply cemented the deal. Promises like that cannot be broken.

Anyway, enjoy your latest troll.

[smackaholic]

Nick, it's pretty simple, and it has nothing to do with religion, puritanism - anyone who's even vaguely familiar with me will vouch for my utter lack of puritanism - courage or cowardice.

It has to do with a promise I made to myself as a little kid. Both my older brothers and all their friends were total stoners back then. This was the mid-'70s, after all. All I ever saw any of them do was smoke pot and drink whatever alcohol they could get their mitts on. If they weren't partying, they were trying to scrounge up their next bag, or they were trying to get someone to do another beer run.

Their cars always stunk like shit. Everyone's apartment stunk just as badly. Their breath smelled like stale ass. Even their clothes reeked. These people were all lazy and stupid, and because they were all wasted they thought each other funnier than hell, when in fact they were just wasted and stupid.

I made the decision way back then that I would never touch drugs, pot, cigarettes or alcohol. As I grew older and saw everyone in high school constantly getting wasted, it only reaffirmed my committment to never touch the stuff. The fact that it all smells so horrible has also made it really easy to abstain. There is zero temptation for me. The promise I made to myself simply cemented the deal. Promises like that cannot be broken.

Anyway, enjoy your latest troll.

I'm right with ya on the smokes and drugs, but, dude, you really should treat yourself to a really good beer someday.

rack your discipline, i guess.

[Van]

smackie, beer smells awful to me. I'm never tempted to eat or drink things that don't have an attractive scent. Also nobody ever seems to like it the first time they try it. Same with smoking. Why the fuck people try these things a second time when they hated it the first time is beyond me.

[Tom In VA]

Definitely RACK Van's self discipline.

That's what I meant, solid, all the way around.

[BarFlie]

Also, Barf's permanent repertoire of paint huffing, recollections of listening to Canned Heat in Da Nang and his insipid love of corndogs and NASCAR makes for a pretty virulent goulash of bowling alley stupid.

Hey! I never once mentioned corndogs. I never ate a corndog in my entire life! I was born and raised in Chicago dummy. Get your shit in order troop!

[Mikey]

I'm never tempted to eat things that don't have an attractive scent.

Too easy.

'xactly.

Wonder what the wife thinks about this.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

smackie, beer smells awful to me. I'm never tempted to eat or drink things that don't have an attractive scent.

Not all beer is of that familiar Piss Lite stale and skunky variety. In beer, good beer, not only is the aroma unoffensive, but it's desirable, and that's by design. The world of beer is vast. You could compare two beers so wildly different in taste, aroma, and presentation, that you'd forget you're comparing two things of the same category.

Also nobody ever seems to like it the first time they try it. Same with smoking. Why the fuck people try these things a second time when they hated it the first time is beyond me.

Booze makes you feel good. That's why you go back the second time, regardless of how awful the taste. It's later on that you start to enjoy the taste. The concept isn't really any different from food in terms of what happens as a result of further exposure. I hated tastes, sights, and smells of many different kinds of foods when I was younger that I enjoy now. Taste adapts, matures, and ultimately appreciates.

[Van]

Definitely RACK Van's self discipline.

That's what I meant, solid, all the way around.

Tom, smackie, I'm telling you, there really hasn't been much self-discipline required here. The stuff simply does not appeal to me. I'm not dying to try it, and therefore fighting this never-ending battle to resist the massive temptation. It's not like that at all.

It'd be akin to praising you for your heroic efforts in resisting gay gangbangs and brussels sprouts.

[Van]

I'm never tempted to eat things that don't have an attractive scent.

Too easy.

It/them/they smell good to me. The better ones do, anyway. Like I said, I can't see going back for seconds when it doesn't.

[Van]

I made the decision way back then that I would never touch drugs, pot, cigarettes or alcohol. As I grew older and saw everyone in high school constantly getting wasted, it only reaffirmed my committment to never touch the stuff. The fact that it all smells so horrible has also made it really easy to abstain. There is zero temptation for me. The promise I made to myself simply cemented the deal. Promises like that cannot be broken.

Anyway, enjoy your latest troll.

For someone who is adamant that Dan Vogel is a troll, you sure are making quite the case for, shall I say, in-depth knowledge of its handler.

Except that I'd gladly park in whatever space mvscal currently isn't occupying in Mrs. Vogel.

[Tom In VA]

Tom, smackie, I'm telling you, there really hasn't been much self-discipline required here. The stuff simply does not appeal to me. I'm not dying to try it, and therefore fighting this never-ending battle to resist the massive temptation. It's not like that at all.

It'd be akin to praising you for your heroic efforts in resisting gay gangbangs and brussels sprouts.

I wasn't suggesting that you were. Your self-discipline manifests itself in other ways, your knowledge of music for instance show a discipline.

You've followed "To Thine Own Self Be True" completely, and to the letter throughout your life - apparently moreso than I - and I respect that.

[Van]

smackie, beer smells awful to me. I'm never tempted to eat or drink things that don't have an attractive scent.

Not all beer is of that familiar Piss Lite stale and skunky variety. In beer, good beer, not only is the aroma unoffensive, but it's desirable, and that's by design.

To you, certainly. To me, it still smells like beer. It smells like a different beer, but beer nonetheless.

Some of those gay-ass fruity drinks smell decent enough, but that's the gay-ass fruitiness of the drink I'm smelling, not the drink itself.

The world of beer is vast. You could compare two beers so wildly different in taste, aroma, and presentation, that you'd forget you're comparing two things of the same category.

I could say the same to you about really good guitar solos, yet all you hear is Charlie Brown's teacher talking.

I'm sure there are beers that smell better and beers that smell worse, but I highly doubt there is a beer that would immediately make my mouth water merely from its scent. Alcohol, hops, barley...that whole yeasty smell. If I'm going to drink something, I need to want to taste it, and that sort of desire always begins with appearance and aroma. A glass of something that looks like urine while smelling like a hooker's Sunday morning crotch never manages to inspire that sort of desire in me.

Also nobody ever seems to like it the first time they try it. Same with smoking. Why the fuck people try these things a second time when they hated it the first time is beyond me.

Booze makes you feel good. That's why you go back the second time, regardless of how awful the taste.

Coughing, hacking, wretching...that sour face people always make whether it's their first cigarette or their first beer...I just can't see willingly coming back for more.

Then, when I see how stupid alcohol makes people behave, it's just not all that tempting of a proposition.

It's later on that you start to enjoy the taste. The concept isn't really any different from food in terms of what happens as a result of further exposure. I hated tastes, sights, and smells of many different kinds of foods when I was younger that I enjoy now. Taste adapts, matures, and ultimately appreciates.

I can't think of any food I enjoy now that made me wretch the first time I tried it, yet people do that to themselves with cigarettes and booze all the time.

It just blows me away.

[War Wagon]

Van, here's your song.

[MgoBlue-LightSpecial]

To you, certainly. To me, it still smells like beer. It smells like a different beer, but beer nonetheless.

Cripes, mang, if a nicely hopped and well balanced micro brew is an assault on your apparently fragile and unrefined senses then you sure as fuck wouldn't want your first sampling of anything alcohol related to be...vodka. Trust me on this. That stuff tastes like ass cancer. In fact any liquor would be too extreme as a launching point. Nah, you'd be better off starting with a glass of red wine.

Some of those gay-ass fruity drinks smell decent enough, but that's the gay-ass fruitiness of the drink I'm smelling, not the drink itself.

Nice try with the Dio call out, but I don't even know what that means.

I could say the same to you about really good guitar solos, yet all you hear is Charlie Brown's teacher talking.

I can listen to music and form a take, or at least tell you what I prefer and enjoy. You can't do the same with beer because you'll never so much as sample a droplet. Besides, there was no reason for argumentative analogies over what I said. You've never sampled a beer, nor will you ever sample a beer, so I'm simply educating you on the fact there are beers that don't taste, look, or smell like your stereotypical beer. I wasn't sure if you were aware of that. Hell, I've known plenty of people who have drank beer that don't know anything beyond Diet Ultra Bud Rice Lite Ice.

Coughing, hacking, wretching...that sour face people always make whether it's their first cigarette or their first beer...I just can't see willingly coming back for more.

Of course you can't. You haven't experienced it.

[Van]

I think you should at least try champagne or a fine wine, Van.

I'd certainly be more inclined to try wine before I'd ever consider trying beer, yeah. Wine doesn't smell that bad to me. If only it didn't have that fucking alcohol scent. :D

Play with this scenario.....The hottest French woman you have ever laid eyes on reclines back in a bed of satin sheets and genuine mink pillows. She's holding a glass of freshly poured and chilled Dom Perignon in between her two lovely brassiered bosums.

Jesus, dude, you're on Wags's level when it comes to describing anything erotic. You both sound like Burl Ives.

She tells you "You want me to remove my bra and panties? You must sip this champagne glass until it's all gone."



To which you reply.....

"The champagne is all yours, Emmanuelle. Enjoy. In the meantime, I'll be asspunching you until you hoot like an owl."

Todd, I already went through that scenario, back when it still might have meant something.

When I was a kid, both my older brothers were known dealers all throughout our neighborhood. They were the go-to guys for practically anything.

The single hottest slut in school was this absolutely gorgeous girl named Monica. Everyone wanted that girl. She was truly stick-a-fork-in-your-forehead beautiful, and she knew it, which made her even sexier.

She and I were very casual friends, and unfortunately for me we had an entirely one-sided lust affair going on. I wanted her in the worst way, yet I barely even registered on her clitoral radar. She was a big-time stoner, so all her boyfriends and fuck-buddies had to be stoners too.

Following the last day of school she and I along with a few other friends ended up on the steps of our little outdoor stage. Eventually everyone took off, leaving the two of us alone as the sun was going down. We were afforded some shelter by a copse of trees and the growing gloaming, and out of the blue she kissed me. Next thing I knew, she was making out with me and pulling out my cock to give me a handjob right there on the steps.

, I was thinking, since we had no prior history of ever making out, but what the hell, I wasn't about to complain. I made a tentative move to slide my hand beneath her top, onto her bare tits.

She let me fondle her for a few moments, then she asked, "Do you have any weed on you?"

"Nope," I said, oh so eloquently, and I kept kissing her and groping her tits.

"C'mon, you must have some. Scott always gets my sister high," she said, referring to my oldest brother.

"That's my brother, not me. I don't do that shit."

"If you'll get me some, I'll let you fuck me right here on these steps. Nobody's around. I know you've always wanted to fuck me, so let's do it."

"I mean it, Monica. I don't get high, so I don't have any."

"That's okay. You can get it to me later. Just promise me you will, and I'll let you fuck me right now. As long as you keep getting me high, we'll fuck whenever you want."

I stopped kissing her. "Is that the only way you'll do it, if I get you high?"

"Van, you know I can get anyone to fuck me. I love sex, but I want to get high, too."

I was getting a little pissed. "Okay, but are you saying that's the only way you'll do it with me? No weed...no sex?"

"Uh-huh, but all you have to do is promise me you'll get it to me later. I'm not worried. I know you're good for it."

"This is fucking brutal," I said disgustedly, and I pulled away from her.

"You can't be serious," she smirked. "You're really not going to fuck me, over a bag of weed?"

"That's what you're saying, not me. I don't need that shit to want to fuck you."

We both sat up, and she said, "You're serious. You're really going to let this go?" She took my hand and slid it over her wet panties.

"If I have to get you high in order for you to be with me? Fuck that."

As I stomped away, thoroughly pissed, she called after me, "You're an idiot, but if you change your mind, you know where to find me...."

There were a few other occasions during high school that were similar to that one, if not quite that blatant, and yeah, I walked every time. I wasn't lacking for sex, so I wasn't going to do that to myself for anyone.

I'll also never pay for a hooker, at least not for myself, anyway.

[PSUFAN]

There are times - such as you've described - where a little dishonesty is good, Van.
--PSUFAN

LOTS of times.
--KaOtis

[Van]

Mgo, I couldn't even begin to tell you which ones they were, but I've smelled quite a few highbrow beers over the years when I've gone with friends to bars. I have a few friends who are somewhat Dinsian in their microbrew beer snobbery, and while I've never tasted any of their snooty beers I've certainly smelled at least a dozen of what they told me were really good ones.

Except for those with additional flavorings, such as some seasonals, I couldn't really detect any great differences in their scents. It was usually a "more" or "less" thing, as in some beers had stronger or weaker scents. Some of those dark, sludgy ales - stouts? - fuck, they smelled bitter.

[Van]

There are times - such as you've described - where a little dishonesty is good, Van.
--PSUFAN

Can't argue that. In some cases, I don't even know that I feel I made the right decision. It was more that there wasn't a decision to make. I wasn't going to do it, and that was that.

But yeah, you're right, I could've lied, and maybe I should have.

[Van]

Todd, it's a nonissue. I'm not debating whether I should change my mind. If I was ever going to, I would've done it already. For it to happen now, it would mean that I gave up on life.

[Van]

You gave up on quite an astounding piece of ass, in your opinion.

Yep, and I've never forgotten it. That one was one of the bigger fish to ever get away.

And she didn't even want you to partake?

She definitely wanted me to partake. She would've settled for my getting her high, but she absolutely wanted me to do it with her.

Um....You do have an appreciation for getting pussy, not acting like one, do you not?

I was getting steady sex from the time I was thirteen, so while I hated to miss out on that one, it wasn't like it was her pussy or none.

[Van]

It had nothing to do with not being able to figure out how to lie my way through it. It was strictly a matter of being pissed at her for so blatantly trying to use me like that.

Basic rule of thumb: If she doesn't want it, then neither do I. If I have to pay for it - whether with money or drugs - then I don't want it.

[socal]

Van: There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about, Toddie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.

Toddie: I don't understand.

Van: You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Toddie. A rebel. So long, Todd.
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[Van]

Doesn't really matter whether you buy it. Your belief won't change the fact.

[Mr T]

Van,

Have you ever drank 7-up, sprite, or ginger-ale?

If so, you have drank alcohol.

[Tom In VA]

RACK socal