Van, DC, the hard part here is condensing all the things I wish to say or relay to you.
I'll try not to write a book, but my inner-Annie perhaps can't be stopped.
DC wrote:From the start i had a few sticking points that were really hindering my ability to go "all in". I can tell you what those were if you're interested. I was never able to find answers that made sense to me. After repeated attempts and failures to repent of my sins I found myself frequently discouraged and began to doubt if I had ever really been "born again".
You can talk about what hindered you from going "all in" if you like, or PM me if you don't care to bring it into the open forum.
But I get a sense of how that was.
First, I obviously can't say whether you are born again or not.
But relating directly to this are the three Scripture I posted in my first reply to you in this thread.
I do think those are important.
Take a look at them again, if you care to.
My case is worth noting...
My parents dragged me, my bro', and sis to church sometimes.
They were not "church people," but they somehow thought they should go sometimes... and thought
we should go.
I hated it with a passion, NEVER wanted to go, and got ZERO out of it.
Lutheran Church.
Fast forward to college - 1980.
20 years old, alone in my dorm room, heard a televangelist (who's still living and I don't really respect) presenting the Gospel on TV late one night.
It struck me as the truth and I prayed to receive Jesus Christ.
After that, I got a Bible and read it sometimes, tried to pray (not easy), tried to somehow be "holy" (fail), went to a campus church (not good), so I gave up on trying to find a church, etc.
I did sincerely want to get close to God... if He was there.
I still doubted it - even though I had sincerely prayed to take Christ at that moment in time.
I remember reading my Bible in my room, trying to pray... and then walking out of my room a few minutes later, where a friend of mine was was in the hall.
He asked me to go smoke a bowl with him.
I went, happily.
Then I was thinking,
"What kind of person am I? Wtf is wrong with me? Why am I like this?"
One minute I'm in my room sincerely trying to read the Bible and pray and the next minute I am puffin' and laffin' away with a friend? A stoner.
"I'm not REALLY a Christian. REAL Christians don't do this shit. They don't act like this," is what I thought.
Over the next few years, it went that way.
Sometimes I read the Bible and was very interested in it, and in prayer.
Other times I just couldn't get in to it... at all.
I rather wanted to fugg around and just thought it was sort of
hard to be a Christian.
I gradually just sort of gave up on it and then later didn't consider myself a Christian, even arguing for being an agnostic with a Christian friend of mine.
That was around 1988.
Then fast forward (past some good times and also MANY more hardships than I ever would have wanted) to 1997.
I was able to meet some pastors who began to talk to me clearly about what the Gospel is.
And an important point was - assurance of salvation.
I told one of the pastors that I didn't even know if I was really a Christian.
I told him that I did pray to receive Christ in 1980, but sort of "went away" after that.
He said,
"You were not lying at that time you prayed that, were you?"
No, I wasn't.
Then that's it.
I HAD confessed and taken Christ right at that time in 1980 - and God took
me right at that moment.
I had become His child and it never changed through the decade, and it never
will change -
Matthew 28:20, among
many other passages.
Over the next 15 years since 1997, I have listened to the Gospel message very often - the real
core of the Gospel.
Sometimes (maybe a LOT of times) I haven't felt like listening or reading the Bible.
And my basic character is still like it was in 1980 - Jekyll and Hyde, and I'm still full of filth.
But I recognize that I've healed a lot.
And I recognize that I always come
back to the Gospel - and ultimately hunger for it - because I've really gotten a
taste for it, how great it is, and how there really
is no solution apart from it.
I feel most normal, like a
real human being, when I am with God.
See:
Ephesians 2:8,9 - When we express our faith and take Christ Who is given to us, it is our salvation.
John 1:13.
No need to stress about over-repentance, our own lackings, our disbelief, how perverse our thoughts are, etc.
God already knows it.
We're ALL fucked up, Christians included - and some of them are MORE fucked up than anyone else, imo,
Fundamentally, we're
all soaked in unbelief - and that's why all the weirdness comes about.
I'm not some great pillar of belief, and that should already be clear, but I CAN testify that it's at the times of my true belief that God's grace is SO great.
Yeah, it's
my confession that He's real - and as I look back to where I've gone since 1980, it's clear to see how He has guided it to where I am presently.
I can't possibly elaborate on it all, but I am very much aware of it.
Van wrote:pop, I've prayed many times, running the gamut of "content."
Why do you ask? Are you now going to tell me that there are right and wrong prayer subjects, and you know the specific ones that will engender a discernible response from God? Should I only pray to give thanks following a TD pass, as opposed to, say, a petition prayer for a loved one? Is that where I screwed up?
For what it's worth, here's what I think, Van.
This has become man's position:
Genesis 3:11, Ephesians 2:2.
Give 'em a look.
We can
pray many things, but God hears and responds to the prayers of His children.
And that is
Ephesians 2:8,9 and
John 1:13 which I posted above.
I would express to God that I
want to believe, but find it very very hard to do.
And I would confess that I am sinful and apart from God but
do... at this moment rest my unbelief and trust in Jesus Christ.
See what happens.
Thanks for making it to this point, if you did. :)